This one is long....sorry...a lot to say <P>I have been reading the post on this site for some time now. Let me give you a little back ground on my story. <BR> My husband and I have been married for 3 years this past Wed. We have been seperated for about 3 1/2 months. <BR>We initially agreed to seperate because of on going arguments and disagreements. We have a 2 1/2 year old son together who both of us hold as our #1 priorty. The arguing was effecting both of our relationships with him. Shortly, after we decided to seperate, I met someone. Let me remind you that we were not legally seperated yet. At first, (like all the rest) it was a friendship. I guess that that I think that it was more of an emotional affair than anything. The OM gave me things that I had been missing in my marriage for a long time. <BR>About 2 months after we seperated, (let me fill you in on one more thing- I moved out and I am currenlty living with my parents. My H kept the house. We currenlty have 50/50 custody of our son) I finally figured out that I really wanted to work on the marriage. I love my husband very much, and can;t imagine myself with another man. Problem is, my husband thinks that more happend between me and om the really did. He finds it hard to believe that om and I spent so much time together and nothing more happened except kissing. I have accepted the fact that, if that's what he thinks, then he will have to work on getting over that. <BR>When I approched my H about working on marriage, he said that he was much to angry at me. That he can't even stand to look at me. I accept that. I don't know what it feels like to be in his shoes. So we agreeed that we needed to take some time to re-sort ourselves. We agreed that there would be no more conversation for sometime about us . We would limit conversation to our son. <BR>Then..... my h asked for more time with our son. My son and h are best friends and have been since he was born. I agreed to give him a little more time, since I only work part time and do truley spend more time with him. Problem is, my parents, (who normally are supportive) gave me an ultimatum. If I decide to give h more time, then I am no longer welcome to live under their roof. They said that good moms would not volunarily give up time with their children, they would fight for every minute. I feel that my husband should have more time with our son. We both only want what's best for our son.<P>Now the last delima- if I give h more time with son. I have no where to live. H and I have a lot of marital debt and can not afford another place to live. I do not want to keep moving our son from place to place. H said that if I am not welcome to live in my parents home, to come back and live at our house. He said ' don't take this the wrong way'. I know that if I move back, it would not be becasue he wants to be with me. For right now, it is what's best for our son.<P>I don't know what to do.... I don't want him to think that I am taking advantage of him... or forcing him to live with me..... Will that make things worse? <P>Please help....any comments ...suggestions. <BR>Thanks

Firstly - your son and your husband are number 1 priority - not your parents. I know only too well how parents can sometimes drive a wedge between you and those you love - part of what went wrong with my own marriage was that we emigrated to the USA from England, about 18 months ago. I am an only child and my parents were grief-stricken. They (unintentionally) put me through guilt trip after guilt trip and I ended up feeling torn, guilty and depressed. Now I KNOW where my priorities lie - but I learned the hard way. Of course, your parents love you and don't want to see you get hurt - but your son NEEDS and DESERVES to spend time with both of his parents. This is not your problem, this is not your husbands problem - it's your parents. Have a talk with them - try to keep calm, express what a wonderful relationship your son's father has with him and TELL them that you will not risk damaging that relationship for any reason. You love your son and acknowledge his need to spend time with his father. Be firm. They have absolutely no right to try and emotionally blackmail you in this way. You are an adult, and a mother who is perfectly capable of making her own decisions - you are not their 'little girl' any more.<P>Best wishes, Paint.

Thanks, for your help...<BR>I guess maybe I didn't make myself as clear... There was never a quesiton whether or not I would agree to more time. I think that he needs it right now. But what do you think about the living situation . I am really not sure how to handle that one

Harsh situation...<P>"You're not welcome" unless you do things their way? Thats brutal. <P>Well you need to do whats right for you in the situation. If you move back to your place with your husband then thats what you need to do.<P>Do you really believe your parents would cut you out of thier lives. Also cutting out thier grandson? Thats a huge mistake on thier end. Not sure if they see that now. Since they think they know what's best for you. Instead of being supportive and loving.<P>Otherwise explore other options that might work for you as well. I don't know if you can afford to get your own place, or if you can stay with someone else.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers, Hugs, and Strength from both of us. Things do and can get better. Keep hoping, learning, and growing. Take care of yourself.<P>[H] and Knewjie

Question: Did you tell your parents know about the OM? Do they know *why* you and your H are living apart, that it's because he needs more time to sort things out because of your EA? This might make all of the difference. You might tell them, "Look, Mom, Dad ... I can't go into great detail about my marital situation, but I can tell you that I did something to my H that really hurt him, and he needs more time to think about whether he wants to stay in the marriage. I don't blame him one bit for taking this extra time to think." You might find that they are more receptive to your decision.<P>s.

What your parents did is not nice, as you know. But you've got it right....your son is your #1 priority.<P>I'll go out on a limb here and say that I think you should take the offer to move back home, knowing that your H says he doesn't want to be with you. I look at that as a perfect opportunity to Plan A, and do everything you can to meet his ENs, no LBs, and just be the best you can be.<P>Maybe it will take some time, but you have a shot at him sometime wanting to discuss things further, and reconcile.<P>I assume you have read all the Plan A stuff?<P>You both want what is best for your son, and your H doesn't want to lose time with him....nor do you. Maybe by being together again he will see how nice it would be to have a united family again.<P>Just my opinion, but if it were me, I'd use it as an opportunity to Plan A. He made the offer, so I don't think you should worry about taking advantage of him. Like you said, it is what is best for your son, and you both get to spend lots of time with him.<P>I really hope it works out for you two. Keep us posted on what happens.<P>Maybe someday your H can come to this site and learn alot. Maybe he can see how many of us are fighting for your marriages knowing our wives and husbands have been in physical affairs for a long time.<P>Good luck.<p>[This message has been edited by Rick37 (edited June 15, 2001).]

To answer a few questions:<P>Yes, My parents are aware of what happened with me and OM. I did not want to lie to them , nor my husband. I was honest form the first day that I started talking to him.<BR>My parents take on the situation is that my choose to get involved with another man has nothing to do with the custody of our child. They feel that he is using it as a punsihment for me. I thank god every day that my husband is so involved with him. There are days that I think how much easier it would be for me if he wasn't, but then my head turns and I remember that this is not about me...this is about him. And what EVER I have to do to make him happy. I will. He deserves the best. <P>As far as exploring my other options, My concern again is our son. I dont want to keep moving him from place to place. i want him to have a home. He is only 2 1/2 and I do not want to keep moving him around. <P>Thanks for everyone's help... I know that I am on the other side than most of you . It is a great hepl to maybe understand a little better how and what he may be feeling. Because honestly, i think about it everyday and can't imagine how much pain I have caused him. If I could I would say that I am sorry everyday of my life. I miss him so much and more each day. <BR>The more help...the better. (I should have asked for help before I got myself into this mess)<BR>

Sorry13,<BR>Whew! This is a tricky situation you're in!<BR>I know how tough it can be when parents get involved and start laying down the ultamatums (sp?) - mine are famous for it.<BR>I also understand the importance of doing what's right by your children...I have 2 of my own.<BR>Since you've expressed that your little one is the top priority for both you and your husband...let me ask you this...<BR>Which enviornment is best for your son?<BR>Children are perceptive little creatures, and although they don't understand the dynamics of certain situations they are ALWAYS aware when something is 'not right' within their enviornment.<BR>If they are being affected by difficult situations they will react by 'acting out', or displaying behaviors not generally typical for their personalities. Things like not sleeping well, not eating normally, being difficult in situations that usually cause no problem at all etc.<BR>Where does your son appear to be more comfortable?<BR>If it's your parent's house, then you need to work out some sort of comfortable arrangement, and if it's home with your husband, then again the two of you have to come to an understanding that your both comfortable with to make things work.<BR>I agree with Rick that moving back home does give you the opportunity to work on your marriage that you wouldn't have to the same extent by staying with your parents...perhaps that would be the better option of the two if putting your marriage back together is also one of your top priorities.<BR>JMO - I hope it helps.<BR>Take care, and stay strong.<BR>-SD