I am continually struggling to find ways to reconnect with my husband since he discovered my affair. I know he is reeling with pain and is still so shocked about it. He won't ask any specific questions about the affair, but I know he thinks about it a lot because he'll ask me "conected questions, like: "When did we go on that weekend trip to St. Michael's?" because he's trying to relate back to things we did in the past year and determine if they were "during" the affair. He sees the past 6 months of our lives through the "filter" of my affair now, which I understand.<P>I have tried to put myself in his shoes and imagine how he feels. What I've come up with is this: when I began my A, I gave away a part of myself that was meant to be only my husband's. <P>I bought a blank journal about a week after d-day (6 weeks ago) and have been pouring my soul into it. When I finish an entry, I leave the book on my husband's bed (sleeping separately these days). He reads it and then puts it on my bed, and so it goes.<P>I have thought about trying to answer some of the questions that I know he must think about, but won't ask. Like, "How could you do this to me?" "Didn't you feel guilty?" "How did/do you feel about the OM?" I really would like to explain the whole relationship to him let him to know that yes, I did feel guilty. That I usually cried each time I drove home from being with OM...that OM and I didn't share the same "inside jokes" I shared with my H. <P> I can write it all into the journal, which would allow him to learn these things without having to talk about them if he doesn't want to.<P>Is this a good idea??? I'm going to follow the consensus advice.<P>thanks to all,<BR>calla<p>[This message has been edited by calla30 (edited June 25, 2001).]

I battled with wanting to know details. I even made a post about it.<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/009420.html" TARGET=_blank>Why do I want to know intimate details of my wife's affair?</A><P>Read some of the responses. Maybe don't provide exact details. Was the sex good with the OM? Believe me, that kind of stuff you don't want to share. If sex was only a result of an emotional affair you were having then explain that.<P>My wife had an affair. For many months she was involved in and emotional affair with the OM. It eventually turned to a physical affair. I still don't know all the details, like positions, etc. Nor do I want to now. She has honestly told me that the sex wasn't what she expected. She too felt guilty afterward. If you read my other postings you will see, as I do, that my wife isn't struggling with the physical affair, but the emotional affair. Finding it hard to let go of that. To her the sex meant nothing. She connected with the other man emotionally, because I wasn't meeting those needs of hers. I am working on that. It is not the sex I have to fear, but the words that were spoken while they were, and are together.<P>------------------<BR>Blue Rodeo Boy<BR><-- Trust Yourself, and don't believe in any more lies. -->

My H has done the very same thing (asked when did we do what).. except he wants to know everything... every little detail.. and he has email that he found, which spells it all out. He still wants me to talk about each piece (it has been 7 months) I have not been able to do it.. if he comes to me, I can talk to him, but he wants me to go to him and tell him on my own. He wants me to pick up the email and say, "let's talk about it" and I can't. I would never forgive myself if things became worse after doing that, but they're already bad enough, so I don't have much choice. Although my H understands what led me to the affair, he will not acknowledge it to the extent I would like him to (verbal and emotional abuse).. he only blames me for not handling it differently. It's hard.. I don't know the answer.. if you bring it up, you feel like you're stirring the pain.. if you don't, does he feel like you're hiding things and feels like you don't care about his feelings? My counselor said seven years.. it takes about seven years for it to completely go away. Boy what a long road ahead. I know I haven't helped, but I can definitely relate. I guess, if you want to talk about it, ask him if you can.. tell him you need for him to know some things. If he won't, he won't.. Some are more forgiving than others, everyone heals differently. It's sooooo hard.

calla - I admire your idea of consulting with husband BSs, but I can't identify with your description of your H's current mind set. Maybe this is because my wife hasn't gotten to your phase (yet?). I bet other guys feel the same. Thus, I'd be real hesitant to draw conclusions based on a few guys' responses to you. Your H is an individual and his state of mind may not match anybody elses. On the other hand, he may be more similar to a female BS - who knows?<P>Please be careful trying a one size fits all approach.<P>St. Michael's? Maryland? If you're close to DC, please check out the D.C. Scandals get together - there's a post floating around here somewhere about it.<P>WAT

I wish my wife would do what you are doing. As a BS I wanted and still want to know all the details of my wife's affair. Otherwise everything is left to my imagination. It keeps one's mind chruning. I figure if enough things are talked about then there are no more questions to ask. What else is there to say? But if all details are presented including your exact feelings and circumstances, what you talked about after with the other man, how long the sessions etc. then what else is there to discuss. <P>The rest is he probably wants some assurance it won't happen again. I guess there is no gaurantee for this because it happened once for some reason and in the future there might be another reason for it to happen again no matter how sorry you are this time. There was some weakness present and some set of circumstances that allowed this to happen. <P>Maybe your husband is thinking this and is trying to understand a lot of detail to give himself some comfort about the future. Every wife makes a committment in marriage and essentially promises to not be with another man. This promise was broken because of some reasons. Why won't there be other reasons in the future? Your husband has to eventually just trust you. I doubt if there is any single thing you can do or say to build trust. Trust will come with time.<P>Well definitely you are doing the right thing if I was your husband. But as other people have stated, maybe different husbands take things in different ways. But it seems your husband does want to know some answers. I can't imagine who would not. <P>It is easy for the BS become totally obsessed with this. It is very difficult to recover from the wife doing something like this even though we realize no one is perfect, things happen etc. etc. <P>Your husband probably would like to forget all this too but just really does not know how. Well especially when he does not have all the facts (maybe some people don't need them). There are the facts and there are your exact feelings and thoughts at the time and also now that are important. <P>My wife thinks that if we talk about this then she will be reminded constantly of this other person and eventually may develop another attraction. So that thought is a bit threatening to me so I have dropped all questions even though I like to talk about it each day. So instead I hide the fact that I still think about this a lot. It's hard to control one's mind in these cases. I hope with time it is possible. <p>[This message has been edited by Rodger (edited June 12, 2001).]

calla30 - I would say that you write down everything that you believe your husband wants to know. I am almost positive that your husband wants to know many, many things, but maybe he is supressing his need to know in order to make things easier on you, to which I would have to commend your husband, he is a lot better than me. Write down your thoughts, your fears, your desires, the good and the bad. Sure there will be things that will hurt him, but having everything out on the table where it can been seen, is a lot better than the thoughts that a BS can have, who does not have all of the information.

Perhaps you can answer some questions for me since you are my wife now LOL. what did I do to deserve this? Why did you have to be so cruel to me and blame me for everything? why did you have to trash me to family and friends and act like you did nothing wrong? why was the OM so important to you and I ment nothing? Why did you hae so much disrespect for me and our marriage. Why all the lies and deception?<P>

To Calla30<P>I think what you are suggesting is an excellent idea. The journal is brilliant. I agree that you need to write all of the things about the affair that you mentioned. This will be an important way to salvage your marriage. The fact that your husband is already thinking where he was 6 months ago suggests that he believes that your marriage was a lie at this time. I guarantee you he wants you to answer these questions but is probably afraid to ask them. Trust me he would want to know that you cried on your way home after being with the OM because you felt guilty.<BR>I believe if my ex had written all these down for me to read and then discussed it then she may not have become an ex. Calle it is a great idea. If he does not get these answers it will be like a poison and a cancer that will eat away at his love for you and his own self-esteem. You have a chance to heal him so don't let it slip away. It is a great idea on your part. Good Luck.

Thanks guys, for coming through!<P>bluerodeoboy, I've read some of your posts, including why you want to know intimate details...and I know it's perfectly normal to want to know those things. I think the reason why is simple: you are looking for ways to weigh and compare your relationship to your W and the other man's relationship to your W. Sexual details are one of the concrete factors we can use to do that. "Did she do things with him that we've never done?" "What kinds of things did they say to each other during sex?" "Was he more passionate, longer lasting, more adventurous than me?" Since it's harder to compare things when it comes to emotions, we look look for meaning in each tiny action. We look for definition.<P>WAT, yep, St. Michael's as in Maryland...I'm a fellow Marylander. I picked that up about you some time ago. H and I both work in Baltimore, but we don't live in the city. What is it about my h's "mindset" that you can't identify with? I see your concern about my one-size-fits-all approach...but I have come to view this forum as a good place to get a true "representative sample" in the scientific sense. Maybe I'm a little too reliant on it. I feel that opinions/situations here are diverse, but maybe not. I'll check out the DC Scandals thing.<P>Rodger,<BR>It concerns me that your wife doesn't want you to ask about her A anymore because it could make her develop at attraction to someone else if you keep bringing it up! That sounds to me like a threat designed to keep her from having to discuss this uncomfortable topic. On the other hand, I don't think it's necessary or advisable to discuss it EVERY day. I think that would affect healing negatively. Yes, I want my H to understand the reasons i had an affair, and also that if we can make the right changes in our relationship (that means both of us) then neither of us will be vulnerable to future affairs.<P>Jabber...you're funny.<P>FA and BryanP, thank you for your perspective. It all helps. I just hope my H can forgive me...that remains to be seen. He says he can't imagine wanting to have sex with me again, and that scares me so much. I guess I can understand it, but how do I help him get over those thoughts? And then I think: maybe some people just can't recover from that kind of betrayal. I just keep hoping...and trying...<P>thanks again all,<BR>calla

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by calla30:<BR><B><BR>WAT, What is it about my h's "mindset" that you can't identify with? </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>calla - what I meant was that I can't picture myself dealing with it like he seems to be - I am working hard to get my wife where you are. If that happens, I expect to be a more willing participant in recovery.<P>E-mail to DCScandals@yahoo.com if you want to check this out.<P>WAT<P>