I am writing to ask if anyone can provide me with some perspective on my situation. I also posted this in "Marriage and the Early Years", but I thought maybe someone reading this group of messages might also be able to offer some perspective...<P>I have been with my fiancee for nine years. We met in October of my freshman year of college (he was a sophomore) and have been together ever since. Almost from the time we met each other, I believed I knew that I would marry him. In general, the relationship has been (seemed?) wonderful, and I won't go into detail about that. I will just summarize that "bad" things, so that you will understand the point I'm at. I'm sorry this is a long story, but it's been nine years! In spite of the length of this email, I hope that you will read on and try to offer me some perspective. This is the best BB that I have come across, I value the integrity of the site, and I need help.<P>So, the story.... When I was a sophomore in college (and he was a junior), he had a one-night stand with a freshman whom I'd met once because she'd been hanging out with one of his friends. There was some talk of this friend and this girl getting together, but it hadn't led anywhere. I went home to visit my parents one weekend and came back to find out that my fiancee had spent the night with this girl (he told me about it right away). He did not tell me what happened, because I said I didn't want to know, but he said he didn't think they'd had sex (to be honest, I don't remember the details.... he was drunk and either he thought they must not have had sex because he wouldn't have been able to, or he asked her and she said they hadn't). I made the mistake of finding her online, pretending to be someone random asking about her night, and she told me that she had slept with him. But he said that they hadn't (or whatever it was he said, and I really do forget) and I chose to believe him, at least that he was sorry and that it would never happen again. And I do believe that's true - that he's never cheated on me since.<P>The next year, when I was a junior and he was a senior, we lived together in his tiny dorm room. It was mostly wonderful, except for a few drunken screaming matches about who knows what (i.e., that he thought I'd been ignoring him at a party or something). But we never talked about these fights afterwards, I think because we just wanted to feel better about it. They really, really scared me. And except for those fights, we NEVER fight. I know it sounds strange, but I don't know what we would/should fight about. I am wondering if I won't even admit to myself when I am upset or angry, so of course I don't express it to him? And he never starts fights, so maybe it's the same with him? Anyway, going on with the story...<P>The following year, my fiancee graduated and moved to NYC. I was a senior and stayed at school. That year I hung out with my girl friends much more than ever, something I hadn't done much the three previous years. And that year, I completely surprised myself by starting an affair with a friend of mine (call him A). I didn't expect it to turn into an independent relationship, and I don't think he did either - we made our plans to go our separate ways after graduation. Because I had never been able to put my fiancee's one-night stand completely behind me, and because I decided I was resolved to make sure this never happened again and I was going to move to NYC to be near my fiancee (not live with him), I never told him about A.<P>And things were better with my fiancee when we lived in the same city. I had some lingering doubts and confusion about what had happened, but I felt that it was something I needed to put behind me. All was fine until a couple years later, when my fiancee and I started talking about getting married. In fact, I was the one who was pushing for it. But then I had been in a miserable job and when I changed jobs, I suddenly felt freer and happier. Suddenly I wasn't so sure I wanted to get married. It was in this state that I started hanging out with my co-worker (call him B). I confessed to him that I wasn't sure about whether I really wanted to marry my fiancee, and we talked some about it, and he said (at this point without knowing me) that maybe it was just cold feet. But mostly our relationship developed without talking about my fiancee. We started hanging out together after work, going to bars and drinking a lot. I started pushing my fiancee away (not knowing that he'd already bought an engagement ring) and telling him that I needed space. Soon I was in a sexual relationship with B, and lying to my fiancee about it. I was not happy, but I thought that I was finally doing "what I wanted." That included staying out all night, once even going to work the next day without sleeping, and trying drugs for the first (and last) time. My fiancee had planned to take a month-long trip with his family cross-country during the summer (motivated in part by my pushing him away) and the day before he left, I told him that I needed an official break. We left it that we could see other people, though obviously he was not going to be seeing anyone on this family trip, and here he was leaving me in NYC, drinking and hanging out with whoever I wanted to. (In the meantime, my roommate had just found out that the guy she had dated for five years and had wanted to marry was gay. So we were both in a state of intense confusion and handled it by going out for drinks as often as possible.)<P>During that month, I'd stopped sleeping with B, but I was still going out, and once kissed / hooked up with (didn't sleep with - but does that really matter?) a guy I met at a bar. But my fiancee called me about once a week and sent me postcards, so we were sort of in touch. When he came back, I was NOT sure I was ready to get back with him, or whether I wanted to, but the thought of him leaving was terrible. Soon I stopped drinking and partying because I realized I couldn't do that and still have my fiancee around. And things settled down and I never told him about B. In fact, I flat-out lied whenever he asked me about it, and he told me that he would just have to believe me. His parents did NOT believe me, but what could they do?<P>So the recovery was hard. He went to counseling, but I refused, saying I wanted to figure this out on my own and thought that I could. And then things really started to seem good between us. We did talk about how we never fight, and how we have to feel freer to be honest about how we're feeling, etc. But of course, I don't know if I'd ever done that, and so nothing really changed. Well, I thought things had changed, because I was happy, but I don't know that they ever did. Eight months later, my fiancee proposed (with the ring he'd bought earlier that year) and I accepted. For months afterwards, I thought I couldn't be happier. I believed that what had happened in the past didn't matter and what I wanted was him. I couldn't imagine being with anyone else.<P>Right after getting engaged, I moved out of NYC to go to graduate school in another city a few hours away. It has been a long hard year, trying to see each other, while we were both in school and had so much work to do. It was draining on me emotionally as well as financially and time-wise. Generally I went to visit him, and probably sacrificed too much of my time trying to help him get through school (which he was having some trouble with), without even acknowledging that I was resenting it or telling him that I needed to spend more time on my own work. I felt that the year became to be all about talking about his work or talking about wedding planning. (Of course this isn't entirely true, but that's how it felt a lot of the time.)<P>So here we were, with a little over two months to go before the wedding, and I'm feeling just fine about it. Well, complaining a little to my friends, but really believing that in my head I was fine about it. And these were new friends, who didn't know anything of my past. Well, except for the ironic situation that my co-worker, B, also chose to come to this graduate school and is in my program and lives just a couple of streets away! Nothing has happened with him though since we moved here, and I don't believe that anything will. I don't believe that we are right for each other as anything more than friends. (Not that we aren't vulnerable, as this whole web site points out, but I really don't think that we would enter into another affair.)<P>Anyway, I'm getting closer to the end of my story, I promise! So, a little over a month ago (with about two and a half months to go before the wedding), I was hanging out with a guy from my program, call him C, and I invited him over to my apartment after we'd been out with friends. It was something like 5 in the morning. Of course, something almost happened, but we both stopped. I completely freaked out, because I hadn't believed this was possible. For the next few weeks, I threw myself into counseling, all the while still talking with C, who told me that he was interested in a relationship with me, but that I needed to work all this stuff out within myself and with my fiancee first. In fact, he urged me to tell my fiancee, insisting that honesty was crucial and the only way to deal with the situation.<P>I resisted that suggestion for a long time, and still have not told my fiancee. I believed that through counseling and facing the fact that there is something that causes me to seek out other people, that I would come to a better understanding of this. I thought that I might still get married this summer. But over the past month, I have since starting sleeping with my friend, C, and I just today canceled the wedding. My fiancee and I have been talking a lot and he even came to a couples counseling session with me (not with my individual counselor), but I haven't been able to tell him what's wrong. If I tell him what has happened, I want to be able to explain why. And now I am no longer sure that I even want my relationship with my fiancee. I don't know if I'm overwhelmed by the whole situation, and I'm looking at all my actions, thinking that how could I do this if I really wanted him? I thought I was making progress, trying to figure out what C offers me that my fiancee doesn't (and there are some things, like sexual fulfillment, great conversation, he challenges me, etc.) and I hoped that as I figured them out that I would then want to ask those things of my fiancee. And at the time that I would ask those things of him, I might actually tell him about the three affairs, even if that meant risking losing him. I KNOW that I cannot get married as things stand. But I'm starting to feel numb and feel like telling my fiancee that it's over.<P>Also, one big problem if I really did want to reconcile with my fiancee, now I live near and work with both B and C (and B knows about my current situation with C), and I DO NOT want to move. This program is too important for me. It is really what I have wanted to be doing with my life and I can't bear to give that up.<P>Please, if anyone has any advice about how to think about this, please tell me. I don't want to sabotage my relationship (telling my fiancee it's over) if it's really what I want but I'm just overwhelmed or something, but I don't want to stay in this relationship if it's not what I want. And for some reason, even though I should know what my own feelings are, I can't seem to access them.

How much of this website have you read? You should at least be familiar with Plan A, ENs, LBs, etc. If you aren't, go to Just Found Out forum, and find the NSR post welcoming new people.<P>One would have to think that if you can have three affairs while being involved with your fiancee, something is not right with the relationship. The message you'll get here on this site is complete honesty, which would mean telling your fiancee about A/B/C. I would suspect that he would not be very pleased, given that you are not yet married. But I think you owe it to him to be honest.<P>There must be some ENs not being met between you and fiancee. But bear in mind that these new relationships are always "wonderful", and typically the conversation and passion can be awesome, because it is new. But give it years of regular everyday life and challenges, responsibilities, and even raising kids someday, and any relationship is subject to becoming much less exciting. That is what happens to marriages.<P>Something I pick up on that I can relate to, is the fact that you place an emphasis on not fighting with your fiancee. My wife and I rarely fought about anything, but I now know that this was actually a bad thing. What was really happening was that I was just accepting things that were not right, and avoiding conflict. In the end, that can spell disaster, if you are not getting your true thoughts out about things. If you are not fighting because you just want to avoid it, then that is trouble. I don't know if that applies to you. But all I want to say is that I too, used to think it was a great sign that we don't fight. But I know it was just trouble brewing now. My wife was not one to be disagreed with, so I just wouldn't disagree on things that I should have.<P>This is a tough situation, and somewhat different from what we usually see on here. But the concepts of relationships still apply, and there must be some things not working right with your fiancee. That itself would not mean that you could not fix them and have a happy marriage, but like any troubled marriage, you'd have to take the proper steps. That would mean telling him about your affairs, and if he wants to salvage the relationship, subsequent counselling and lots of hard work.<P>My own opinion is that a wedding that was scheduled for the next couple of months isn't a good idea, regardless of what you plan on doing. There is too much wrong from what you describe. I'd want to have a clear conscience going into a wedding.<P>Hopefully you'll get some more advice here. I wish you luck. I think that you'll have to sort out how you feel, and make some big decisions.

Definitely you are not ready for marriage yet. You have to get all these urges out of your system first. It's plain and simple, forget about marriage just tell your partner honestly you are not ready for marriage. It's up tp you to tell him the truth or not. If you are not going to marry then you have a choice to tell or not. If you do marry then you better come clean. I would not risk to marry you at this stage because I would not trust you and you cannot tust yourself. You put yourself into situations that almost certainly always result in affairs. A man and a woman together late at night usually spells trouble. One you have sex you brain tries to justify itself and you might think it is lovem fulfilling emotional needs and all kinds of things like that. You need a higher self esteem and moral standards. Of course these can be devleoped if you want that. Ask C if he will marry you? If not, if he just wants you for sex then what is to be thought of that? Maybe a litle your affair is a revenge afair. I think it is not as bad though as if you were already married. So maybe take another year to think about marriage and to who?

I really want to thank you for responding to my post. It was so helpful to hear your replies. I have been thinking a lot about what EN's are not being met in my relationship with my fiancee and I think there are a lot. What's confusing to me about that is that I have played such an active role in them not being met, but not expressing enough what I want and just assuming he can't/won't meet them.<P>And now I feel like I've found them in someone else (C). I already feel like I trust him and can be more vulnerable with him than I ever was with my fiancee. That said, I'm also terrified that this is so new and I don't know how long these feelings will last and whether this is all part of the "wonderfulness" of a new relationship. I don't know how to figure that out, except to try to trust, try to be open and honest, and try to go forward with this relationship with C. In response to Rodger, no C would not marry me, but that is right now. He is interested in building a relationship and it is definitely not just for the sex. He has said that he is also willing to let me go to "figure this out" if that's what I really need, though that is not what he wants.<P>I have questioned whether I should be trying to evoke these new feelings with C in my relationship with my fiancee. I do believe that a lot of this trust and openness I'm experiencing with C were never present though, and so I just don't want to try to recreate with my fiancee what I'm feeling with C, just because I think that I "should." I think that's why I've stayed with him for as long as I have. And I have been thinking about why I'm scared to leave him. I have been thinking about what I am afraid of, and I believed I was scared that I would suddenly feel like I wanted him back but it would be too late. And then I realized that what I fear is that I will want him back, but what I'll want is the comfortable / dishonest / not open relationship that we had, not necessarily the actual relationship that we would seriously need to work on.<P>On the other hand, that may or may not even really be an option. I have really been thinking about all of this, and was trying to figure out how to express this all to my fiancee, who doesn't live with me, but was planning to come visit in the next week. But then last night on the phone he asked me if there was someone else, guessed who it was, asked if anything had happened and whether we'd slept together, and so now that's all out in the open. I was not prepared to tell him that yet, but I guess I can't hold off forever. So now it hurts to see what I've done to him and he wants to understand, and yet I'm still trying to understand. I'm trying to trust my feelings, and be aware of them (not rationalize them), but it's so scary.<P>I do want to thank you for your advice and support. It's been really helpful and I appreciate it. It's scary to try to trust my feelings for the first time, instead of the "shoulds" and what I think he wants, and it's definitely hard. But hopefully it will be worth it in the end?

Hi Evaporate:<P>Yours is certainly an unusual story in many ways. I too am engaged. I very much hope that you find the peace you are looking for, as well as a relationship that rewards you and your partner. I want to say one thing bluntly, and it is not meant to discourage you. People are not items in a fridge.<BR>At some point, your choice to include one, two, three or more men in your life will hurt you and these people badly. If you are dating, living alone and working on your own goals (and being honest with the men you date about your agenda NOT not commit), then you have every right to see a variety of people, and expand yourself. However, when you present yourself as being monogamous to a man, and are not prepared to weather the pain, growth, sacrifice (and rewards ) that go along with that without an A, you can hurt someone badly. I have had a number of years where I enjoyed a single lifestyle. I believe that my fiance is the right person for me on many levels...and I am here working through a series of lies (I think) I have been told. (These things don't always resolve easily).<BR>Stop looking for "that feeling" right away, like fast food. Because infatuation always dies. Build a bond, with patience and love and (I'm only starting to see) what happens when it takes root.<P>Best of luck<P>Robyn<p>[This message has been edited by Robyn's Clues (edited June 22, 2001).]