<P>What is the member's and MB's opinions about another person's rights to privacy and snooping? Are we allowed to go thru our spouses things/desks/drawers/emails/journals/diaries/handbags/pockets/etc whenever we so choose without their knowledge? <P>If a person does snoop thru their spouse's "private" spaces and turns something up that would infer infidelity (or continuing infidelity) - How does one then confront the other spouse with this information without doing major LB'ing or without putting the other on the spot, leaving them with no choice but defensiveness and/or anger? I have been thinking about this a lot, as it pertains to my situation. Having found certain items that would infer an A either recently past or presently, I can't exactly say... "Honey, while rummaging thru all your personal things that you think I would never go thru and had no other reason to go thru other than to try to find something on you, I came up with these items that are VERY questionable, but don't exactly PROVE anything....... would you like to explain them to me?"<P>Firstly, since they only "infer" guilt of an A, there is obviously an open door for dishonesty in the explanation. Secondly, how would I begin to explain why I was on a dig thru all his stuff? (When I would have a coronary if my stuff was gone thru!!!!! Major LB for me.. lack of privacy!)<P>Certainly this has created a real problem for me (we are in recovery) as it has me constantly wondering, makes me unable to enjoy affection, throws the switch to OFF regarding intimacy. And overall is a huge LB that is shutting off the roads to full recovery. On the other hand, if I even brought it up, there would be too much room for excape without true "proof". <P>I have asked my counselor about this, who has said basically, does it really matter? Does it affect the success of your marriage working? Look at the future, not the past. Just work on the marriage. Resume sex. But.. IT DOES MATTER TO ME! Is this wrong to want to know the truth?<P>I have asked for advice from a friend that has advised not to say anything because if I did, all the "evidence" and any future evidence would disappear... that I should just wait and watch for something that I can definitely finger him with.<P>What are the opinions of others? Does it matter or not? Approach or not approach? Leave it as past baggage or bring it up? <P>

Dear Waiting,<P>Snooping is a sticky question. I'm getting quite good at it myself. That is how I found out (for sure) about my husband's relationship with someone else. I looked through everything for answers that I knew had to be somewhere. After I found out, I even put a program on the computer that would let me monitor all computer activity. My counselor said that while he would normally discourage this, in my case it might be justified because of the long term nature of the affair. <P>I'm with your friend in saying you can't jump to conclusions on what you find. Is there another reason you still feel you can't trust your husband? Maybe there are bigger issues to be dealt with.<P>I know a lot of people will disagree with me about this. But after being lied to for so long, I'm not likely to take his word for a whole lot right now.

Of course it matters... get a new counselor. IMHO of course.<P>As you stated, the problem with the info you have is that it is not conclusive. Until you have conclusive evidence I would not say anything. What is your H doing to prove to you that he is not continuing cheating? Sounds like not much. There are practical things he can do and it is important that he does it. <P>Have you read the material and books by Dr. Harley and his feelings about "privacy" and secrecy in a marriage? There is no room for this. My H can go through anything of mine when ever he wants to. What's there to hide? I tell him everything any way. He was only able to have his affairs because he was able to have a secret life.. too much privacy. We both now subscribe to the open honesty physolophy. I go through his stuff all time time. I tell him I do. Why do I do this.. because after his affairs he has to prove to me that he is trust worthy. We have monitoring software on our computers. The way we deal with it is that we agreed that both of us would be totally open with the other. YOu know the BS is always worried about being able to build trust again. But one of the issues in many marriages is that the WS does not trust the BS. That's one of the road blocks to open communication. So honesty and opennes has to be a two way street.<P>I for one will never again subscribe the to the popular myth that each spouse should have their own "private" life. Everything in my life is open to my H. I find that the times I have had feelings of wanting something to be private, it's been a bing warning sign that I am up to something no good... lol <P>Z<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

I'm with zorweb here.<P>Having endured several times of my WS lying to me about her continuing the affair with OM, I'm with the MB's here that one needs to have a policy of complee honesty and openness.<P>Sure, wait until you have something conclusive before you confront - you'll be surprised how convincingly your spouse will be able to lie to you if your fears are true. Maybe it's best to assume the worse and begin to interact with your spouse now as if he is having an affair and begin plan A, counseling, etc.<P>There should be no reason for two loving compassionate people should require secrets being kept - at least IMHO.<P>Best wishes!

ditto zorweb - get a new counselor.<P>IMHO snooping is fair game. Anytime lying and deception is the norm by your spouse, snooping is just a way to find out the truth - you've been left with no other option.<P>That said, what to do with your evidence is a different question. Of course it'll make your spouse angry if you reveal it - they've been exposed again! When they're angry their first act will be to do a better job of hiding the evidence. So, it may be a better strategy to store up the evidence until you can make a definitive conclusion.<P>WAT

<P>IMHO snooping is fair game. Anytime lying and deception is the norm by your spouse, snooping is just a way to find out the truth - you've been left with no other option.>>><P>I totally agree! When you are married and you choose to start secretly boinking someone else you for forfeit your "right to privacy". The only times my H got mad when he found out I was snooping was when he had something to hide. After the A was over he was very understanding and felt that I had every right to snoop.<BR>