Callie- you deserve a thread and replies of your own to your first post- so this is for you. Callie is a newcomer who posted on hurts anniversary thread with this:<P>I am new here and have not done an intro yet, but have been "lurking" off and on for awhile now. I wanted to finally respond now to this topic as my anniversary (#16) is almost here. My H and I are together, working on our marriage after his affair. I found out about it for sure around the end of March, and my emotions and feelings have been up and down ever since. Recently though, I find it hard to feel the same blind love for him that I once did. When I tell him I love him, it does not feel the same way it felt before I knew for sure about the affair. When he tells me he loves me now, it doesn't feel the same either.....I know he loves me, but, it hurts to know that although he may love me, it was not enough of the kind of love I needed and deserved to keep him from doing what he did.<BR>So, now our anniversary approaches, and I find myself unsure of what to do about it. There are no cards that say what I feel. And it feels dishonest to give a card that says, "Happy Anniversary"......what's happy about it now? It's supposed to be a day that we celebrate the vows we made to each other X number of years ago, and those vows were broken.......even if we are going to try to work it out, the past will not change, and the knowledge of that broken promise is in my head and heart forever.......how do I address this day without making a huge deal about it? If I don't do anything, does that give the message that I don't care AT ALL? It just seems so dishonest to pledge my undying love and support to a person who could not keep that same promise to me.......I just don't know what to do or what to say or how to approach this day.......<BR>any ideas that keep me honest to my heart, but that don't hurt him as well? Even though he did not protect me and my feelings, I still feel strongly about protecting his.....I'm not vengeful, nor do I want to "make him pay", but I just don't know what to do.<BR>Thanks for your advice/support. I'll post a formal intro soon.<BR>"Callie"<P>Callie- let me add the first response here. Welcome to Marriage Builders! You have come to the right place for support. Being that you are less than 3 months since D-Day, don't kick yourself too hard for your feelings. They are very normal, and it's ok to have them.<P>One thing to think about. If recovery is going to happen, and you want this marriage, then you need to make up your mind to recommit to your marriage. Even if it's just one day at a time. IE- today I am going to be 100% committed to my husband and family. Sometimes I need to remind myself of my commitment even more often than daily.<P>What you have been through is the most painful thing that you can experience in a marriage- it takes time to heal. Give it time, and every bit of effort you can give it, it is worth it in the long run. Even if it doesn't work out you can rest at night with the knowledge you gave it everything you could.<P>Keep posting here. Posting here has been worth about a million bucks of therapy for me. There is nothing like helping others and getting advice and support from others to help you release and heal your wounds.<P>hugs for you {{{{ Callie}}}}<P>

I didn't want this post to slip away without responding but I'm busy today so this will be short.<P>Calli, an A does change things...trust has been broken and things will never be the same again....but that doesn't mean that they can be just as good....and even better. One thing that helps is to examine the marriage itself and look at what made the wandering partner do what he did...usually there were needs that weren't getting met (on both sides)...and if you're honest with yourself you can see how you could have done better. With this in mind it's easier to look at the A as just a big mistake...an attempt to get needs met that weren't met in the marriage.<P>I know you're hurting right now...but if you want your marriage to survive then you have to make the leap of faith that someday this will all be a thing of the past and you will have come out of this with a strong more fulfilling marriage. Very few of us here can really say that we had the world best marriage...alot of us were just coasting...getting through the days and years...but not really having the kind of marriage that we wanted...whatever the reason. Look at this as a wake-up call...that your marriage was lacking and now you have a chance to fix it.<P>You've come to a wonderful place for support..whatever you decide...we're here for you. Welcome and stay awhile.<P><BR>Faye