Hi everyone,<P>New here. I won't go into my whole story. My W told me in November that she was unhappy. Her reasons were valid. We have had no intimacy or affection since. She turned to a guy from work for comfort and support, and it developed into an EA, possibly PA.<P>I confronted her about it 6 weeks ago, and she denied everything, saying they were just friends. I didn't tell her everything I know (and still haven't), just enough to let her know that I knew. A couple of weeks later she found out how I came to know (I won't go into details). She was pissed, continued the denial, and asked for a divorce.<BR>This was a month ago, and she hasn't brought it up since. <P>I talked to a friend of mine who went through the same thing (she was the cheater). She said I can't imagine the pain and guilt and fear my wife is going through. She said my W may not admit to this for a loooong time, if ever. I can live with that, since I pretty much know the truth anyway. I don't need the details. I've been able to come to terms with the affair with the help of some friends and websites like this. I understand how and why it happened and know that I am very much to blame for pushing my W away. I'm not justifying her actions, but I played a part in it.<P>At home we still talk about the everyday stuff, we still sleep in the same bed and get along quite well. But we don't talk about the problems in our marriage that lead up to this. I'm won't bring it up because I'm affraid it will lead to a talk about divorce. I think she's affraid it will lead to a talk about the affair. I'm struggling to find a way to open some communication.<P>Also, when she first told me she was unhappy, I tried to be more affectionate. I went a little over the top and it wasn't what she needed then and she pushed me away. I felt rejected. Since then I've been affraid to show her affection. I think that was her biggest need from me when things were going good. Now I want to begin to show her affection without pushing her further away. I'm not sure how to do that.<P>Under the circumstances, she should be showering me with affection, but that's not how it works. Any advice???<P>qzar<P> <BR> <P>

Qzar<BR>After the affair it is important that you tell her that you know about it, that you are also part to blame, and that you forgive her for it. An affair is a symptom of problems in a marriage. Tell her you want to start fresh and work with her on each and every porblem, it will take effort and time and if both of you give it #1 priority, the two of you could see each other in a new way. It is like building a new home, new foundation, newer and bigger house, that could be your marriage. <BR>But ground rules have to be established like: no more lying, no more deceit, be open to each other, be courteous to each other, know and fulfill each others needs lovingly.<BR>This is what I did with my wife after her affair, and we felt like we were in our honeymoon for 1 1/2 year, until we let other things creep in, (also we left God mostly out of the marriage during this time) and she cheated again.<P>This time we are seeing clearer on what is appropiate with relationships of opposite sex, and what is not, and to act soon so not to slip. We have frank and open communication about everything, I want to know what she is thinking and feeling, and she wants same from me. We spend time together, we go to the movies, we go out often, I make her my #1 friend, my lover and my wife. This only takes care of the physical and soul aspects of marriage, but I think without the spiritual(God Centered)union also, an marriage could work but will not be 100% complete. God designed marriage to unite the soul, physical, and spirits of both husband and wife and their maker, it's a deep mistery only God knows!!

Hurtagaintwice,<P>What you said in your post is exactly what I want to do. However, I don't know if the affair is still going on (I think it's dying). She has never admitted to it and neither of has brought it up in over a month. We're at a stalemate.<BR>I've got to break the silence. I just don't know how to start.<P>qzar

Don't be afraid to be affectionate. Affection doesn't have to mean sex. Be her friend. Do fun things together. The intimacy can come later. You need to meet each others' emotional needs first. Take care.

Janie,<P>I'm terrifed of showing her affection because I don't want to push her further away. Any suggestions on subtle ways of showing affection? I'd like to do some fun things together, but the only things we do together are family things. The affair is hanging over our heads like a black cloud. I wish she would just get it out in the open so we can move on, but I think she's too scared and ashamed. Also, I don't know if it's still going on.<P>qzar

qzar - stalemate is a good way to describe your situation.<P>First, assume the affair is still ongoing.<P>Second, do not beat yourself up over causing the affair. Yes, you have some responsibility in creating the favorable environment for the affair to occur, but she alone made the decision to betray you.<P>As far as what to do now, please get "Surviving An Affair" and "His Needs/Her Needs" (available from the MB bookstore and most retail bookstores). Also cruise this site and get smart about Plan A and Plan B.<P>When you're horsed up on this stuff, schedule a counseling session with Steve Harley to get started on your plan. I advise you maintain your current stalemate until you do this stuff to avoid making a mistake.<P>Come back here with questions as you learn. This site is a lifesaver for many, many folks.<P>WAT

worthatry,<P>I'm currently reading "His Needs, Her Needs". I have a copy of "Surviving the Affair", but haven't read it.<P>I have been working on my situation with someone I met on another website. He went through this a year ago and was fortunate enough to save his marriage. He now counsels people on-line. He has been a great source of support and advice. He has helped me maintain my composure throughout this, and he helped me understand that these things take alot of time and patience. <P>I've changed my old patterns of behavior, I've maintained a calm, steady presence since I confronted my wife. I understand how and why this happened. Now I need to identify my W's needs and start meeting them. This isn't about me and my needs, this is about her's. There will be a time for me to show her how hurt I am, but this isn't it. In her state of mind, she wouldn't care right now. She's being selfish, and if I'm selfish too we have no chance. I've got to put her first like I never have before. When she comes out of the "fog", that will mean alot to her.<P>I'm really doing quite well. I'm not bouncing off walls or crying every night. I'm keeping busy, and trying to learn as much about this as I can. I'll be OK no matter what happens.<P>qzar

qzar - sounds like you're headed in the right direction. What is the other site you mentioned?<P>WAT

wat,<P>The website is <A HREF="http://www.divorcebusting.com" TARGET=_blank>www.divorcebusting.com</A> <P>qzar