OK, some of you may remember my story, but I'll cut to the chase here.<P>Basically, I'm in Plan B, but have in fact ended it with my WS (fiance). She's with the OM, now. We are both in the process of finding new places to live. Indications are that she realizes that the relationship with the OM isn't going anywhere, but she has a fear of being alone (isn't moving in with him, says she doesn't see him as a future husband...)<P>My plan is that I am moving on with my life, maybe a new relationship with her wouldn't work, but I'm not closing the door entirely..... yet. If she came to me tomorrow and wanted to reconcile, both of us would have to do a lot of soul searching to see if it could work.<P>She's quite friendly with me now, and I know the 'resentment' that she felt for me that made her affair all the more easier, has vanished. On one hand, I wonder if she is manipulating me,... trying to keep things between us on good terms to have something to fall back on. But on the other hand, perhaps her 'fog' is lifting?<P>She has made comments about us being together sometime in the future but feels that I wouldn't take her back. More manipulation? Is she telling herself this to justify staying with the OM?<P>Nonetheless, she's coming over in the next few days to talk about things, at my request. Basically, I want to send the message that the option to reconcile *might* be there, without telling her that I am waiting for her, which I'm not. Any subtle suggestions about how to do this? Any comments at all on the above situation?<P>Also, are there any typical indicators that the 'fog' is lifting?

Redon,<P>I wouldn't mention options at all. You are still hurt and confused. Perhaps during your talk you should finish things up by apologizing for whatever you did that made her feel like going to OM. However, that was her choice.<P>Personally, I would tidy up the loose ends. Make any apologies necessary and plan to move on. There is no door to leave open Redon. The relationship is over. I realize this is hard because you two were together for quite a few years. But it is over.<P>It is possible that over time the two of you might begin another relationship, but you will have to deal with that later. Personally, I wouldn't even consider restarting something with her until you have done some dating on your own and learned how to live on your own. Then maybe if she hasn't met someone else and the pain of what happened has faded and you healed, only then could a new relationship begin.<P>In a way she made a terrible mistake, BUT in a way she did not. She obviously had doubts about your upcoming marriage and she found a very effective way to end the engagement. It wasn't honest, it wasn't right, and certainly it was cruel beyond belief, BUT she had her reasons and there is no evidence that those reasons within her have been resolved.<P>So talk, tidy up the loose ends, do all of the necessary, polite and honest things, but don't talk about doors and whether they are ajar, closed, locked, or open. The door, the house, and the fencing have all been blown up. <P>You would need to rebuild from the ground up and you need to heal from the explosion before you can.<P>Those are my thoughts.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Redon,<P>Since you have not 'officially' entered wedlock and all the binding of legalities, children, etc., you have a better chance and opporunity if you both start all over again. This time you will go into any relationship with your eyes wide open. <P>Even if you choose to have a relationship with the WS in the future, start fresh, date her as in the beginning. Start as friends. See where that goes. <P>I believe many of us married folks here wish we could do that. Some of us are trying, but it is harder due to preceeding conditions. <P>I am hoping the best for you. Let her know that you need to retain your respect and dignity. Forgiveness is possible but only if it is sincere. <P>Take Care,<BR>L. <BR>