Hi,<P>It so hard for me to accept that my H will probably become the FOURTH husband of this ow who has 2 dwi convictions.<BR>He has two dwi arrests but he wasn't convicted because in the first one, the blood wasn't drawn until 6-8 hours later, and in the 2nd one, the state trooper witness didn't show up to testify. <P>He filed for a d. in 6/00, 6 months after the accident they had in his truck--both were drunk--then he abandons our household two times in 3/00. He stopped two d. hearings.<P>In 8/00, I filed for child support, and he defied the judgement. In 2/01, he was told he must furnish employer or lose his driver's license. He fessed up and the garnishment began. And within days, he filed and the hearing was set for April, continued to June 15.<P>So, yes, last Friday, I had my chance to tell the truth which stands the test of time--and lies are eventually exposed.<P>It was very, very difficult to hear about the ow. I did mangage to say I do not want my children's best interest compromised by being in her company because she has two dwi convictions.<P>The d. isn't final yet. This was a hearing for child support, spousal support, visiation, and custody.<P>Anyone here think I should make any effort to test the waters to see if he is open to talking to me--about anything--or should I just leave it be and see if he makes any moves.<P>He sat in that courtroom, and he saw me for six hours. I looked very nice, and I was cool and composed. I did cry a few times when I talked how this has affected our children. He was very uncomfortable and uncomposed. That is why I believe that alcohol is a major factor in this equation.<P>Perhaps, on second thought, it would be more prudent for me to just sit back ,and knowing that I can't stop the d., <BR>just let him continue on his path of destruction. <P>I have read over and over that affairs eventually die a natural death--average of 2 years. This one is at 1 and 1/2 years now--and with him pursuing a d., it appears that the chances of marrying are high--so he would be marrying the ow who has been married 3x and d. 3x. What a winner he would get!! At some point, that combination would blow up because her annoyances would outnumber and outweigh what she provides which is not much. <P>With my luck, this affair will evolve into the marriage.<BR>I don't believe that it will last--I am just so sad that her "leeching" brought on this d. She pushed him to it. <BR>She has no one and her family in tx do not want her.<P>She even has a daughter (13) who she brought here to live in the apartment and he tells me the lives with her mother.<BR>And where does he live--in the closet?<P>Thanks for letting me vent; I am so emotionally and physically devastated at this point that all I can say is <BR>whatever....<P>So what if he has dropped financial and emotional and physical devastation on us...he has no shame, guilt, remorse, or pain....me and my 3 children are in his path of destruciton which I can see coming to end soon...<P>thanks, elo

elo,<P>As one who has had an alcoholic family member, I do understand certain things about your situation. Yes, it is very emotionally destructive. You must protect yourself or you can be drug down along with the alcoholic without ever having a drink.<BR>If you have not gone to Plan B, I would recommend it. Some alcoholics have to bottom out before they ever decided to do something about their life. You have to preserve some quality of life for you and your children. It's up to you and only you at this point. You can not live with him this way. He will not listen until he is ready. Save your breath for when he is ready. <BR>By doing Plan B, you are removing yourself and your children from his path of destruction. Not only is he in the fog of the A, but he is blind from his addiciton. If he can get clear from the alcohol, I am sure that he will see the OW for what she is. Many times, affiars and addiction go hand in hand. She supports him in his drinking. You do not condone this kind of behavior. There is a certain amount of pull towards her for this reason.<P>Please, do yourself a favor and put some distance (emotional) between the two of you until he straightens up. Instruct your children to call you if their dad wants them to get in the car with him after they see him drinking.<P>I hope you get some relief soon.<BR>take care,<BR>cleo<BR>

{{{{{Elo}}}}}<P>Honey, you're doing the right thing. As painful as life is for you and your kids, it will get better, it will be good. My husband and I are divorcing because of alcohol, too. Take away the layers of bullhockey, lies, deceits, ruses, denials, deflections, and defenses, all you have is the bottle. I'm going to take a stab here and say, you weren't meeting your husband's drinking needs, and those needs are vast in order to maintain the merry-go-round of manipulations. He needs a codependent to stay in Fantasyland and not knock his tavern, hence the DWI bimbo. <P>I don't think you really want that job any more. You're tired of all the crap. You want a life. You want out of emotional prison. You're tired of the isolation. Sweetie, if it was going to get better, it would have been by now. He is not ready to take an honest moral inventory, because he does not want to look at himself. I'll bet you tried everything you could to help him and save your marriage. You did MORE than your share of emotional work to sustain the homefront.<P>As far as "testing the waters" and seeing if he'll talk to you, my gut reaction is no. You have him where you want him right now. I would not approach him, call him, or write to him. If he approaches you, only answer direct questions that pertain to the proceedings at hand, and then with as few words as possible. This is now a business relationship. Don't allow him to mix the children into a discussion about other matters--theirs is a completely separate discourse. I'll bet you ten bucks he knows he can push your buttons through the kids. I know you're in a weakened, labile emotional state, so I think you should try to not set yourself up for more character erosion. Do like you did in court--look good, hair, makeup, appropriate emotions--and look confident even if you don't feel like it. He's already taken your self-esteem, don't give him your pain. He doesn't deserve it.<P>You're right that he has little if any emotional qualities. Alcoholics know just a couple of feelings--sorta glad and pissed off. Everything else is numb and tamped down to their bowels. He won't learn anything else until he lays the booze down and recovers, and he has himself convinced that he's not the problem, you are. But, you're not gonna buy that crap because you have values, morals, and responsibilities. <P>You're gonna show your kids the RIGHT way to bring yourself up out of a dark emotional abyss where not even light can enter. You're gonna show your kids (especially your sons) the virtues in sobriety because they themselves are at risk of alcoholism. You're gonna show your kids the love in detaching yourself from a destructive influence so they can avoid codependency. You're gonna show your kids that they still need to love their father, that he will always be their father, and that their father is sick from alcoholism. Elo, you are going to be what you want your kids to be, because right now, you're the most important person in their lives.<P>'Nuff said for now. Didn't mean to run away with the keyboard. I'm in the same boat as you, pushing 2 years of trying and trying to salve, save, and salvage my marriage to an alcoholic. Let this man go; you've suffered long enough, as have I. Some alcoholic relationships weather their storms and become fully functional. Mine's not one of them. I'm heartbroken at being discarded like trash for a new drinkin' buddy, but I can do the "I Will Survive" thing. I will be better than OK, because I have to be for my kid. My husband crossed my boundary; now there will be some consequences. It's the most loving thing I can do for him right now. And for me.<P>Blessings to you and your kids,<BR>Nell XO

elo, I too am married to an alcoholic/addict who traded me in for a drinking (and drugging) buddy. I understand the urge to talk to him, but I agree with Nell that it is not a good idea. He will only push your buttons. Alcoholics expects us to trust their words and ignore their actions but they don't listen to our words, they judge us by our actions. Their goal is control. So even if we say No, if we're engaging with them in any way, they think they've still got control. At least this is my experience with my H.<P>My H started drinking again 18 months ago after almost 10 years of sobriety. I've been through this with him before, minus the affair, which makes it way more emotionally devastating. But I think the important thing to remember is that the issue is the alcohol. The affair is secondary. Without sobriety no amount of plan A or counseling can save your relationship. I'm sure you've tried everything, just as I have. Even Steve Harley told me to file for divorce!<P>Hang in there. We'll all make it through this somehow...

Hello, Cleo,Nell, Letustry,<BR>Thanks for replys.<P>For the last two nights, I have spend endless hours on the web reading about alcoholism. I become more frustrated by the second. Why? <P>When I had to go to court last Friday for a d. hearing that my husband moved on, I found out how difficult it is too introduce even an accident report and a dwi citation into evidence IF THEY WERE NOT CONVICTED OF A DWI.<P>And, even more upsetting, was how difficult it was to enter as evidence,the dwi convictions record of the ow.<P>I am very angry at the system. My husband would have to have a dwi conviction before the court would seriously consider "supervised visitation". <P>My husband, as i could see, felt like he had "won" when his attorney attempted to quash any mention of his drinking and driving arrests. It was discussed and brought out; but his attorney was determined to minimize how much was said about it. In my opinion, that is how the best interests of innocent children like ours will be compromised. <P>My only hope was that the Judge was really paying close attention at the time of the discussion of his drinking and driving. <P>I am very, very frustrated now. <P>Thanks for your long answers. I printed them out, will read them closely and reply directly to you in a post.<P>Thinking of all of you and thanks for sharing with me.<P>As much as it pains and devastates me and my children at the loss and absence of father and husband, the person whom I saw in court yesterday is a stranger who would prefer to drink with his "dwi bimbo" as one of you said, that to be home with his family and wife.<P>He is not the person we would want anyway. My concern is<BR>if he drinks before seeing them and if they are in the company of that ow. I specifically asked that they not be because of what we were able to at least mention about my H and ow drinking/driving history.<P>I have been in touch with MADD. I am becoming much more concerned by the minute since he is still with this ow<BR>and she drinks-I know they drink together.<P>I be back tomorrow. Thanks for feedback about your situations and spouses and alcohol. <P>elo