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<BR>Hello all<BR>well firstly let me assure you that no news is not good news, I have not been posting much lately because I have not had the nerve, there is so much wrong in my life that I would not know where to start.<BR>My husband is behaving badly again dissapearing all the time again, for entire week ends, nights, days I am sure you get the picture but the best part is the "stories" he comes up with as to his where abouts you would have to be stupid and I mean really stupid to believe them I did check a few out and of course they did not check out I don't see the point of carrying on with this nonsense. I can't afford to move out and he won't leave (why should he he has his bread buttered on both sides) I have recieved calls from women looking for him that he according to them has spent time with, they always seem to clam up once I mention the fact that I am his wife and could I perhaps help them with anything I think this is very suspect but when I confront him he denies knowing any one by that name etc etc(he is on vacation now at home alone so he pretty much does as he pleases) I feel like he is having a ball and I am left with all the responsability and work and I am tiered of that, so last night when he got home (8.00pm then went out again and came in at 3.30am this morning) I asked him if he intended changing or if this was going to go on forever? He said he is happy with the way things are so yes he would continue doing as he wanted to, he is so selfish and hurtful he promises me things and then never delivers or makes good on his promises like the " I will not drink any more thing" it makes him irresponsable and not come home this promise was made on saterday after he never came home friday night he came home saterday 2.20 pm guess what he was out drinking the whole day yesterday and then went back for more until 3.30 am this morning why should I beleive him???? would any one here???? <P>I feel so hurt and mistreated he let me come home(after his affair) with false promises I know I should have know better BUT I came home anyway (giving him the benefit of the doubt one more time) and now I feel like the biggest fool out. I have decided and told him that I will not sit home anymore that our children have 2 parents and that as of tonight I will be getting a life back for myself I will not move out and suffer because of him he can keep me in the style that I am accustomed to at least all the bills get paid with two incomes and the kids have both parents under the same roof, but I intend on going out and having some fun of my own I am tierd of all the responsability let him have it a few nights a week I have a date tonight with a very old friend (male ex boyfriend from school days) we have not seen each other in years we will go for coffee and perhaps a movie I am not sure right now, but I am sure that I am through with being his scape goat.<BR>The kids are fine i wonder sometimes how all of this affects them faters commings and goings and the oldest willnot talk to me because I am going out tonight but thats tuff I have been there every day every step of the way for the last 5 years where was he (doing more important things, things far more important than his family !!!!!) well I don't mean to sound hard on the kids but I am full to overflowing and I have to get out or go insane I think I may be half way there already by now.<P>Thank you for listening I know this is long but cl asked for it and I suppose I have to get it out of my system so sorry folks but thank you all for being here for me.<BR>Hugs to all<BR>Jenny<BR>I hope the date is eventfull and that I won't regret it.<P>------------------<BR>Where have all the cowboys gone ?<BR>Paula Cole<P><BR>
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Hi <BR>moving this to the top so that I can get some feed back (time difference you are all getting up now and here its 16.30pm I suppose I am a day ahead of you all) I am going on my date now wish me luck thanks again ![[Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]](http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/wink.gif) <P>Jenny<BR>South Africa<BR><P>------------------<BR>Where have all the cowboys gone ?<BR>Paula Cole<P><BR>
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Jenny:<P>Your going out with a boyfriend on a date is not a good idea. I would think that obvious, but I'll state it anyway.<P>If you don't want your marriage anymore, I'd suggest that you divorce first, and then date. If you do want your marriage, I'd suggest that you separate from him with no contact, and have very specific guidelines for reconciliation.<P>But as for starting a "separate" life, dating??? Not a good idea. How do you think your having an affair (should it get to that point) will affect your children? Don't put yourself in that position.
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Hi K<P>I think you have misunderstood me, it was not a romantic "date" at all just 2 old friends getting together for some coffee, and coffee and talk was all that happened I left the coffe shop alone at 7.00 pm there after I went to see another couple (a friend that I worked with 6 years ago) I have not seen them in years we had a lovely time and caught up on all the news it was great.<P>I meant that I won't sit alone at home any more, that I have friends and that I will start seeing them again (they no longer have any contact with me due to H attitude etc.) and having a life as such, not that I was going out to get a boyfriend or have an affair. Sorry if the post was unclear on that but I think I have clarified it now.<P>He (H) has a good life the best of both worlds so to speak ( all the comforts of a marriage and the playing around until all hours of the day/night of a single guy), why can't I see some of my old friends, seeing as how he is never home anymore anyway should I sit at home doing everything alone for another 5 years or should I start to enyoy my life too (put a little joy into my living)? I have no intention of having an affair I know the pain that, brings to all concerned. <P>As for seperating I don't have the money for that and he will not move out of the house (its his moms house) so I am in a catch 22 I love this man and have put up with more than you all know, but I feel that enough is enough he has used and abused me for long enough. I want my marriage to work but I can't do that on my own (I need his help and co operation witch he will not give to me) I am all tried out, I need to do this for my own piece of mind, because my love for him is slowly killing me.<P>Thank you for listening<BR>Jenny<P>------------------<BR>Where have all the cowboys gone ?<BR>Paula Cole<P><BR>
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Jenny,<P>I understand that you're not planning an affair. But most people don't plan them. They just happen.<P>Here are the ingredients:<P>1. Unhappy in marriage<P>2. Emotionally withdrawing from marriage<P>3. Discussion of marital problems with members of the opposite sex.<P>Jenny; you've already got 1 & 2 in the pot, and you're starting to go out with male friends. You're putting yourself at risk. If you want my advice, I would tell you to only go out with girlfriends (or magically make your marriage better). And I would suggest a separation---couldn't you stay with family or friends for a while??<P>I know you're not looking for trouble, but when you're in an unhappy marriage, trouble seems to find you. I'd encourage you to hide from it as much as possible---and that means male friends shoud be pretty much off-limits.
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hi jenny!! <BR>I will have to read this and write back tomorrow. Been gone a couple days and just walked in the house. <BR>THANK YOU!!!!!!!!! cl
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Morning jenny,<BR>This is not at all good news is it. What the heck is wrong with that man? <BR>Are you still having sex with him? Be careful...this sounds dangerous to me. You need to protect yourself and your kids. <BR>K is right, no dating at this time. But if the male is your friend and you have faith in your ability, know your limits, then having a friend at this point might be good. I know K will get me for that! And I understand his points, which are valid. But I hope that his outlining this so clearly makes you keep things right in your head. You do not want to deal with anything else right now! <BR>Jen, don't feel like a fool for going back. You had no way of knowing where his head was, or what his next step would be. He did not even know-so how would this be expected of you? Give yourself a break here. YOu did what was right at the time and he is screwing up again.<BR>How do you feel about plan b? <BR>I cannot even begin to understand the worry you must experience with him just coming and going at all hrs! Your political situation is too unstable and you must be so concerned all the time. Is the next call from one of the sluts, or is it the morgue? This is not at all acceptable. He needs to be accountable to his family! Or you need to go into plan b until he sees the light? <BR>Jenny, I know you have the strength to continue forward to create the type of life you want and deserve. You are a great mom and a great person and deserve some respect from this h who is acting so strange right now.<BR>Where is cossie? We could use your kind gentle guidance here!!
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Hi k and cl<P>Thank you both for your input, yes cl I do trust myself with my friend we have known one another a long time and have always been there for each other when trouble is around e.g. he lost his mom recently and called me just to chat and try to come to terms with it, you know how a long term friendship is you get to know one another very well. Anyway I have not seen him since we had coffee and don't intend seeing him as a regular kind of date thing we were just catching up on news etc. Sorry I am replying so late but I was not at work on friday, not feeling too good I am sure you understand. Well at least this week end was normal in our house its always a relief when things are good and this week end for a change they were. ![[Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]](http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/smile.gif) <P>As for plan B and moving out I just can't afford to I don't earn the kind of money that would be needed to support myself and the children etc, just not possible, I can't stay with a friend as I don't have any left anymore due to the situation at home and all my family besides my mom are in England. My mom stays too far away for me to be able to stay there I would be traveling 150 km per day and I can't do that, the kids would be spending all their time in the car, so this is where I am right now and I suppose this is where I will have to stay, for now anyway.<BR>Thank you again for your input.<P>Jenny<P>------------------<BR>Where have all the cowboys gone ?<BR>Paula Cole<P><BR>
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HI jenny,<BR>sorry that i could not get here to respond while you could be online. We will be playing tag here for a couple days before we catch each other.<BR>I am so very sad to read your post. Not only the first part, but the second one that describes your predicament. What a situation you have on your hands. <BR>You gave him the benefit, forgave him after the last affair, and he is still taking advantage of you. Is he one of those people that mistakes kindness for weakness? Seems just so. Bad idea for him.....<BR>You are not at all weak and should not blame yourself for trying again. There is a difference in trying and being used or stupid!! You have given 100% in trying to heal the marriage, while he is still taking all he can.<BR>I have no idea how to deal with a spouse as yours. He is really lost. Maybe one of the more knowledgeable guys here can help? Send an sos to cossie! I believe he may be able to help you understand your h better.<BR>In the mean time, I think that you seeing friends and maintaining a reasonably happy household for the kids is wonderful. You can really only change yourself and your own perceptions of things. Try to do things for you and the kids. Nice evenings at the park, biking together, outings for an ice cream, etc. <BR>Please be very careful with sex and your h at this time. I am not saying he is having other relations, but he sure does not get my vote of confidence right now. Protect yourself and your kids. They need their mom-the only stable loving person they really have right now. <BR>Jenny I will keep sending good karma your way and hope things will change soon for you. I am sure you must get quite frustrated and worried, but try to keep the focus positive on you and the kids.
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Jenny,<BR>I've had my own share of troubles and a really lengthy relationship with Plan A. However, we've just crossed the bridge ....my husband is actively participating towards achieving marital happiness. (I've been doing for him....and he's been passively accepting them) (he was the betrayer...unhappiness since kids and not enough focus on him)<P>He too, started living the live of a separated man, enjoying the benefits of a well run house, call whenever you want, say whatever you want, act however you want, kids taken care of and a wife who asked no questions...fearing the consequences of his words.<P>Although it appears you have no choices, please consider all options. Staying where you are doesn't really seem like an option either. One-sided Love can really only last so long until resentment wins ya over.<P>Some things that began to help me move forward were setting some parameters and some ground rules when he left the house. After just a few nearly all nighters, I told him that I just couldn't live like that. It's unfair and I feel taken advantage of. If I'm going to be the one who ALWAYS stays home and takes care of the kids, the home and all the other...than he can at least be courteous. <P>With the nicest of voices...I told him what I expected......when he should call to check on us and us on him, how frequent, he had to call, that he had to keep the cell phone on... By this time, I was reminding him that we was a husband, a father and that he was accountable to his family and to me. Just as I was to him. As I look back...these were just baby steps ....helping him become responsible for & to us again.<P>I truly believe if I'd continued to say nothing....he would have continued to act without consequences. No-one should be a doormat. <P>I finally told him that i was thinking of leaving him. Grabbing the kids and moving away from him. He was shocked. How could I displace the kids and take them from their home, their toys??? My thoughtful response was that this home had become a house....and I would move them somewhere...where I could make a home for them again. I told him that it was my job to protect myself AND MY CHILDREN. This kind of life is harming them (and me) and it's time I focus on them instead of something that REFUSES TO MOVE FORWARD. <P> I also followed up with I love you dearly, I want a wonderful life with you and I'm willing to work damn hard to get it but if you refuse to or can't bring yourself to move forward with us, than we will have to leave you. (that was him...the guy on the fence). <P>Was he just ready ?? don't know. All I know is that I'd had enough of him living the "single(self-centered) life" because honestly, I was close approaching the point of not only - "not being in love with him....but not loving or caring for him at all". I also told him that this was NOT an ultimatum, I wasn't leaving, but that I'd been thinking about it and that I was giving it careful consideration. He knew I meant business...I spoke about an apartment, what city, what little changes the kids would have in their life.....etc. <BR> <BR>Please consider your REAL options and I wish you the best !<P>-Tina <P><P>------------------<BR>
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hi tina, so nice to have you back with us!! How long did it take for H to take you seriously? And did he slip up? If so, how did you handle the slips? <BR>Bringing this to the top so jenny and others will see it.
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Hello Again, Cl, (and Jenny too)<BR>I walked in on a conversation between my husband and his "whatever she was" in January of this year. <P>Initially, he was sorry and didn't want me to make more out of it than was really there. Almost immediately, he began telling me he wanted to be with other women and wanted to separate. I told him from the get-go that if he left...his family would be no more. He stayed ....but little by little he distanced himself from me. Yeah, we had pockets of ok/happiness, glimmers of our older days....<P>but, honestly, he became quieter and quieter and more and more remote. He became a really mean person to me (today he calls it cruel), he began going out and lying about where he was going (and with whom), getting a cell phone and having the bill sent to his office, discreet phone calls, hiding the paychecks, the bonus checks, only talked to me when I asked him a question.....and even then....simply mumbled, didn't look at me, never talked about we and was not very affectionate in front of others.<P>What did I do, I kept pretty much on the Plan A target. Didn't do alot of questioning, smiled, kept the family together, VENTED ALOT TO FRIENDS AND FAMILY, tried to spark some interest in him both physically and emotionally, planned many things that included the family and tried to patiently wait. All our conversations were superficial and there was no real communication between us. <P><BR>What started with ideas of a fling .... resulted in major depression and mid-life issues (early for him 36 yrs) and a spiral downward to a point he actually admitted to seriously disliking himself.<P>About 2 months ago we had a really good conversation (by this time, I'd already found the hidden condoms, traces of hidden bucks and more...so thankfully, I wasn't too shocked to hear some of the details )about things we wish we'd have done as individuals but hadn't done....but now realized that we couldn't do them without destroying everything that we worked so hard to build. <P>Our pattern was developing....good conversation...2 steps forward then clam up and go 1 step backward & silence.<P>About 1 month ago, while waiting for a guy friend at a really nice bar/restaraunt, he hooked up with a couple of older ladies. They invited him out on several occassions and he began a god-awful pattern of staying out really late without calling or anything. Finally, I had it with the secretive behaviors. By now, he was being physically faithful but looking for friendships to fill the void he wouldn't let me fill. This takes ya to the accountability section of the earlier post. Little by little, I started putting some parameters back up regarding what I'd accept and what I wouldn't accept. Little did I know....these older ladies, when finally hearing the woeful tale of my husband...told him that the person he was most angry with was himself and to get home and make this family work again. Turn the house into a home again.<P>Yeah, he was tired of the yucky life (Harley called it in his book - it won't go on forever) By now, he was hearing from everyone that he was an idiot and that not only was he half of the problem initially, but he was now the ENTIRE PROBLEM. <P>So...what do I think helped ? time, showing lots of love and care, allowing him SOME SPACE, kids, him finally allowing himself to LISTEN to perspectives outside of his own and a bit of old fashioned maturing.<P>ps. I lost hope many times throughout this mess but I always picked up the phone, got on email, took someone to lunch....turned someone's ear or whatever. I was careful to do this with safe people, female (except for DMAC,thanks)or married folks who had experienced their own difficult times. I used anti-d's for a very short time and gained and lost more than 50 lbs. I wouldn't let myself believe this was going to be THE END FOR US ! I think it also helps that my husbands' real priorities were always me, the kids and us as a family.....he (and I) just got a long way lost along the way !<BR> <BR>Hope this helps !<BR>-Tina<P>
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Hi cl and Tina<P>Nice to hear from you both cl I think you have a better understanding of my problem, not to discount anything you have said Tina but I have done all you have done to no avail I have tried ignoring it, agreeing with it, fighting fire with fire, I too went through a time where I was to scared to say anything for fear of setting him off again, then I too decided enough is enough and told him that if this did not stop I would leave (at this time I had no idea of his affair) it did not stop and I left, after a few weeks apart he was begging for me to come home with the kids I set some perameters e.g. no more single life, no more going out with out me, switching off the cell phone, no more contact with o.w. (I had since found out about her too) etc I am sure you both get the picture. Well things went well for two months and then went down hill very fast until we are right back to where we started when I moved out from home, I just don't know how to handle this anymore. It is slowly killing me inside until I don't want to feel anything anymore, like you Tina there are good times inbetween when I allow myself to believe that it will work, but then he always manages to knock me off my feet again and to be honest I don't know how many times I will have the strength to get up again. I can say though that he did not like my going out the other night with my friend I told him that I was going and with whom no sneaking around and lieing for me thank you very much besides I have nothing to hide, and when I got home I was asked alll kinds of questions and later on during the week- end he admitted that he was very jealous and that he did not like sitting at home with the kids wondering what I was doing not one little bit it was 4 hours of hell for him ! Ahh a little reality check for him (some of his own medisine, and he does not like it he wants to dish it out but does not like to be on the recieving end al all) I responded that now he knows exactly how I feel every time he does the same (with the difference that I don't have a clue where he is or with whom he is wich is worse in my opinion) , and if he does not like it he had better buck up his ideas or else I would be going out more often too. <BR>Well enough of my sad tale cl how goes it with you my friend all well I hope.<BR>Tina nice to hear from you I don't think we have "talked" before thank you for caring enough to tell me your story it is comforting to know that I am not alone in this sh..ty thing.<P>I have to close off now time to work again keep well everyone, and good luck to all.<P>Hugs<BR>Jenny<P>------------------<BR>Where have all the cowboys gone ?<BR>Paula Cole<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by jendan69 (edited November 16, 1999).]
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