I would really appreciate your advice on where to go/what to do next. My WH has a very deep emotional bond with the OW - and it seems as though she feels the same way about him. It's a real 'soulmates' affair and they think they are 'soul twins' (which is supposed to be your one perfect soulmate of them all). They have only had sex once and it's much more an emotional affair than a physical one. <P>The OW is unhappy in her marriage, but feels as though she has to give it at least a chance - so she has asked my WH to go to 'no contact'. My husband has agreed with this - not because he wants to, but out of the 'deep respect he has for her'. The OW and her husband are going to counselling - but I know that her husband is not very patient and to be honest, I don't hold out much hope for them.<P>Last night, my husband made two physical (sexual) passes at me, after we had met for dinner - but I felt this would be wrong under the circumstances, as he was emotionally 'down' and I felt he was looking for comfort. He says that he knows I love him. <P>This morning I exchanged several e-mails with him - he is very depressed - in acute withdrawal - and fighting the urge to contact her every minute. He still believes, has no doubt, that they will eventually end up together - that they were 'meant to be'. I understand the pain of withdrawal, and I understand that he is not ready to decide whether or not he wants to give our own marriage a chance. I do want to be there for him as an understanding friend though - someone to offer him support. He knows that they can never be 'just friends' again - and it is the thought of losing such a wonderful friend that he is grieving over. He has problems forming close friendships - and I think this was his 'first' - although he is now starting to open up to me more as well.<P>I know he is a good man - I know he never wanted to hurt me and that he is being completely honest about his feelings for her, so that I don't get my hopes up and get hurt again.<P>I'm not sure. I am confused as to how he could want to have sex with me last night, when he still loves her. I am confused as to how I should be helping him - I tend to be, perhaps, a little too compassionate and I was almost wanting to tell him that he should contact her!<P>I am still totally, completely and utterly in love with this man. We have been together for 20 years and he is the one I want to grow old with. I would do anything for him - but part of me loving him so much means that I want him to be happy - and that might mean letting him go. <P>I need some reassurance that what he is feeling for her is 'normal', I need reassurance period! I need to know the best way to handle the next few weeks...<P>Thanks, Paint.

Well. In the beginning I too had found my "Soulmate" it seems. (OW) was a long standing friend of mine, we had been friends for 2 years. So I had a real problem letting go as well. We however didn't get to a (long-term) no contact point in our affair until I stopped all communication. After I was coming out of the fog.<P>So I'm going to say your husband is normal, that his situation is very much like my own. I also told my wife (OW) was my soulmate. I also made (sexual) passes at my wife durring times when I thought (OW) and I were done.<P>Short and quick here since I can't find my own post where I mentioned something similar. OW and I had kind of a falling out, a very sad phone call where we both agree'd we wouldn't be talking to each other anymore.<P>Well I went home to my wife that day. Sad about losing my friend, depressed as well. So I promised her I would work on the marriage. I thought after all (OW) would never contact me again, and I wouldn't contact her. I wanted things to change with (OW) and I. We had been friends, "Soulmates" and I wasn't ready to give that up.<P>Well it seems she wasn't either. (OW) also said a few times that we were soul-mates as well. So she called me the next day I believe, and we repaired the damage. We were back and stronger then ever.<P>It's normal to be reluctant at first. I only hope in your husbands case, that your (OWH) helps his marriage, and helps the (OW) in your case see. That your husband isn't her "soulmate" it's a very thick fog, she want's your husband to be everything her husband wasn't in the past. Same with your husband I assume. What you don't see in the fog. Is your wife or husband can be these things, are these things to you. You just see it diffrently.<P>So I will say. This is very very similar to my story. I even told my wife. Yes (OW) is my soulmate, if you want me to be happy then let me go. I am so so happy she didn't let me go, and I finally realized I was deep in the fog.<P>Time has a way of revealing the truth in any situation. It takes some longer then others, but it does come to light. I would like to say, he'll come around. I'm not sure he's ready for the fairydust to wear off. The reality to set in. I wasn't at first either.<BR>He has to see some truth and reality of it. To stop and ask himself some questions. This takes time.<P>I'm sure my wife was duely confused as well. That I was wanting to have sex with her when I was "Totally in love with this perfect love, this soulmate I found".<P>I was depressed at the time, in emotional withdrawl as well.<BR>I spoke with (OW) again we repaired our minor set back.<BR>So I continued the damage with my wife.<BR>I felt so bad, when I talked with my wife again, and I said well "I want a divorce" I'm not going to work on the marriage. This after telling my wife I was going to work on our marriage, we could have our hopes and dreams again.<P>You are right to be cautious. It's a hard time for him, I just hope the reality sets in, and the fairy dust wears off before the (Ow) gets back in contact with him. That being said.<P>I also don't believe it's a good sign they left on good terms with each other. They stopped communication with love still in thier hearts for each other.<P>I don't have a solid or concrete answer for you, as none of my responces are solid and concrete for anyone here. They only explain my story, and what happened to me. If this sounds like your husband, he may infact do something similiar to what I did. Since it's almost like a script at times. We follow it, and we as (WS's) don't even realize we're following a script.<P>However I would like to offer as much of my story as I possibly can. I ended up going back to my wife when I thought things were finished with (OW) and myself. I was hurt, and grieving for the friend I lost as well, a friend I had for 2 years prior to this. I said and promised some things at the time to my wife. I half meant these things. It was all to much at the time for me to promise anyone. I hadn't even began to understand I was in the fog and addicted so to speak to (OW).<P>Your reassurance is here in my story. It's one of the many standard (WS) scripts. We all say and do similar things, some of us are even exactly like what I described above, and some of you women out there, may see your husband in my stories and in me. "Thats your reassurance, that it is normal".<P>-Added.<BR>Hope this helps some.<BR>As for where to go? What to do next? Well, thats where your situation differs from mine. I ended up going back to (OW) the next day. I would say be supportive, strong, and loving. Get him some help, so he can see the truth of the situation. So he can see, he's not losing a friend, he's gaining a marriage, and a much better friend, who is his partner, wife, best friend, and soul-mate as well.<P>I'm my shoes, and my opinion. I don't believe a perfect love can be found out of an (A) theres no way it can. I touched on this in one of my posts. Stating, you can't build on a foundation of lies. No matter how hard you try, no matter what you do. The truth does come out. You only end up falling harder. I fell pretty far myself. I was on cloud nine. Thought that I had found my one true love in the world also. More fairy dust, and less reality... <P>It's fog he's in and thicker at times.<BR>------------------<BR>Prayers, Hugs, and Strength from both of us. Things do and can get better. Keep hoping, learning, and growing. Take care of yourself.<P>[H] and Knewjie<p>[This message has been edited by [H] (edited June 15, 2001).]

<B>Paintbox</B><P>I agree with <B>[H]</B> and have read many of his posts. <P>I only have one thing to add, and I am ducking here as I am pretty sure I am going to get blasted by some.<P>Next time he makes a pass at you of the sexual nature, go for it. What's wrong with comforting him this way? I know for many men (ducking lower now), sex is a huge way of expressing love, in that "Men have sex and then fall in love." At the very least the act of having sex seems to be the clincher often. It is also a way for you to build love units in his bank. <P>There can be no circumstances that would be so great that a married couple wouldn't be "right" in having sex. Just my opinion here. <P>My husband's fog was deep and it was a very painful process for both of us. I can tell you without a doubt he is "In Love" with me again. Don't give up hope, faith and determination. This is really do-able, even though it may not look like it or feel like it.<P>Tons of hugs for you,<P>------------------<BR><B>God bless you and all of us. We are all going to make it, all of us! With God on our side we can't lose! What God has joined together let no man put asunder. <P>Samantha</B><p>[This message has been edited by A blessed Samantha (edited June 15, 2001).]

A blessed Samantha,<P>Good points. My wife also extended out towards me this way. in fact I ended up feeling guilt from it. Not because she made me feel guilty for it. Which made me again second guess if what I was doing was right in the long run.<P>Again.. Interesting points Samantha. Glad you mentioned it.<P>Help is help, atleast many ideas, and thoughts to look at. <BR>Always good to have a lot of things to mull over.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers, Hugs, and Strength from both of us. Things do and can get better. Keep hoping, learning, and growing. Take care of yourself.<P>[H] and Knewjie