Quick update: Relocated to a different state, away from friends and family due to H finding a better job and we love our new home! Hubby laid off from work for almost 3 months, snapping at me when asked simple questions, (ok, i understand he is frustrated, doesn't feel adequate right now, trying to be the understanding wife, though H say's his self-esteem is fine but he is pissing me off!). H saying we may have to move back home if he doesn't find a job soon, can't afford to live off of my salary with kids. I IN NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM WANT TO MOVE BACK HOME! Our marriage became stronger once away from our negative environment, not to mention I love we were are living! H and his brother are extremely close, brother wants H to move back home and is sending H resume out to company's in HIS STATE! H knows how I feel about not wanting to move back, and I know of him sending in his resume to an old job back in that state, but H doesn't know that I am aware of he and his brother sending resumes to other company's in that state! I AM SO PISSED RIGHT NOW! That is one of our major arguements! He makes plans for US and then I am the last to find out about them! I am trying to keep my cool, but his continual nasty, snipppy outburst at me and now this is pushing me to the edge! If H run's back home to BIG BROTHER HE WILL BE GOING ALONE! I am not supporting that decision. HAVEN'T I DONE ENOUGH COMPROMISING IN MY LIFE FOR HIM! I know he has been trying his hardest to find another job and i know the market is bad, but what the hell would he do if we didn't have family to run back to! I am losing respect for him at a rapid pace! It is not only the fact of his xOW (if she is still an X), but I think my deposits will be so depleted that I will be begging for another man to take me away from this! I am so starved for some emotional love, acceptance, communication that I am beginning to see through the eyes of the WS!!!!

Whats stopping you from telling these things directly to your husband? Instead of here. You can do it in a calm and rational voice. Can let him see how your feeling without it blowing up I hope. Or is he not that willing to listen to you? Jobs and markets are very tough for everyone, remind him of that. We all are a little worried about the market, and jobs. This economy scares most of us, as we see gas prices skyrocket, and then stocks plummit. It's normal <BR>It'll get better. He can look other places, perhaps not at something he wants to do, but something to help in a short time. It's amazing when your out of work, how much you'd you love to be working again, and making it. He may not find the job of his dreams, but something to tide him over tell he locates something he wants. Just has to try. <P>What i'm saying, is a gental reminder. Help him look for work, help him be involved in your family. Often we need the strength and inspiration of others, and we don't get that. Or we don't see that. Or we take it the wrong way. Like ("My wife is nagging me to do this or that, or get a job") I'm not saying he'll find his dream job, but help him perhaps locate a job, that would help everyone out. Just have to do it in such a way, that he doesn't make it look like your motivation is him working. Maybe when he's busy looking through the paper, sit down with him, and look through it with him.<P>Remind him, he can do this and that. Or look specifically for things that suite him in a job, and say well. You have this expierence, and they are looking for this.<P>A lot of it depends on the guy as well, some of us take that type of help wrong. <P>H.<p>[This message has been edited by [H] (edited June 12, 2001).]

Thanks H, but it has been our history of POOR COMMUNICATION SKILLS! 99% of the time when I try to talk about something my H is the first one to jump on the defensive and start to raise his voice, which lures me in and I start to raise hell too! Don't get me wrong, H is looking, interviewing, waiting to here something, making call-backs etc. in order to try to find something to stay were we are. But his next answer is to move back home! My next answer is to find a cheaper place to live until he finds something! The fact that his brother is setting up interviews in his home time and H not telling me about it is WHAT IS PISSING ME OFF! How dare they both decide my future and my children's future and then INCLUDE ME IN ON IT AFTER ALL IS SAID IN DONE! I try to be a patient person, but when I am in my RED ZONE then all i see is FIRE AND ANGER and my mind starts to drift to other thoughts. For example, this could be my H way of getting out of our marriage. Either way, I know that I will confront H with this, but I wish I had the sanity and strength that a lot of people here do to confront in a controlled way, without my anger projecting because right now I am beyond ANGRY and I want to hurt him, which I know in my head is ridiculous and will get me no where! I was doing so well too, with understanding and trying to keep communication productive between us. But I feel that he has finally broken my spirit and I am sorely disappointed in him as a MAN.

Hmm that is difficult. I'm not really sure what to say. Some people have expressed emails is a very good, none confrontational way to deal with some of these things.<P>I'm not sure if this would help you or not, perhaps email your concerns? Or write them out long hand? I'm not sure, if you have a history of he being defensive right away, and then luring you in where you both just spiral out of control. Might want to see if theres a diffrent way you can communicate. Always more then one way to solve a problem.<P>I don't know... <P>------------------<BR>H.<P>My advice is my advice. Take the good, disgard the bad. Do whats right for you. Not because I said it worked for me.

Update: I didn't explode last night, but I did LB about something that happened w/the kids. Continued silence in that we are not speaking. He emails me to tell me that when we are back in our hometown this weekend (a planned trip for us) that he has an interview w/a jobhunter. I emailed back and told him, that this was planned all along by he and his brother and that he is telling me after the fact and I said that i feel that it is his way to get away from me, by moving back home, in other words instead of being upfront of wanting out of the marriage, he is taking this way out knowing that I don't want to move back to our homestate. I ended it by saying, either way, I hold no grudges, that I hope that he will let me have one of the cars to get the children around. (both cars are in his name). I am hurting, but less angry. I am going to try to find a cheaper place for me and the kids to live. But it is going to be hard, not having any money, plus every place you go they want you to have A+ credit rating which I don't have. I know he is counting on me failing, not being able to afford to do this on my own. He has done this in the past, we were seperated for about 2 weeks and he wouldn't pick the kids up to take them to daycare/school, saying "I SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THAT B4", so i had to take Public Trans. in the freezing winter! But a friend helped me find an old car that was less than $700 and as soon as he learned that I accomplished this on my own without him, he was at my door that night trying to work it out. So i know he is just sitting back laughing because he thinks i can't stay here by myself with no family or friends to help me. And the scary part is that i feel he is right! I have no one to help me move the furniture if I did get accepted to an apt., I have no one to help me with the kids, etc. But I have to try, don't I? I have to do something to move forward? If i go back home I will feel like such a failure. This isn't about showing H that i can do this without him, it is about showing myself that I can be as strong as a lot of the people here. I feel like everything is on my shoulders and I can't even stand up to move anything off. Ok, i have to go and wipe my eyes, b4 anyone see's me like this at work.

Oh, trying2_4give:<P>[[[[[[[[[[[[[[Hugs]]]]]]]]]]]]]<P>That is the scary part isn't it? Knowing you got into this together, had kids together and they 'get some wild hair' and we're off for an 'adventure' for which we didn't bargain. <P>I sense you like to have 'control' over your life. Me too. That's the part that's hardest to deal with. I can only control me and my feelings. I can't, never could have and shouldn't have tried to control him. "The art of negotiation" comes to mind. <P>I recently had to fill out a 'survey' on how I deal with conflict for a class I took. What a surprise. I found that at work I was collaborative and cooperative while at home I solved conflicts using power and aggression. (if that even makes sense...solve--power--aggression) <P>I grew up in a house filled with conflict between my mom and stepdad--very violent fights. While my H and I never got violent towards each other, we sure made a lot of noise and stuff got broke....After that survey NOT ANYMORE. Oh, he still gets loud, but not me. I won't ever be that way again. A lightbulb went on. I treated my friends and coworkers better than my family. How I have agonized over that. It only took a decision for me to change how I acted. I am in control of me and my thoughts.<P>I don't want to preach, but I can see how out of control you feel. Just take a breath, dry your tears and focus on YOU!<P>Cali<P><<<<Thanks for the birthday wishes , I hope my reply didn't upset you...I can just feel that you are where I am...you want to rage and rage and rage....but at what cost?>>>>><BR><p>[This message has been edited by StrongerInCali (edited June 13, 2001).]

WOW, SIC, (actually i don't think i like those initials!!! so I will start over......)<BR>WOW, STRONGERINCALI, i didn't think about that, the NOT LIKING HAVING ANY CONTROL. I think that maybe something to that. I do feel like my fate is in the hands of him and his brother and I DON'T LIKE IT ONE BIT! Where do I fit into this (if at all). Maybe I am taking a stand by saying I WON'T GO as a retaliation. I don't know, all i know is that if we go back to that same negative environment it won't help but hinder our marriage, but for some reason, i seem to be the only one concerned with that. So if he isn't concerned then Y DO I TORTURE MYSELF WITH IT! Y, because i care enough too, H doesn't. Y can't I see that and move on, it is time to actually GET IT. But i don't want the anger that comes along with seperating, I don't want the thoughts of what he is doing and who is doing it with. I don't want the IF's, But's, WHY's, but then again who does! I guess i will just start writing my thoughts and feelings here, i can't keep a journal, no place to hide it, this way, maybe somemone here will have an insight like Stronger did to help me put 2+2 together. Right now I feel like I am just out in a boat with no paddles or lifejacket, just floating along until something happens I guess the only thing that can happen is to sink or swim! Geesh, i am tired of this pity=party....it's just so bad for the skin, causes wrinkles!! gee, i just made myself laugh!