This is weird. My H is asleep on the couch right now as I type this.<P>He now claims that he is not with OW, he sees her sometimes but they are not dating at all. He wants to finish things with us first. (I half believe him). He still won't give me his address, says I might SPY on him, but I do have a PO Box finally.<P>He said all last week he was remembering the good times and misses those times, but he doesn't feel he will ever get them back. It can never be the same. I say of course not, but that doesn't mean it can't be good. Life is what you make it, if you want it good - it'll be good. You have to go to a counselor and deal with YOU, figure yourself out!<P>Something is still missing in his life, he thinks it is the closeness with our daughter - not me. But for a while he thought it was me. I told him he felt this way before he moved out, so that's probably not it.<P>He said he is in limboland right now. He won't sign the house over to me because he's not sure what he's doing. He's not changing his address, again cuz' he doesn't know what he's doing. He gave me all the keys to the house finally and said he won't break in anymore.<P>He talked about him getting straightened out and going to counseling, but he is too busy right now. I explained to him about no contact and why I need it to get over him, he agreed finally. However, I have the caveat in there that I will be here if he really needs to talk about us. So, while he is in limboland I have no contact, and if he chooses to get out of it and be with us - I am here.<P>His other alternative is to move far away and run off and start a new life. I told him fine, if that's what he wants go do it. We'll be fine - he's the one that's screwing up his own life. He can't run away from his problems.<P>He was also adamant about not being dangerous to me and the kids. I told him he was probably right, but I NEED to be sure. He needs to prove it to me. Everything he's been doing is very scary and hurts me, I don't trust him.<P>I kept telling him, leave, go fix yourself and come back to us. He was really down again today and had extremely low self-esteem and hated himself. Said that wasn't possibly, I told him he can do anything he chooses.<P>It seemed like I got through somewhat. We shall see. I am back in Plan B it seems... Somehow I doubt he can keep up no contact.<P>He made no plans to see the kids - says he will leave a message or something.<P>Hmmm... So I half want to run down to the district court and file right now (or get a restraining order or something), I mean I am in a good position right now. He's totally screwed. What if he's just using me again so that in a couple of months he can say he didn't leave me for OW, that he actually starts seeing the kids and fixes himself up and becomes more favorable in the court's eyes? I worry about being used again. <P>I'm sick of being used. Plus I don't quite believe him about OW. But he says he doesn't quite believe I'm not out to get him either, so we are even. Sigh.<P>Any suggestions before he leaves in 1/2 an hour?

No suggestions here. Seems like you handled it well... except that I think there is a mixed message. You say no contact but then you agree to contact under a vague description of terms. This may cause problem in the future.<P>About his address, where he is living. I think you need to know this. You need to know if he is lying about being with OW. You could hire a PI to follow him home from work. Why is he so afraid that you will spy on him? What is he hiding?<P>It seems that if he will not tell you where he is living then he has something to hide. So what if you spied on him, after you drove by a few times and saw that OW was not there it would get to be a waste of time and you would not do it again. It in my humble opinion that if he will not give you his address then he has something to hide. I would assume that he is living with OW and that is it. Just a thought. And the way I am I would tell him that I was living with that assumption until he could prove otherwise.<P>keep us posted.<P>Z

Sorry to be so pessimistic, but you asked. I think he told you what you wanted to hear, because he is afraid of you taking him to the cleaners. He is not ready to begin anything with you and he proved it by not giving you his address! Which should have been a RED FLAG to you. Why would he be worried about you spying on him, what does he have to hide? Could it be that he is living w/OW? I think you are being set-up for a fall. He has his control back over you and that is what he wanted. JMO

Going to say, been in his shoes. <P>A very scary place. Not sure if the wife is out to get you. You don't trust her either. He's trying to talk. Confusion sets in, he's wants to come home, isn't sure if he has someone to come home to.<P>As I read over your husbands words, a familiar ring came about to me. Said those things to my wife, and myself a lot.<P>Not sure what I was doing. I didn't change my address either. I too was in limboland. I gave my wife the keys to our home as well.<P>I wanted help from someone, but I was also to busy to get help mysteriously.<P>I wanted help so badly at times, and I felt I really had no one to reach out to at points. I wanted some direction, some ideas, some words from someone not involved in the front lines. I couldn't trust a lot of people.<P>I got in contact with a friend whom i've always trusted. Someone I knew wanted the best in life for me. Someone who's always been a positive force in my life, and someone who was easy to talk with. I trusted, respected this person greatly. So I finally got a chance to really talk with them, and explain what was going on. "Read my post / Topic "As promised - My chat logs" This is the chat I had with my friend.<P>Anyway give it a look over, its another perspective to think about.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers, Hugs, and Strength from both of us. Things do and can get better. Keep hoping, learning, and growing. Take care of yourself.<P>[H] and Knewjie<p>[This message has been edited by [H] (edited June 18, 2001).]

Yep for what trying2_4give had to say.<P><BR>hurtbyhubby, i think this is just more of the same acted out a little more calmly. He is testing different demeaners to see which one you will respond to. He is still in control. And you still react the way he wants you to.<P>Be careful. He cannot be trusted until the day he opens his entire life and world to you.<P>Z<BR><p>[This message has been edited by zorweb (edited June 18, 2001).]

Okay. You guys are absolutely going to kill me. Okay cuss me out. I'm waiting.<P>I went to wake my H up from his nap (he had to go pick up his computer at noon). We got to talking. I said sometimes I wish he and I could just run away and start over, and he says "why don't we?" I say, "the kids", and he says "we'll take them with us." And I say "I would love that except the stuff going on with you, you have to decide what you want." He says "well, maybe I'll just choose that then."<P>I know it's not realistic, but it's interesting nonetheless.<P>I say you guys are going to kill me because we ended up having sex. It was alot of fun. He said he was fine afterwards and looked like a zombie though. He is working on like no sleep and I just made him more tired. Plus he was late after our foray so we only cuddled for a minute and then he had to leave. During it he was saying how much he missed "this and that".<P>As he was leaving, he said, I guess our "no contact" starts now, huh? And we kidded around a bit about it.<P>I am glad we are ended on a good note this time. Last time I went to plan B, it was definately bad. This time, at least I gave him food for thought and good things to remember. I don't feel bad about what happened either, I thought I might, but I don't.<P>I guess I am in a combination plan A / plan B. I need to find out for sure if he is with OW. It's weird. I need the security of plan B to get over him if I have to, but now that he seems to be transitioning and coming out of the fog, I feel like I need some plan A to help move things along. Plus if he really isn't with OW, I feel like I should be in plan A, but it's too tough going from plan B to a full plan A.<P>That sounds stupid, huh? Great. Now I don't know what to do. .. I screwed up, huh? Just all the talk about getting back together, the fog lifting, etc. just swept me away I guess...

You know what? The idea of just running away and starting over has a lot of appeal. Might actually work. Like he said all he has to do is make a choice.<P>But that's the killer isn't it? Making the choice.<P>Don't beat yourself up over what happened. Who knows it might make a difference in the end.<P>Z

What I've learned--<P>There are no clear cut answers. There is no clear cut script. Each of us, each of our relationships are different. <P>Listen to yourself...listen to God. Don't act out of emotion.<P>Go slowly. Be gentle. Don't criticize. Just listen. <P>Don't over analyze, Hurt.<P><BR>Cali