I wanted to post something under fidelity but I accidently put it under PRAYER. Anyone who has any kind of help for me please read this Subject: I'M LOSING MY FIRST LOVE, HELP HOW DO I SAVE MY MARRIAGE.<P>My husband says it wasn't anything to do with the woman. He said he's not felt love for me for years (6yrs) He said he's not been happy and has tried several times and he's done trying. We'll I just found out that he felt this way on May 29, 2001. I NEVER knew or felt this anytime before. How could I do anything to make it better or work. Now he's convinced himself that all that's left is divorce. He has no hope or positive feelings about ever feeling any differently. I am just sick. Literaly too. He is becoming more and more distant from me each day. He still has contact with this woman too. He calls all the time. He said she's the only one who makes him see that light. Best counselor he's had. I know he looks at me and doesn't like me because I'm at my ALL time weakest point. I'm sure she is a lot more attractive and has all the right things to say right now. Give me any thing. I know I need a miracle. I pray all the time. No prayers are answered.<P>LOVEMESS<BR>

[[[[[[[[[[[LoveMess]]]]]]]]]]]]<P>You have come to a wonderfully supportive place. I was where you are just a short 8 wks ago. You can search my posts for InShockinCali. I was in the depths of despair; I could see no hope.<P>Those periods will be farther and farther apart, but you have some work to do.<P>#1. Read everything you can on this website.<BR>#2. Get the recommended books, such as 'Surviving an Affair"<BR>#3. Strengthen yourself by making changes FOR YOU. Don't make them for him, or because of A. Make them to help you feel stronger.<BR>#4. Read the posts here and post, post, post. You will be amazed at the support you get. How much stronger you will feel.<BR>Lastly, give all you can to God. He sent you here and He will keep sending you the support and help you need. Trust, have faith and have patience. You are on the rollercoaster ride of your life and it's filled with the highest highs and the lowest lows. <P>TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!<P><P>------------------<BR>Cali<P><I> Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. </I><BR>1 Peter 5:6-7

Have you read my post under PRAYER? The whole story is there. In your situation where are you at now? Is your husband at home do you see any hope that you will get back together or will it be divorce? Do I just give up since he's already made his mind up. Actually I think Mary is "friend" has been telling him it's okay. He tells me he feels love and care from her. How do I compete with that when I am so weak and hurt. I can't give him that. <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by StrongerInCali:<BR><B>[[[[[[[[[[[LoveMess]]]]]]]]]]]]<P>You have come to a wonderfully supportive place. I was where you are just a short 8 wks ago. You can search my posts for InShockinCali. I was in the depths of despair; I could see no hope.<P>Those periods will be farther and farther apart, but you have some work to do.<P>#1. Read everything you can on this website.<BR>#2. Get the recommended books, such as 'Surviving an Affair"<BR>#3. Strengthen yourself by making changes FOR YOU. Don't make them for him, or because of A. Make them to help you feel stronger.<BR>#4. Read the posts here and post, post, post. You will be amazed at the support you get. How much stronger you will feel.<BR>Lastly, give all you can to God. He sent you here and He will keep sending you the support and help you need. Trust, have faith and have patience. You are on the rollercoaster ride of your life and it's filled with the highest highs and the lowest lows. <P>TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

My H is still at home. I am in plan A. I think he is planning to move out. OW is very strong. She has also done this before. She is in her 4th marriage. Do I have hope? I won't give up hope until the ink is dry....<P>But he is going to have to do the work of leaving and of filing for divorce. <P>I just read Dobson's book and it has some very good points. I would also like to recommend The Power of a Praying Wife and all of the Harley's books. <P>Also read posts by [H]. He is a WS who is finding himself returning to his W: <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/009580.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/009580.html</A> <P>Another inspiring story to read: <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/003464.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/003464.html</A> <P>There's no textbook guaranteed answer, but there are many people here who have used MB principals and have found there way back to good marriages. I'm still in the beginning of my journey...a little farther along than you...but not by much. See my recent post: <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/009729.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/009729.html</A> <P>I have to go now...counseling session . Hopefully I am ready for it.<P>Take care of yourself.<P>Cali

LoveMess,<BR>You have started on a long road to recovery. I agree, Read Everything you can get your hands on. One of the best books I ever read about a situation like this is by Dr. James Dobson call "Love Must Be Tough". It is a biblically based book on love, marriage and survival. I read it shortly after my husband and I seperated. He was in LUUUV with an OW. We all know how you feel and can understand. Hang in there. God will answer your prayers, in His time. It may not be what you want, but He loves you and is there for you, ALWAYS. I was given a miricle when my husband returned. My prayer for you is lifted now. Keep the faith and keep your head up. <BR>JuJu

Lets not leave out "His needs, her needs" Just got my copy today. A very interesting book. I'm liking it thus far, and noticing all the places I went wrong myself in my marriage. So I'll definately be using that knowledge to my advantage in the future here with Knewjie. The "Love bank" thing is strange. I dont know if it just sounds strange, or what but regardless. It's easy to understand, and take the concepts from the book and apply them to yourself.<P>Also.. don't give up no reason to this early in the game. Instead go read, and post, and get support <P>Take care LoveMess, theres some 25,000 readers and posters here. So your in good hands, plenty of people to talk with, whom have seen a lot happen.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers, Hugs, and Strength from both of us. Things do and can get better. Keep hoping, learning, and growing. Take care of yourself.<P>[H] and Knewjie

Those looking for her story, or post. Went and fished it out. Otherwise its here. <BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum19/HTML/000842.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum19/HTML/000842.html</A> <P>Posted by LoveMess:<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B><BR>On May 29, 2001 my married life changed forever. My husband told me he didn't know if he loved me anymore. He said he doesn't even care about his home, and everything else we worked so hard for. He said they mean nothing. He's dead inside and he doesn't even feel anything if I come home it's like he doesn't want me to. He said is it a sin to stay in a marriage if you HATE being in it. We have been married for 10 years. We have five year old twin girls. My husband works third shift as a Police Officer. I work first shift. He says he hasn't been happy and not sure if he's felt love for me for six years. I know we haven't had a lone time with all the work we have to do on our acreage and the girls are very active. I have always been committed but that seems like it wasn't enough. On May 29, 2001 he went out for a couple of beers. I said for him to be careful, to call me if he needs me to pick him up. He made it sound like he wouldn't be gone very long. One of our girls got the hives like she does sometimes but this time it was MUCH worse I tried to call him on cell phone and I called the bar where he was supposed to be. He wasn't there. I even called one of his friends. No one had seen him. This was about 11:30pm at night and I had to pack the girls in the truck because I ran out of medicine for her hives. I drove to store and got more. On the way back home I saw the bar was closed where he was supposed to be. I kept trying his cell # NO ANSWER. I began to worry.<BR>I went home and it became 1:30am then 1:45am then someone called him cell phone that I had at home. The number was familiar that I saw before. I said HELLO and they hung up.<BR>I looked up the number and it was in him pocket calendar the numbers matched beside it was a girls name Mary. I was really worried. Finally at 2:30am I see him turn on our gravel road. I jumped into bed like I was sleeping. When he got into bed I asked jokingly if he closed the bars down. He said he left this bar at 2:10am. I got a sick feeling in my stomach. I knew the bar closed earlier. I told him about our daughter he jumped up and said of all nights. I told him to sit down. I asked him where he really was. He said that bar again. I told him I drove past it and it was closed. He then put his head down and said he was driving around thinking. I said where I tried calling the cell #. I told him about Mary calling. He finally admitted he had been talking to her at work about somethings. She has been better than any marriage counselor because she's been through it. To make a long story shorter. He has admitted to an affair with her. We have been to a counselor once together and once by ourselves. After I caught them again at her house when I caught him in another lie. I called our Pastor. We confessed all our sins and asked for forgiveness. He said he would stop calling her. Since May 29, 2001, there have been days where he would just lay in bed and cry. He couldn't even look at me. He said it's done and he feels nothing, he's dead inside. He said he's been feeling like this for 6 years now and he just can't take it anymore.<BR>We went together twice to see the Pastor and my husband went once by himself. I caught him talking to her on his cell phone outside one day. He said she's having a hard time with it.(ending it) From that day things have just gotten WORSE. I looked on internet and found this website and set-up a phone counselling. I talked first and I thought we were getting over somewhat of a hump. Then I came home on June 8, 2001 and found a note with a womans writting and my husbands writting. It was for a divorce lawyer. I asked him about it and totally lied. Then again he said he's done he can't take it anymore. I told his parents that weekend. His brother went to talk to him and his parents talked to him on Sunday. Then that Monday he had his Phone Counselling session and that night he told me he helped him understand a lot of things he's feeling BUT there are a lot of things he has to work out and that was all he wanted to tell me for now. I thanked him. We had another session together a couple of days later. My husband seemed like he was willing. Then I saw got the cell phone bill. He calls her right after he talks to me or pastor or counselor. He works third shift and she also works with him. He called her work number all the time almost every hour then when she gets home at 3:00am he calls her home # every hour after that until he leave for home at 7:00am. Then as soon as he gets up during the day he calls her. I called our Pastor. He said he has to be confronted about this and to stop or he is not welcome in church or home. I went to medical doctor because I am not able to sleep or eat. I told him the whole story. He said it doesn't sound like the same man he knew. He said he wanted to see him. I asked my husband to go. He said he would call. My husband cancelled our appointment with our Pastor to go to doctor. Then he was going to cancel doctor appointment. I also talked to someone who knew some things about this woman my husband had been calling. She said to be very carefull. She is good at conquering men. She has had affairs on her husband. She said she's out to win.<BR>This really scared me. My husband did go to the doctor and was upset with me that I told him everything. He worked a special project on Saturday from 7:00pm - 11:00pm he called and said he would be late. Then he called again and said he was going out for a couple of beers. I told him to please come home. He said no he was going out for a couple of beers. His brother called and I told him. He said he figured that he would be late. His brother and his wife drove to the bar. Here he was sitting at the bar with Mary.<BR>His brother called the bar and told him to come home. It wasn't my idea to do this it was his families. His dad also drove to our house. They are all sick. They all talked. Nothing got through his THICK head. He feels he shouldn't stay in a marriage if he wasn't happy inside about it. His family are very Christian people and my husband was raised this way too. He's so hooked on her. He even told me he gets love and care there. He said he could stay in marriage but he's scared about future what if it doesn't work. Then he said he could go with her and it doesn't work. He even told he out of anger that he knew it can work with her. He said I made he have the affair. I drove him to it. He said through all of these years I gave him a lot of emotional scares that he can't look past. He's dead inside. He made me feel like a terrible person. I know I have a lot of things to work on but I'm not an evil person. I know sometimes I am demanding and maybe a nag. I know I have disrespected his family. I never have felt him not loving me. I have known my husband forever. He only lived 2 blocks away from me. We went to same school. We know everything about each other. I considered us a good team and sole mates. He thinks what I say and I say what he thinks. But ever since he got into this new career about 6-1/2 years ago plus during this time we had twin girls and bought this acreage which needed a LOT of work. That's all we've been doing is work. For the last week or so he has become a VERY good lier, sneak. And I feel him drawing closer and closer to her and further and further from me. I told him as a friend in confidentiality the stuff I heard about Mary. He promised to not tell her. Well last night he sat down upset what I had said about her and that he has his resourses that say that this is not true about her. He just is defending and all on her side. He has also put his mind at ease about divorce. He is just has made himself believe thats what needs to be done. He's throwing this Mary in my face and defending her. I told him I don't know his. We were absolutely the best of friends. We have know each other our entire lives. And now he's taking her his and thinks he knows everything about her like no one does. He said she's made him see the light. He said she said once you lose something in a marriage you will NEVER get it back. That the kids will adjust and divorce is fine. Well still go to family reunions no one will abandon me. My family I am not close to. My mother passed away in 1994 and it's just my dad. His family is my only family to me. Anyone have any suggestions. I went to a lawyer today to just talk and he said we need to make a committment to save our marriage. We need to take a plan of action. I am willing to do our change anything to make the marriage work. But on the other hand my husband says he will TRY. He still has this Mary in the background. I have been begging and pleading and I know I have just drawn his closer to her. I don't want a divorce. I truely LOVE my husband. I feel I can't live and raise our children without him. He's like a stranger in my house. He's nice one minutes then the next he says he's faking it again like he has for 6 years. I am just crushed. We have ALWAYS said to each other every time we depart from each other "I LOVE YOU" but now he can't say it. He sometimes doesn't say it to the girls. Now for the last week or so too he thinks he needs to not wear his wedding ring. He lies that he has a sore but he doesn't. I asked his again this morning and he said he doesn't feel right wearing it.<BR>I was told by his parents and listening to a tape from the book "LOVE MUST BE TOUGH" that he must leave his home and decide what he wants. I will tell him I love him and married him for life and I'm deticated & committed to do what it takes. But he must make a choice to be committed to saving his marriage.<P>HELP do you have any suggestions. I am tired and feel helpless.<P>Sincerely,<BR>LOVEMESS<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

I BOUGHT THAT BOOK YESTERDAY. LOVE MUST BE TOUGH. DID YOUR HUSBAND MOVE OUT ON HIS OWN OR DID YOU MAKE HIM LEAVE. TELL ME MORE ABOUT YOUR STORY. WHAT I HAVE TOLD IS THIS COMMON? MY HUSBAND ALREADY TRYING TO CONVINCE HIMSELF THAT DIVORCE IS THE ONLY WAY TO GO. HE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING, HOUSE, MONEY, OR ANYTHING ELSE WE'VE WORKED FOR. HE SAID HE'S DEAD INSIDE AND IF HE LOSES EVERYTHING AT LEAST HE WILL BE OUT OF THE MARRIAGE AND HAVE SOME SENSE OF HIMSELF BACK AND THAT'S WORTH MORE THAT ANYTHING ELSE. HE DOESN'T CARE WHO HE HURTS HE SAID HE HAS TO TAKE CARE OF HIS OWN SELF BEING NOT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE SAY HE'S FEELING OR FEELS. HE KNOW WHAT HE FEELS, HE'S DEAD INSIDE. HE HATES BEING IN HIS MARRIAGE. HOW DO I GIVE HIM ANY KIND OF HOPE. HOW DID YOUR HUSBAND COME BACK. HIS PARENTS, BROTHER, OUR PASTOR AND THE LAWYER ALL SAY HE CAN'T HAVE THE BOTH OF TWO WORLDS. HE HAS TO END ON OF THEM. HE NEEDS TO MAKE A DECISION. HE ALSO NEEDS TO BE OUT. HOW DO I DO THIS IN AWAY THAT WON'T MAKE HIM HATE ME ANY MORE AND RUN FASTER AWAY FROM ME. I HAVEN'T HAD MUCH OF A CHANCE TO READ THE BOOK I HAVE LISTENED TO A CASSETTE TAPE THAT IS A TAPED RADIO BROADCAST. IT SEEMS LIKE THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT US, IT'S EXACT. HE HAS LISTENED TO IT. I DON'T KNOW IF ANYTHING HAS GOTTEN THROUGH HIS THICK HEAD THOUGH. NO ONE CAN GET THROUGH TO HIM, NOT EVEN HIS MOTHER, HE'S LIED TO HER TOO. HE BECOME VERY GOOD. I CAN'T EVEN TELL WHAT'S A LIE ANYMORE. I FEEL SO HELPLESS. OUR PASTOR SAID THAT IS I ASK HIM TO LEAVE HE WILL JUST ENJOY HIS SECOND LIFE BETTER AND ITS LIKE A TRIAL DIVORCE. IF HE WOULD JUST BE BY HIMSELF AND THINK OF WHAT HE DOING AND ALL LOSING I WOULD DO IT TONIGHT, I'M SCARED. I NEED GUIDANCE.<BR>LOVEMESS<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by JuJu:<BR><B>LoveMess,<BR>You have started on a long road to recovery. I agree, Read Everything you can get your hands on. One of the best books I ever read about a situation like this is by Dr. James Dobson call "Love Must Be Tough". It is a biblically based book on love, marriage and survival. I read it shortly after my husband and I seperated. He was in LUUUV with an OW. We all know how you feel and can understand. Hang in there. God will answer your prayers, in His time. It may not be what you want, but He loves you and is there for you, ALWAYS. I was given a miricle when my husband returned. My prayer for you is lifted now. Keep the faith and keep your head up. <BR>JuJu</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Lovemess, I too was in this same situation just 2 months ago - the longest 2 months of my life! I've been married for nearly 17 years, thought we were perfect, so happy and contented - then my husband admits to having an emotional affair (EA) with another woman. It turned physical once.<BR>No words can describe the deep sense of grief and pain you feel - the hopelessness, fear, bewilderment, disbelief. It's like half of you has suddenly been torn away and you feel lost and incomplete. We've all been there and we know how hard it is. But there is light at the end of the tunnel - as others have recommended, you need to get 'Surviving an Affair' by Dr. Harley, it's a brilliant book and will explain a lot of things to you. It's hard not to feel resentment towards your husband and this other woman, but it is also very helpful to remember that there are several people involved in this affair - and several people have to take a share of the blame, including yourself - I think you have already realised that, and it's the first step towards healing and forgiveness. Right now, you need to help yourself first and foremost - the Marriage Builders Plans do work, but they are tough - you need to be strong, level-headed, clear thinking, calm and in control of yourself. At this moment in time you probably feel the exact opposite of those things! Dr. Harley recommends that you go to your doctor for anti-depressants. I was very much against this, and fought it for ages, but in the end I succumbed and got some Prozac - and it has been so, so, helpful. I feel very strong most of the time now, and am committed to following my plans to save the marriage. I also realised that I had probably been feeling depressed for a long time - because the 'real' me has started to emerge again, and I like it!<P>Read 'Surviving an Affair', read this MB website - look after yourself, build your strength up, then go out and start getting your husband back!<P>hugs, Paint.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B><BR>He said is it a sin to stay in a marriage if you HATE being in it. <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Uh? What bible is that from? New WS editon? Thats a new one, even I didn't come up with that. More to the point. It's still part of the standard "WS" scripts. He's going to say a lot of strange things. Like "I never loved you","I'm unhappy","I need time for me","I need to get away, it has nothing to do with you","I dont know what I want anymore","We are two different people". ETC.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B><BR>He said it's done and he feels nothing, he's dead inside. He said he's been feeling like this for 6 years now and he just can't take it anymore.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>More script. I told my wife, that I had felt this way from the very beginning of our marriage.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B><BR>I called our Pastor. He said he has to be confronted about this and to stop or he is not welcome in church or home.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Uh. Personally? during the time of my affair, if my wife had kicked me out, and our pastor had said I was unwelcome in a house of god. It would have pushed me farther away from everyone. For starters, everyone is a sinner. So don't really think your pastor is showing a good example that. No matter how great the sin, god forgives ones as easy as the next. God doesn't judge things on scale, he dislikes all sin. We as people are the ones who put more or less merit in what sin is. So... That being said, I don't think your pastor is going to be of much support to your husband, and thats a shame...<P>Whether you kick him out or not, thats your judgement. Your choice. Your marriage. I won't and can't tell you what to do. In my case, if my wife had booted me out earlier, it only would have made things worse in the beginning. I would have resented her even more then I did at the time. So in my case, this particular thing would have drove me away from her, and into the arms of (OW).<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B><BR>He said he could stay in marriage but he's scared about future what if it doesn't work. Then he said he could go with her and it doesn't work. He even told he out of anger that he knew it can work with her. He said I made he have the affair. I drove him to it. He said through all of these years I gave him a lot of emotional scares that he can't look past. He's dead inside.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Read all about the fog, and what its like to be in there from my perspective. Suggest checking out posts from other (WS's) as well. No one can make someone else have an affair. Thats a choice he made alone. However problems in a marriage can help. Suggest reading "His needs her needs" after you finish "Surviving and Affair". Also this is pretty text book so far. As strange as it may sound, he's acting very normal for a (WS) in the fog.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B><BR>He said she's made him see the light. He said she said once you lose something in a marriage you will NEVER get it back.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>He made his own point here. Does he really want to go back to the way things were? I'm sure in the past you both were very unhappy at times, not really talking to each other about those things, and he wants that back? How bout, building a better marriage? One where both sides are in love, at all times, on where you are focused on this person you fell in love with long ago. One where you can do anything together. One where you can share any thought together. One where you are happy to look accross the room at the spouse you married. One where you enjoy doing things with your spoucse. And so on. Why go back to the way it was, when you can change the way it is.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B><BR>went to a lawyer today to just talk and he said we need to make a committment to save our marriage. <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>An actual real live lawyer said that to you? My preconcieved notions and vague generalizations of lawyers are all wrong. Regardless, your lawyer is right. Work on your marriage, there are things you can do right now. There are things you can change. As helpless as it feels, because he is saying he wants a divorce and his mind is made up. Don't give in that easy.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B><BR>We have ALWAYS said to each other every time we depart from each other "I LOVE YOU" but now he can't say it. He sometimes doesn't say it to the girls. Now for the last week or so too he thinks he needs to not wear his wedding ring.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>I stopped telling my wife I loved her as well. I also took off my ring, I told her to sell hers. It's part of the "Script" (WS's) use.<P>Ws, "Wayward Spouse"<BR>Bs, "Betrayed Spouse"<P>I'm a former WS btw. So I've been in your husbands shoes. I've said all of those mean and hurtful things to my own wife. I am no longer asking for a divorce, i've truely seen the light. Heading back home to my wife. We've been in recovery for a week + now.<P>Let me also add. I'm not making light of your situation, I understand some of the pain your going through right now, and I understand what a panicked state your in. As many have suggested. Read, Read, Read. This helps on so many ways. You can better understand what problems to address in your own marriage, gain "Strength" from prayers, posts, and knowledge. Post, and ask questions, talk with us. It does help <P>------------------<BR>Prayers, Hugs, and Strength from both of us. Things do and can get better. Keep hoping, learning, and growing. Take care of yourself.<P>[H] and Knewjie<p>[This message has been edited by [H] (edited June 19, 2001).]

Not sure if you saw this or not LoveMess.<BR>Bumping it.<P>Your other post. <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/009782.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/009782.html</A> <P>------------------<BR>Prayers, Hugs, and Strength from both of us. Things do and can get better. Keep hoping, learning, and growing. Take care of yourself.<P>[H] and Knewjie<p>[This message has been edited by [H] (edited June 20, 2001).]