Hi there, many of you might remember me from late April. Hadn't told my husband about the two non-sex visits with OM. Well, I hit the brick wall, had a sexual relationship with the OM once and told my husband the next day, EVERYTHING. So, I came clean, and am STRUGGLING to deal with the amazing guilt I have ... it has been about 6 weeks since DDay, and I have been going to therapy every week which is helping I guess. <P>I guess I am in the Withdrawal stage, depressed, want it all just to be FIXED and over, but it isn't ... I regret how many people I told . My parents, who are devastated, etc. So many people wondering if I really loved H how could I do this?? Then I wonder the same thing, even though I know I love my h I wonder if I am still in love with him if I could do this.<P>The hardest part is that I don't feel like I am ready to deal with this FOR my h yet, I feel selfish when I cry and tell him how sorry I am but that I can't take on his pain yet ... does this make sense?<P>How do the WS like me get through the hurt and pain of being so STUPID (getting reeled in like a fish into this mess, going hook-line-and sinker into it) then flopping around after ... looking in the mirror and not really liking the person I see ever anymore. I had a really healthy self esteem and was very happy before all of this happened. How do I get back to that person so I can be the person my H fell in love with???<P>The pain and destruction of what I have done feels like I killed someone. Makes me not want to fight the fight.

Well, one thing that jumps out at me:<P>Dearheart, you are NOT suppose to take on his pain. That is his to feel, just as you have your pain and guilt to feel.<P>You did the right thing by coming clean. You have now evened the "playing field" and your H knows what he's dealing with... a MUST for recovery.<P>It is a struggle -- and I am so sorry for your continued pain. <P>Some questions:<BR>Is your H in counseling with you? Are you working on what drove you to an affair in the first place? Do you have a sense of what that was? <P>Keep coming back and writing here, reading here... you are on the right road.<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>And we know. We who have seen. ~Pellegrino

Thanks Sheryl. We are beginning couple's therapy shortly. (Waiting to get in) ... my H is really supportive and isn't getting upset with me for not doting on him just yet, but I am just buried with pain. My parents' disappointment in me, my disappointment in myself, the hatred/love feelings I still have for OM (when will they go away???) <P>I never thought that it would do what it has done to me and to my husband. Dumb I know, hindsight is 20/20, but my God it is so not worth it. I had a 2 month affair and it will take years to get over this pain I think. Some days are definitely better than others, but I just don't want people to jump on me because I am the WS.<P>I still haven't figured out how/why it happened but I hope that it comes out in Couples Therapy. I am just hurting a lot today. Thanks for answering. -AMM

This is just my opinion, but you do not have to figure this out alone. There were obviously some unmet emotional needs that you had which were not being met in the marriage. I am sorry I do not know your story, but have you read Surviving an Affair and His Needs Her Needs? Those two books are a great place to start. If you and your H could go through this together to determine what needs are not being met (his and yours) you might feel that you have some tools to work with to strengthen your marriage. <P>I know that I read those books and I figured out quickly that there were needs that I was failing to meet that could have help lead to my H's A. As the BS, I feel much better knowing that if I get the chance to show my H, that I can be a much better W and we could have a much better marriage. <P>Good luck and keep trying. Remember that everyone can make bad choices. But what seperates the good people from the bad people is that good people recognize the mistakes and better themselves and bad people do not care.

Thank you. I WILL go and buy those books, because they are so highly spoken about on this site. We want nothing more than to make this work, my h keeps saying "we were happy before this, right" and I think we were, but maybe it isn't all me??? <P>Your last lines mean the most to me, because every day I feel like a terrible person, and I am not. I made a HUGE mistake, told H and am actively getting help. The OM hasn't told his W and won't and HE is a BAD person, not me.and HE has done this before and I haven't and will not. I just hope I can get over the guilt. I will buy those books. thanks!

Another Question, besides reading the books, what has worked for other WS to get past the guilt and pain in order to work toward rebuilding their marriage??? Thanks.

I am dealing with this on a day by day, minute to minute way.<P>You have to forgive yourself for this as well. Look past what damage you've done. Look for the positives in the situation. You can only control your future actions. Not your past mistakes.<P>I often slip back a little bit. Apologize to my wife, say "How could I be so stupid, so hurtful, so uncaring" and so on, and so forth.<P>Look past that. See how you can be caring, how you can be loving, how your mistake can better your marriage. How you can build a stronger marriage from learning from your mistakes.<P>Stop beating yourself up. You can't change the past. You can only change the future. This is difficult, as you want to almost punish yourself for your mistakes. Don't do that, it wont do any good.<P>I have guilt as well, at times. I'm not postive 100% of the day, but I try and focus what energy I have beating myself up about things, working on my marriage for a better future, a better now. Taking steps to show my wife, that I am doing anything I can to be a better man, a man she's always loved. Doing the right things, making the right choices. Showing her how much I love her, how much she means to me.<P>I don't mind showing my wife how much I appreciate her, how much I love her, how deeply I care for her. These are things I want to do just to do. Not because I want her to feel good. I do them because it makes me feel good, and as a result. She feels amazing.<P>- Can't change the past.<BR>- Work on the future.<BR>- One step at a time, always moving towards a goal.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers, Hugs, and Strength from both of us. Things do and can get better. Keep hoping, learning, and growing. Take care of yourself.<P>[H] and Knewjie