Now that I am in recovery. No worries I'm not leaving you wonderful people here. I'll swing by as usual and see if I can strum up some strength and hope for you. Hopefully you'll tolerate me here still. Since well i'm in recovery now. Hope that doesn't mean I have to go post elsewhere.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers, Hugs, and Strength from both of us. Things do and can get better. Keep hoping, learning, and growing. Take care of yourself.<P>[H] and Knewjie

Also wanted to add.<P>Tonight I had an opportunity to speak with Jennifer Harley. <BR>We also set up a plan for our marriage. So well be doing some fun things like the questioneres(sp) and i'll be learning some new ways to understand my wife. I had a lot of fun in answering question, and learned a thing or two about my wife. I'm so happy to be back on the right track. Thanks again everyone who offered her words of encouragement, words of support, and words of comfort in her time of need. I appreciate everyone of you.

Hi [H],<P>Glad to hear you had such a good session with Jennifer. We don't get to hear too much about those sessions so this is enlightening. If we took a poll right now, I doubt anyone would want you to stop posting unless you needed to for you and your family's santity sake. There is a lot of emotions and sadness flowing through this board because of these A's so to hear of a steady recovery is like a breathe of fresh air. <P>Please take care of yourself and your wife. Don't burn yourself out helping everyone. We do appreciate the time you have spent with us. I am not asking you to leave just pace yourself. You have given much to all of us here. Like a shot of good medicine. <P>You are always welcome here. <P>L.<BR>

I just want to know howdid your wife get you to want to actually participate inthis- or is it just that she is amazingly lucky to have a husband that doesn't want to just forget it and move on?<P>Is there anything I can do that will encourage my h to participate more besides stomping my feet?<P>

I participated on my own. Wasn't anything my wife said. I just dropped by after having a great night of conversation with her. Created a login the next morning, and here I am some 100 posts later.<P>I wanted to share my story with everyone here. Wanted to help do something positive with what I've learned about everything I was dealing with. So it's my own form of therapy as well.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B><BR>or is it just that she is amazingly lucky to have a husband that doesn't want to just forget it and move on?<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I guess she's amazingly lucky <P>Not sure what advice to offer you about your husband. I came here on my own, wanted to post because I'm that kind of person. Always enjoyed people, and helping. So... Here I am. Everyones diffrent.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers, Hugs, and Strength from both of us. Things do and can get better. Keep hoping, learning, and growing. Take care of yourself.<P>[H] and Knewjie

Orchid<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B><BR>Please take care of yourself and your wife. Don't burn yourself out helping everyone.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Trying not to do this very thing. Have been taking some personal time for just me. Sitting back and relaxing here this weekend. Doing some fun things again in the midst of talking with my wife every moment I can.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers, Hugs, and Strength from both of us. Things do and can get better. Keep hoping, learning, and growing. Take care of yourself.<P>[H] and Knewjie

Hello [H], glad things are going good for you. Since you seem to be the resident advisor on the board these days, I am hoping you could help me out here a little. You might or might not have read one of my ealier posts. I am a WS and am now back with family for close to 5 mths by end of June. My EMA was an exceptionally strong one, emotionally and psychically. ALthough the decision to come back was mine, it was not because i loved W or wanted to make M work again, it was out of obligation and guilt. Try as i may, until today my feelings for W hasn't changed. I can't force to change my feelings but i have been a bit more open to her. However i am feeling miserable. I can tell you honest,y i have never and will never feel for W the way idid for OW. I am going on maximum overdrive with work now and kids to not think of W or OW. And no i haven't been in contact with OW. So how is this then?

I'm going to butt in here... you can choose not to read the following if you think it will upset you....<P><BR>YOU are in charge of you feelings and decisions. I tell my students often...<P>"What you think is how it is. You can choose to be bored, happy, lonely, sad.... by how you view your situation. Perspective is everything."<P>Are you doing the work? Have you completed the HN,HN and LB questionairres? Are you letting your wife know what your needs are and what LB's take from you the fastest? Are you doing the same for her?<P>You can be proactive or reactive. The choice is yours. You chose to stay...you can say out of guilt or obligation and you can choose to remain miserable. <P>OR, you can look for the joy and happiness and do the work to make the joy and happiness happen.<P>No trying allowed....I tell my students that it is like the NIKE commercial...JUST DO IT! <P>Finally, give your anquish to God...let Him guide you He will provide all the answers for which you are looking.<P>------------------<BR>Cali<P><I> Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. </I><BR>1 Peter 5:6-7<p>[This message has been edited by StrongerInCali (edited June 17, 2001).]

Are you happy StongerinCali? If u r not, just decide and choose to be then. It's not that easy is it? Actions can be done, easily, I can decide i want to take my wife out, wine her and dine her tonight, go back and have sex with her. I can just barely go through with that i think. But yeah i can do it. What on earth have I been doing for the last 5 months then? I am going through with it but inside I am feeling so empty and incomplete.Why do u think i am posting in here and reading all this stuff? Never once b4 or after d-day did I think ‘ oh my gosh, what have I done, I’ve almost lost the woman I love so much’.

Heh whoops thought this was to me... Misunderstanding on my end.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by [H] (edited June 17, 2001).]

8 weeks ago all I thought I could feel was pain and hurt. Somedays all I could do was 'walk upright.' BUT, this website, going to church, my friends and coworkers helped me see that it was just my perspective...to look around at my children, at life and find 'happiness.'<P>And, you know what, I can. I did. <P>Can I say I am happy. With everything in my life? No. But I can say that I have moments of happiness. <P>You can live in misery and despair or you can look for hope.<P>painforever, I am also taking Celexa, which I also believe has evened out my highs and lows....you might see a doctor and see if some kind of medication is needed, if you're only feeling hopelessness and sadness. <P>Are you seeking professional help? This has also helped me. I'm not saying you can turn your feelings on or off like a switch...I can't turn off my feelings for my H...but I have learned to deal with them through therapy, medication, talking, posting....Get yourself some help, painforever. There is such a tone of despair in your post....I tend to be a 'pollyanna' about things....it is one of my 'survival' mechanisms.<P>Take care, I will be thinking about you and praying for you.<p>[This message has been edited by StrongerInCali (edited June 17, 2001).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B><BR>it was out of obligation and guilt<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Why do you feel guilty? If you don't love her? Generally we don't feel guilty about things, if don't really care about hurting someone else's feelings.<P>Who obligated you? You or your wife? You did... She doesn't control you. She can't make choices for you. These are choices you are making. Out of "Guilt" you say? Why feel guilty if you don't love her?<P>Not sure I understand your point.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers, Hugs, and Strength from both of us. Things do and can get better. Keep hoping, learning, and growing. Take care of yourself.<P>[H] and Knewjie

I don’t feel guilty towards her, but towards my kids, my parents, family and the 10 years that we had I guess. How could I leave when my kid tells me he loves me enjoys being with me and wants to be with me all the time. What do I say? Hmm? I look at her and I search in me to want to be happy with her but I can’t. I have kept what I felt for the OW away, tucked deep in my heart and yes it’s possible not to think of her every minute of the day, yeah I wish she is happy now but that’s a separate issue. I can’t and perhaps don’t want to meet my Ws Ens or her to meet my EN. I surviving at being comfortable with routine here. Tell me what ever happens to other WSs, those who does leave?

Hi [H] and painforever,<P>[h], <BR>Glad to hear you are taking some personal time this weekend. Be good and stay strong. My best to you and your wife. <P>Painforever, <BR>Ooooh, you sound like my H. My H recently revealed that when his first fiancee broke up with him 1 month before the wedding and refused to give any reason, it did not allow for real closure. At that time and 'til now, he has lost the ability to be happy with himself. That in turn has helped in ruining our marriage. I never really knew why H would try so hard to be miserable. H did not want to be happy. The bad part is that he thought he was only doing this to himself. WRONG!!! His actions were felt to all who associated with him and most of all myself and his son. <P>This while revealing, has now made me angry. 10 years of lost love because someone can't put closure. The woman who thought she had the right to deny this man the ability to put closure and move on. This has ruined not just his life but mine and our son's as well. Countless others have been impacted. What recourse to take? I am debating that one. Hmmmph...... Feels like dealing with 2 ow's now and they both have the same name!!!!! YUCK!!!<P>The point is that you need to look deep and find out the real reason why you don't feel like you no longer have or may have never had love for your wife. If you think you have been wronged, look in the mirror buddy, you have wronged her also and even your children. If you were my H and I have said this to my H, if you are staying because of the guilt, then leave. I don't need your pity. <P>My H won't leave. H might one day but for now he is here. He does have guilt, he should. What he did recently and in the past is irreprehensible. If he can prove himself a worthy and valuable father and husband on a go forward basis, then there might be hope. Otherwise, yes our marriage is over. <P>Let me share something with you. This really happened and yet it has a symbolic touch. I am about to post this on my thread for those that are keeping up. <P>When OW called last Tuesday and unleased yet another d/d on me (me with morning sickness and all), I packed up the clothes in H's dresser and took some of his clothes out of the closet. They have been sitting in the hallway since then. <P>They are in the way, obstructing entrance to our office. We all have to go around it. Here is the symbolic part. I put those close there to show H how I felt. If H wants to work to be with his family, he needs to put them back. He has not yet. The time is running out for those clothes to remain there (my timeframe). H is aware. H is indecisive by his actions and that is why those clothes are still there. I am not holding here. In fact I told him to go and leave up permanently. OW would love to know this. Yet, H has avoided several of her phone calls and has agreed to only speak to her within my presence for everything. There maybe some paternity issues, not sure yet. <P>The point is that this is an obstacle to all who enter our home. It is a daily reminder for those of us who live here. Our child has learned to go around it, so have I. H also goes around it but my tolerence will end soon. The hallway like our lives will be cleared from the clutter of the A and all who associate with it. <P>Now it is a matter of how and when....... <P>That is my story. <BR>L.<BR>