Hi There,<P>After almost 5 months of trying to recover from my W'a A with a "friend" of mine, I find myself truly wanting to rebuild my marriage and now that she is wanting the same I am doubting that the trust and respect for her will ever come back. The problem is, on Feb 6th I caught them and she said that she was finished with him that day. Believe it or not, I trusted her that she was being truthful. I found out May 31st that this was not at all the case. She now, she says, has ended it and judging by how he has suddenly returned to his W, this may be true, but I can't seem to shake the lack of trust and respect I feel for her. I am very afraid that this is going to lead to me leaving her because I cannot stay with someone when I'm always worrying about who they're with, what they're doing, etc. Can anyone respond with how they have tackled these hurdles? I have read some of the books talked about on the site, but I'm interested in hearing some other ways that people have gotten through this.<P>Thanks,<BR>Jab

Hi Jab,<P>I've had similar experiences. Briefly, my husband confessed on 9-27-99 and promised it was over. Evidence presented to me on 8-16-00 proved it had started again. After the first time, I was too trusting and expected too little from my husband. After the second time, my trust and respect was completely destroyed and I basically gave up.<P>Trust and respect were gifts that I gave my husband from the beginning. He had done nothing to "earn" my trust and respect when we met, but I had no reason to withhold them either. After he first confessed, I made a concious choice to return that trust and respect to him, at least in my behavior. I behaved as if I trusted and respected him, hoping that those things would return in time. He did nothing to "earn" them back. After the final discovery, he realized that he had lost my trust and respect, and that getting them back would be a long and slow process. He has made some "slips" along the way to earning them back, but has made great progress.<P>He has become more open and honest about EVERYTHING, he has made himself more emotionally and physically available to me, he had made a strong effort to improve his communication skills and to talk to me and answer my questions, even the difficult ones!<P>He is extremely careful to account for his time when away from me. He emails and calls me from work throughout the day, and we spend much of our nonworking time together. In short, he is doing all the "right" things this time.<P>However, no matter how great his efforts, it is useless if I am not receptive. That means that I have to notice and acknowledge his efforts and let him know that it does help me to feel better. The choice I made is to give him the OPPORTUNITY to EARN my trust and respect this time. I'm not giving them to him on a silver platter, but if he proves his sincerity there is a possibility of success!<P>I have been dealing with this for nearly two years now, and there is no quick and easy answers for it. It has been written that it requires a minimum of two years from the time the affair has really ended. Recovery only begins when the betraying spouse completely ends the affair and honestly commits to saving the marriage and repairing the damage. One of the worst things about that is that the betrayed spouse rarely knows when that really happens. From your post (you mentioned May 31st), it seems that your recovery really started less than three weeks ago, if your wife is being sincere this time.<P>It will take quite some time for your trust and respect to begin to return, and any setbacks (contact with the other man, dishonesty, etc.) will erode any progress you have made. I'm sure you've read about the "rollercoaster" and "two steps forward, one step back". That is really how it feels.<P>You and your wife need to develop a real plan to help recover those lost feelings. Steve Harley helped us to do a plan, and it has helped tremendously.<P>Best wishes,<P>Peppermint