Hello,<BR> I used to be called rising above on here, and you can read my story. I lost my username & Password so i registered again.<BR> It has been almost 8 months since i recieved my devistating news. I have tried to forgive, forget, recieved counceling,filled the emotional needs part, and no matter what I do it had no affect. How stupid am I to still love and want a man who has done me so wrong for so many years? What am I feeling? We have discussed divorce and we both have agreed, but neither of us want a divorce, we just can't get along, we fight about everything,I have nightmares about him telling me he loves me while at the same time, having sex with someone else. I can't go out in public with him without catching him looking at other women.He cheated on me and i feel like i am the only one trying to make the marriage work, sure he says he wants the marriage to work, but he hasn't even tried to fill my emotional needs. he doesn't want to try either he said I am blinded by hate & hurt and I can't see him trying.I told him Thats wrong because i am desperatly watching for him to try.He says that he doesn't want to be around me because i am always wanting to talk about about the relationship. To this day if i was asked "do you think he is cheating on you or will cheat on you again" my answer would be a resounding YES.<BR> There is no doubt i am confused about his intentions. His actions have always been negative, but his words possitive.<BR> Am I stupid enough to hang onto hope? I am not affraid to admit that I don't want to me lonely, I can't understand why that is since i am without him 20 hours aday as it is.<BR>Maybe I am affraid i will never find love again, but did i really find love with him???<BR> How come I am the one who has tried so hard . How can you give 18 years of love to someone, be totally faithful, understanding, accepting, devoted, and get treated this way?<BR>Believe me, If I am to blame for anything in this marriage it is because of me loving him and wanting him to pay me attention, and trying to make the marriage work. Just don't know what to do anymore, Neither of us can afford to seperate or divorce at this point, and the tention is getting worse everyday.He says he just wants to live here, but when he is here he wants to talk to me like there is nothing wrong.he wants me to cook the meals,do his laundry, be there for him when he wants me, I feel like an old shoe he pulls out of the closet when he wants it and then puts me away when he doesn't.He can't figure out why I am so confused, angry and hurt. <BR>I told him tonight that I said from the beginning I would try my very best to forgive and move on in the marriage if he will just show me he loves me. well like i said earlier it has been almost 8 months and I have given it my all. I feel no matter how hard I try if he doesn't try then our marriage won't work,is it love when when they say they love you, but don't want to try? I could really use some advice here.... Thanks Loveless&Lonely.

I know it's painful...hell it just SUCKS! Have you BOTH been to counseling. It sounds like there are a lot of issues that still have not been resolved, you can't move forward if you are not dealing with the issues from the past. You say that you try to bring up the relationship. How do you do it? Do you bring up everything bad that he did or isn't doing? If that is the case, then that is why he won't talk. No one likes there mistakes thrown at them everytime a discussion begins. I do believe that ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. Marriage Counseling is definately the way to go.

Dear Loveless&Lonely:<P>This is not a good day for me to be replying to anyone because I'm dealing with my own issues today but your post struck such a response in me that I had to let you know you've been heard.<P>At one time I could have written the same post that you just have (with only a few minor changes). Although my WS and I have been separated for about a year now, we still spend the majority of the day together since we have a joint business. For a long time we went through the motions of having a marriage, while OW came and went in our lives. It appears that at least your WS is home and OW is out of the picture. But something happened about two months ago....I finally had enough and made him understand that I was moving on....and that meant the whole package....divorce...business destroyed....other people...not being friends or even having anything to do with each other....and he finally understood that he had reached the end of his rope....and boy did he begin to backpaddle.<P>He has really become a changed man...now I can see effort in his working on the marriage....he listens and tried to make changes....we are beginning to talk with the real possibility of getting somewhere. And I can see him beginning the emotional separation from OW that our getting back together will entail...but thats hard because he was so involved with her and she is so needy.<P>All and all, I guess my main advise to you is that perhaps you ought to begin to think about Plan B. I know if you're like me that the last thing you really want to think about but sometimes its the only thing to do....both to save yourself and to prepare yourself to move on if you have to. Plan B could be the jolt that your WS needs to make him realize that if things don't change you are prepared to move on. Even if you cannot see yourself moving to Plan B at least set your mind to seeing the possibility of your moving on...begin the changes necessary....perhaps he will sense that change and be more willing to work on the marriage. <P>Hey tomorrow's my anniversary...OW's flying back in today (sometimes I think she has "marriage disruption radar")...just in time to spoil everything....but I'll manage...because now I know it's just a matter of time for her....and I think soon she'll know that.<P>Please keep trying...sometimes it does take a while for them to emerge from the high of self-indulgence that an affair lets lose in them and sometimes Plan A plays right into that by allowing them to not suffer the consequences of bad acts....Plan B should handle that. Let me know how you're doing.<P>Faye<P>

Loveless&Lonely,<P>I agree that it might be time for you to move on to plan B. Maybe he can move into a roommate situation and you and rent a room out to someone. Anything is better then what you describe. And I have a sneaky suspician that Buffy is right. I won't be for long anyway. <P>You say that you are afraid of being alone? It sounds like you are already alone. Think of it as being without all the negative stuff in your life.<P>A marriage cannot work without cooperation and total honesty. You are getting neither.<P>If what you are doing is not working... stop doing it. Try something else, anything else (well maybe just Plan B).<P>I assume from what you wrote here that your H either will not read the MB material or has and will not go along with it. <P>He says that he is working hard to meet your needs? If he is gone 20 hours every day, then he is not even around to meet your needs. And there is no way you can meet all of his needs with so little time together.<P>Another thing that struck me is that you say that you do all of the cleaning and cooking. Do you work outside of the home? If you do why are you doing all the house chores? Again he is not meeting your needs.<P>You do not mention children, do you have any?<P>Hugs<P>Z<P><P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

Hi,<BR>Well I just kicked him out, and I feel real bad about it, I know he has no money or a place to go, It is 98 degree's here, heat index 100. He is proberly sleeping in the vehicle as I write this. I told him to go to a motel or something but he won't do that, he will just make me worry about him.I don't know what to do from here, I have been telling him all along that I need his love and attention and you are exactually right, I can't no longer fill his needs because he avoids me like the plague. I am just plain out of answers here.I had no real reason for kicking him out this morning, except for the fact I did soul searching from 10 pm until 6 am this morning, and realized that the bad out weighed the good, and all my efforts went to the way side and have been avoided.And when i seen him come home from work this morning, just looking at him reminded me of all the neglect he has given, and to top it off I am suppose to just let him live here. I am only human and I can only take so much, what I can't take his knowing how much I love him and Knowing that he never really loved me at all. I do have three kids, one who is 18 now and was kicked out of the house by his dad 2 weeks ago, I was put in the middle of that battle having to choose sides my son or husband. I have two other teenagers living with me and they too have put me through hell. All three are on Probation for breaking the law. They all three have adhd and tourettes and I have givin up my career to homeschool the 2 youngest for three years now because of there disability.My Life is spinning out of control and I am doing the best I can to keep it together.I am met with constant conflict over being a responsible parent and caring loving wife.I am doing the best I can do.I have the boys in counceling but it is not going to well, they go and listen and then once out the door all is forgotton.I have been in marriage counceling for myself mostly , and my H has attended about three sessions. the same happens to him, once out the door all is forgotton. I am also in counceling for myself for support and it does seem to help, relieve me of the stress and tention, but nothing takes away the hurt I have deep deep down.I live with it all the time, and with me once out of the office it all comes flooding back. I was put on anti depressents when all this stuff with H first came about, but it was only for two weeks, I am not happy with taking any kind of drugs.When I went to A lawyer to find out my situation he said he wouldn't even consider taking the case for under a thousand just for starters because of having to prove the kids disability, and having to prove I will not be able to hold a steady job, because of the boys disabilities.As it stands right now, All I have is H word in writing that he will provide child support, let us keep the house and provide a good running vehicle, but nothing legal. I am not sure what to do or what I am in for. Any advise would be appreciated.

Hi Again loveless&Lonely:<P>Gosh, it sounds like you could really use the break...you have so much going on that a so-so marriage relationship is probably just adding to the stress.<P>I think both you and your H will benefit from the separation....and don't let that "poor little me" business bother you...WS tried that several times...and I'd let him back in and he'd **** on me again with OW....it's hard to let them go....but it's harder to let them stay and walk all over you...or ignore you....or act like you're just there when they need something. It's kinda like you're their mother....someone you love but she's kinda in the background to your "real" life.<P>He has to realize that you are not his mother...you don't have to keep on loving him (although you probably will, at least a little)...or taking care of him....promises broken often result in the release of the other parties obligations to provide support and comfort....so don't feel quilty. <B>Remember This Is What He Needs Now!!!!</B> <P>Please begin to take care of yourself a little better....you sound so worn out....use this time to recover your sense of what and who you are and to realize that no one needs to accept disrespect from anyone....even their H.<P>Also I think is would be appropriate to write your H a Plan B letter to reaffirm your love for him and your difficult with dealing with the aftermaths of the affair and reassuring him that although you love him you feel that the marriage is not working and until such time as he can honest say that he is willing to begin to work on the marriage you feel it is better that you live separately. That way he has no reason to say "Well, you wanted me to leave." (My WH actually said that after he had been in and out with OW and I had been his doormat). No you didn't want him to leave, but you can't live with him the way things are, so you <B>"need"</B> for him to leave for a while until you can both get things straighten out. <P>I really think this is for the best...and if he will not cooperate in supporting you financially then the courts will see that he does. I'm sorry this had to come to this place, but it has, so now take advantage of your resolve and stick with it until you have what you want....or until you feel you can move on.<P>Faye<P> <P> <p>[This message has been edited by buffy (edited June 13, 2001).]

Hi All,<BR> My H showed up today and wanted to talk, said he loved me and wanted the marriage but not if i was still hurt and angry over what he did to me. He said i have a bios opinion of him now, and he feels he has ruined the marriage beyond repair. I have told him numerous times that I love him, and want to make our relationship work, I have tried sooo hard to get over what he did, but it hurts like H***. I tried explaining to him that I have never had these kinds of feelings before or been hurt this deeply before.I told him that I am trying to handle it the best I can, and that I am sorry I can't get over this fast enough to save the relationship.I have tried to get over this without him showing me any love or affection because he says he can't give it to me.<P>So I finally wrote him letter and said that I was sorry that I could not forget about what happened and move on.I told him that I could not stay in a relationship where there is no show of love or affection. I told him that I loved him and that I tried, but it takes two to try and he says he can't. So I told him to take the kids, House, vehicle , belongings , and I'll take the memories. I am to tired to fight this thing and too poor to raise my kids the way they have been accustomed too. My kids Love their dad, he makes them happy, he is like a big brother to them.They will still have the home they grew up in, and the same friends, the only diffrence is there will be more daddy and less Mommy. While they do love me, they chose daddy over mommy who has had to raise, educate, cloth, feed,disciplin, and handle their disabilities. They didn't like me as much as daddy because i would make them mind, and make them do their school work, take baths, eat right, and be in at a certain time. I am just to tired to fight this, and it hurts me to just walk away from 18 years of marriage and family,I love my kids and husband,but what else is left to do?