17 days ago, my wife of 16 years aproached me about divorce.<BR>She said she wasn't happy and hadn't been for so long. She said I didn't treat the children in a loving way and the oldest 15yrs din't care if we did. Well this hurt, I was devistated, the lowest I had ever been. I didn't relize the father I was. I got on to web and found MB. It was an awakening, I have missed my son growing up, I decided to change, and I have worked on it. Now me and my son are growing closer. We had agreed to seperate and see how her feelings were and sort of date. This was not my idea. But I would try anything to make her happy. I've noticed her growing more apart for the last couple of months, and questioned her if there was someone she has been spending time with.She finally admitted she had lunch and talked to him alot on the phone all the time. I told her to stop that it would lead to an A. She laughed and said they were just friends and wouldn't give him up. I was suspicious, I tapped the phones and found out more than I wanted on Saturday. I was suppose to move out on Sunday. She already planned other meeting with him on Monday and Tuesday to be intimate.<BR>When confronted she said they have already had 2 unprotected enounters in the last 2 weeks. I ask her to end it right then,but she only told him she needed time to sort things out. He is about eight years younger and she said she loved him. Like a dummy I told her it was lust and he was just meeting her emotion needs. She agreed that he was but that it wasn't lust. She doesn't know if she wants us to work it out. She said she doesn't know how she feels about us, she feels bitterness twards me from the past. She has brought up every bad thing between us in the past few days. I have forgiven her for what she did, I took the blame,I told her if I was meeeting her EN's she wounld't have went somewhere else. My son found out about her A and told her if she saw the OM he would live with me. She has said we have made all her choices for her. She still won't let me hug or hold her.<BR>She acts like she hates me. I ask her to give it about three weeks to see if she feels anything for me.It been 5 days and she still doesn't know. I told her to write him aletter to end it, but she refused said it wasn't personal. She called him today while i was at work, she said to end it, cause she didn't want to loose her son, not that she wanted to for reasons it was wrong. Did I screw up making her end it without her wanting to? Is it normal to feel nothing for me when I'am willing to work it out? She had the A, but I'm the one who has forgiven her. Is bitterness feeling twords me a part of the healing? I told her I would do anything for her and that I love her. She said she could not say the same thing now but she will see if any feelings are there. She will be going out of town with her family and my children for 4 days and I'm scared she will see she didn't miss me.

<BR>Hello and Welcome to Marriage Builders!<P>First, I would like to share two links with you. Just click on the underlined links here, and read –><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi10_tour.html" TARGET=_blank>Tour of Marriage Builders</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome</A>. <P>Please read everything you can on this site, post and read often!! <P>I have been betrayed and betrayer, so I have the dubious honor of knowing what infidelity does from BOTH SIDES of the situation. <P>I believe in the concepts espoused here, if applied properly. One idea that has worked *wonders* for some couples is Plan A. Read about it here –><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>What Are Plan A and Plan B</A>.<P>Use what you learn here to make your marriage a safe place where you do your best to meet the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A> of your spouse,and avoid <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A> whenever possible. . When a decision must be made, use the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>POJA</A> to determine the final outcome that you can both agree upon.<P>Many couples find that counseling is VERY helpful, and the counseling provided here is excellent for several reasons; but the most important is that it goes along with the concepts here. Check it out here –> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counsel Link</A><P>Again, welcome to our community, and feel free to write often and ask lots of questions!<P><B>ABOUT YOUR POST</B><P>These words your W says, although painful to hear... are par for the course. ALL (and I'm serious, it really seems like at least 99%) say the same things-- the EXACT same things:<P>I love you but I'm not in love with you<BR>I love him/her<P>It's almost predictable.<P>No, you did not do the wrong thing asking her to end it... but doing over the phone is a MISTAKE. A no contact letter ONLY, read by you, and possibly delivered by YOU. At least put in the mailbox by you...<P>Begin a Plan A immediatly.<P>Best wishes. <BR><P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>And we know. We who have seen. ~Pellegrino

Thank you Nyngve, sometimes knowing that this is the way WS should act helps deal with it. It is a bit confusing because most of the time it is the WS that wants to make it upto the H and start reconciling, but in this case it is me. I've tried to give her hugs and show her some affection and concern but it is only shrugged off. This is very difficult. I hope some others and you can tell me this reads like a play book. And how long to expect to wait for her. what do I do next.

To understand what your wife is doing. You want to know about the (WS). This is about all the help I can offer at the moment I almost at times, wished I had perspective on both ends. Not just mine as a (WS). I'm learning more, the longer I stay.<P>Might want to check out some posts from SKM, Clarity?, and Myself. We have all walked that path. Said those classic textbook (WS) lines. She's right it is par for the course. I said a lot of what your wife is saying. I'm not sure how it is we all say the same things, or similar things. We just do :><P>So read up my friend, lots to learn and understand. Plenty of people will help you. Just keep reading and posting. <P>SKM has been here a long while might want to search for "Her" posts.<P>Clarity? has also been here for a while. He posted a thread called "Come on baby lift my fog" and "Come on baby lift my fog II"<P>My posts are pretty much from this week. As my affair ended very recently. So i've done a lot of posting myself. You'll find them scattered around offering what perspective I could for various people.<P>SKM I apologize if your a him instead of "Her" I don't fully know your story, only that I believe my wife mentioned your knowledge of being a "WS" helped her understand what I was doing, as did Clarity?'s posts.<P>Glad I can now give her a look into how I was feeling, acting, and she can understand me now, just looking at my own posts <BR>------------------<BR>Prayers, Hugs, and Strength from both of us. Things do and can get better. Keep hoping, learning, and growing. Take care of yourself.<P>[H] and Knewjie<p>[This message has been edited by [H] (edited June 15, 2001).]

Nghtshdw - I cannot overemphasize what Nyneve said. Your description of your wife's behavior and words come right out of the affair script. A perfect performance. I say this over and over again to folks in your position - it is absolutely spooky how similar the stories all are. Any time ANYBODY says "just friends," reg flags should go up.<P>Please follow the advice you've already received and find every nook and cranny on this site.<P>The best advice I can give you at this moment is WAT's rule number 1 for new BSs: Do not try to make sense out of what's happening - you will be trying to apply logic to an illogical situation.<P>WAT