I just realized that H and I were married six years ago, this past June 10. I completely forgot this date - for the first time since we've been married.<P>I've been thinking about why.<P>I think I know why.<P>I feel as though our marriage has been tarnished - as though the continuum of the love we had for each other has been broken through H's involvement with XOW. His bond to me was irrevocably broken at some point. It wasn't the sex. It wasn't even the emotional attachment and "friendship" (yea, RIGHT!) they shared. It was the extended period of time during which our marriage was a lie because of H and XOW. Together. For every day they spent together, there was another little break in my heart and in my soul. Soon the chasm was impossible to ignore. Anything that happened before H got involved with XOW was a different marriage between two different people.<P>Now June 10 is just another date to me now. It holds no special meaning. It's a day when me and this guy I was dating at the time went and got a piece of paper together that said we were married. <P>Last year when I thought that "it" was all over, I really wanted to renew our vows on our 5th wedding anniversary. I had these wonderful dreams of us inviting our friends and showing them that we were really in love and that we were fighting for our marriage. But H reacted quite vitriolically and started yelling at me for such a dim idea. H was still involved with the XOW at the time. I'm sure that if we would have renewed our vows, she would have heard about it, and all h*ll would have broken loose. It would have been pretty impossible to pull the wool over her eyes after her finding out that he renewed his vows with the W he was living with.<P>I have no anniversary anymore. Now when I think back on our wedding day, all I want to do is cry. It has no meaning anymore.<P>belld

Special days S*** like a Hoover don't they? The first....whatever day....after d-day is like when someone has died.<P>Mother's day has been tarnished for me twice. Between MS and YS in 1997 I miscarried just before Mother's Day. I don't think I've had a good one since. This year's, 2 wks after d-day, just made me cry.<P>Tomorrow is my birthday. I know I will not get a card or a gift. Oh, he is taking me out...I guess I should feel honored because I know he wanted to go to Grad Night (with her), but has 'chosen' to help me celebrate #38.<P>Our twelfth anniversary comes up in August. All I can do is wonder what will be happening. What will we do? <P>I feel for you Belldandy. If we survive this, I have thought that we should renew vows on a completely different date. New start, new date....just a thought. (actually just a dream )<P>Cali

But it's a happy dream, no?<P>I wish the memories of our wedding were not so painful ... I think of my beautiful dress (still in storage). I always wanted my daughter, if I had one, to wear that dress at her own wedding. It's tainted now. As is my wedding ring, our wedding pictures, our left-over wedding invitations. All of it is like a charade, a big farce. I am so angry that such a beautiful date in my life has been tarnished by my H's action with some hussy who thought she could scr*w my H just because it suited *her.*<P>Who knows, maybe my H will surprise me and start to meet my ENs, starting with counseling, canceling his private P.O. box, and taking his phone calls on our home phone instead of his cell. <P>Then again, maybe h*ll will freeze over ...<P>belld :'(

Boy do I know where you are coming from. Our first anniversay was June 6th. I feel that it was tainted not only because of his affairs but because he married me knowing that he had a weekend date with Alison the very next weekend. So there is a very big part of me that feels our wedding was a complete sham. How on earth could he marry me knowing that we was going to sc*** another woman the very next weekend? (I'm sure you've heard me tell this story before here.) When I think of this it's like looking at a train weck... you know how people cannot keep their eyes off of a disaster. That's what it's like when I look at my anniversay with my mind's eye. But most of the time I do not let my self look anymore. I'm trying to very hard to not think of this as we are in recovery and I want things to work out. But it's really hard. <P>Z<BR><P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare