I've been doing OK, but I could be doing much better. My WH keeps 'nagging' at me to go out, find new friends, get new interests etc. and I presumed he was trying to tell me to go and find someone else, and that was the last thing I felt like doing right now....I just realised tonight, that he was right when he said a while back that we had nothing to talk about anymore....I think THAT is what he means by me finding 'new interests'. Tonight, when he came for tea, I was really struggling to think of ways to start a conversation with him - it's hard enough anyway, but when he's 'down' and just replies with single sentences, it's even harder. I just feel like I'm questioning him rather than having a conversation - and all I could think of was small talk about the kids! I'm boring! Help! I'm going to find some new interests tomorrow....not easy when you don't have babysitters though - any suggestions?

Paintbox<P>This is what I'm going through. I think though, that your H is feeling that he needs a change and wants to try new things(typical mid-life crisis stuff) and is projecting this onto you.<P>Just before I found out about my H's A he had me feeling so boring! I know he was bored and restless. Now I am trying to find myself again after being wife and mother for so many years and not much of anything else.<P>I'm trying to decide what interests I could possibly have.I picked up my city's Parks and Recreation brochure tonight and saw some interesting classes offered like photography or golf. I know some of the classes offer babysitting.<P>If you find a good way to get you H talking, please let me know! I have a hard time to get mine to say more than 1 word at a time too!

Paintbox:<P>I do not recall how old your children are. Mine are D-11, S-12, S-13. My husband travels about half of the time so I'm alone with them mon-fri quiet a bit. I've been having the same challenge you are having. I know that some parents will leave children this age alone, but they don't have my crew. I cannot leave this bunch alone for very long, especially not in the city I live in.<P>I thought I'd share with you one of the things I do with my children. I did this when the kids were younger too.<P>Barnes and Nobles (or some other large book store that has lots of activities)... We have a great one here in Albuquerque called "Page One". I give the kids a small budget and let them browse. It can take them hours. (On the days when I am completely cash poor I tell them before entering the store that this is a no-buy day. They have slowly learned the lesson.) This gives me a chance to explore the shelves. I usually get a pile of books and sit in one of their easy chairs and read. I usually end up buying at least on of the books. Or I take the books to the coffee shop and read there.<P>They have events all the time. Like poetry readings. I want to start going to some of those. Who knows, one day I might get enough courage to read some of mine.<P>Last week I went to a lecture and book signing for the book "Ghost Soldiers" by Hampton Sides. The book is on the New York Times Best Seller's list. (By the way, I was very impressed with Hampton Sides.) The book is about the Batan Death March during WWII. My father was a WWII prisoner of war on that march so it meant a lot to me. I met some incredibly interesting people and spoke to Hampton Sides for a while about my father's experiences and the ones he writes about. My father passed away in 1970. I got my mother a signed copy of the book I know she'll love it.<P>My S-12 was with me and he really got into it after he got over his initial whining about "why cannot we go look at adventure books." After listening to the lecture, my son could not wait to talk to Mr. Sides, told him that the book sounded wonderful and he could not wait to read it.<P>Talk about growing my horizons. What I have found is that by hanging around the bookstores, browsing through the books, I've found some new interests.<P>Z<P><P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

Hey, wait a minute Paint, can't your WH watch the kids some so you can start having a life too?<P>Just a thougth.

Maezy - I bet, like me, you can talk for hours and hours with certain people - it's just your husband you have problems with? Mine has never really 'talked' to me - and yet I now find that this is his No. 1 emotional need and that is what he finds so fascinating about the OW, that he can talk to her so easily (of course, it's a new relationship, so there are plenty of things to find out about each other...).<P>Zorweb - yes, my kids (5 and 10) LOVE bookshops, and sometimes I will meet a friend for coffee there, because my kids will just 'disappear' for an hour or so and we can have a chat in peace! I have plenty of interests and hobbies, but unfortunately not shared by my WH! The other thing I've found out, that because he's in 'withdrawal' he has lost interest in many of the things he used to be into - I spent ages on the internet swotting up on the latest golf scores, and what his soccer team back in England were up to - tried to start a conversation about them only to discover that he hadn't been bothered to even watch the Golf once and hadn't a clue what was going on....<P>He has recently decided to learn to play the guitar - but I'm a bit wary that if I start to do the exact same things as he is, he will think I'm only doing it to get him back...<P>I don't have any trouble talking to anyone else, only him - but conversation is a two-way process and you can't talk to a brick wall can you? I will keep thinking...and keep trying...<P>Thanks, Paint

That's intersting, about it being his no.1 need. You've got me wondering about my H now.<BR>Wouldn't you love to be a fly on the wall when WS and H's are talking?

Paintbox<P>I was thinking about it. and I'm wondering if H's would open up to talk about OW's.<BR>I think mine might but I'm afraid to hear the answers.

<"I don't have any trouble talking to anyone else, only him - but conversation is a two-way process and you can't talk to a brick wall can you? "><P>You got that right Paint. His #1 need and he uses single sentence answers in interrogation sytle conversation. Hmm. Who is the one who needs to get help in this area, not you, you were trying at least. My H and I had alot of trouble with what to say too the one time I saw him when he came to see the kids. Of course there is going to be discomfort, he feels guilty. Read the post to Aeon Blue.. good stuff. Don't feel like you've done something wrong.<P>Learning to play guitar...OMG, RUN! Lol. Sorry, I am married to a musician.. giving me chills.<P>This is sounding like he doesn't really know what he wants- mid life crisis kind of stuff. Just because he is bored and restless and wants to turn his life upside down, does that mean you have to? It sounds to me like you weren't all that in need of another hobby before he made you unsure of yourself.<P>I don't hear a person who is not witty, intellegent, smart, interesting, and talented already. If you can't talk to someone that doesn't want to talk that is hardly a reason to second guess your life style. Just my opinion.<P>Keep hanging in there and being you, he seems to like you a little, he married you. Don't doubt yourself, I think you're great!<P> <P><BR>

You made me smile today Scared, which means you'll be going in my 'happy journal' as something to be thankful for today <P>hugs, Paint.

Paintbox,<P>I've been following your posts since I got on this forum and I've been pretty overwhelmed by most of them (way out of my league). But, this one I could relate to and it got me thinking for a long time. You also deserve to have at least one H respond.<P>I agree with Scared that it sounds like your H wasn't present and you can't have a conversation with one person. It's also clear that there usually isn't a rational explanation for the way a WS behaves.<P>I'm not a chatty person, but I have no problem having a GREAT conversations with random people that I sit next to on airplanes or find myself stuck next to in lines. You can choose your best funny story, no repercusions if you say something wrong. [Does that mean OW is filling the part of a random airline passenger - gee what an accomplishment!]<P>I have problems talking to my W -- because I actually care about her and what she thinks. My W is a devoted SAHM and when our kids were small didn't have time to do anything outside the house (like cultivate her own interests). So, most of the topics we had to talk about involved my work and outside activities. For some reason lot's of topics (that I cared very strongly about) ended up producing arguments (LBs on both sides). After many years I learned not to talk about certain things in any deep way. This produced a lot of one sentence responses on my part.<P>W: How was your day dear?<BR>Me: Fine.<BR>W: What did you do?<BR>Me: Had a meeting, talked on the phone. (... you get the idea)<P>I eventually had nothing to talk about- this didn't actually bother me because conversation is not one of my needs, but it was clear that it was one of hers. I pleaded with her to take up some outside activities hoping that this would lead to "safe" conversation topics. But, I never actually volunteered to help her get release time (by watching kids) so she could actually do stuff. As kids got into school she volunteered and got involved in school stuff and started to have her own life. Things got better, but it took a long time. Then she found conversation on the internet (ouch).<P>This applies how?<P>Well, your H may not actually be on earth right now but, when he comes back you might want to review your "conversation history" and see if there are "unsafe" topics between the two of you that might have pushed him away. Outside interests are a good way to bring in new topics but this is probably a long term project. Use Zorweb's idea, if you can, and coax your H to step in with the kids while you go out and enrich yourself. This has the added bonus of giving you something safe to talk about when you get back (ie. "What did you and the kids do while I was gone?")<P>You seem to have done a brilliant thing by researching stuff you know he likes, this is also prime evidence that he is elsewhere right now. <P>There's a thread on the Emotional Needs forum about conversation starters titled "intimacy building conversation help" (I need to learn how to put in links) .<P>One starter that works for us is finding amusing articles in the morning paper. Especially good is the Police Briefs that talks about all the dumb things people got arrested for the previous day. A local radio station spends a lot of time in the morning pulling these same things from the paper and having people call in about them, what a riot. <P>You had another good idea with the bake party. That has got to be an extremely safe and easy topic. Tantalize him with descriptions of things you intend to cook next week. Ask him what his favorites are. If he doesn't respond to this topic he's obviously not an earthling right now.<P>Another kind of topic that is good are pleasant memories from your life together. Our OS's birthday was yesterday and somehow the conversion turned to his real birth. How can anyone not get tingles when remembering the birth of their child? You and your H must have lots of good memories like that. <P>PLEASE USE CAUTION HERE<P>Other people have commented about the ability of the WS to rewrite history and if you bring up one of your most cherished moments he could use it to hurt you badly. Perhaps this idea is best left until you trust him again. <P> - Jeff

Jeff - it was lovely of you to reply, and I found your post very interesting and helpful. Yes, he is re-writing history - he says now that he always wanted me to go back to work after our first child was born and he resents the fact that I am so 'dependant' on him - In actual fact, he was adamant that no-one was going to bring up his children other than us - he was full of support for me being a SAHM! All his family and our friends remember that as a fact. As for me being 'dependant' - OK, I may be financially dependant on him, but not in other ways - I'm an extremely independant woman, who is quite happy to spend time by herself and with other friends. I started an art club back in England, ran the Mother and Tots group, organised exhibitions, went away on Church Retreats by myself. In fact he was the one who was always 'worried' if I was late home, or would refuse to let me drive anywhere if it was snowing! Changing history is definately a big problem he's got at the moment!<P>I'm off down to the bookshop now - to do just what Zorweb recommended, and treat myself to a yummy Mocca Latte as well.<P>Take care,<BR>Paint.

Hey Paintbox:<P>I think this might be one of those WS scripts we've heard so much about....cause mine had said it too...the famous..."We have nothing to talk about." But you know what that because "he's" so boring not me...I've always been interested in what's going on...he's the one who use to sit with his nose buried in the TV...while he was at home I tried various activities to get him interested in things...but there was always something wrong with them.<P>He's been gone on his own for a year now and I'm at last finding it easier to talk to him....because now I have interests that he doesn't and he's afraid that I'm going to drift away from him...so now it him asking the questions about what's going on....Oh, I've heard the complaints about OW and her crowd (about how you can't trust any of them...well, why are you there?) and I listen because that is his favorite topic of conversation now...all the bicking, fighting and injuries keep him busy...but it's still boring to me...makes me think that a person like him has to have drama in their life because they can't build a life for themselves. But in a way it has freed me because I no longer have to consider whether this activity will take too much time away from him (at home). I can do what I like..it's easier if your kids are older. I have even considered how hard it would be to go back to the "old" life.<P>Since we spend most of the day together, including lunch, I had to find a way to ease the conversation problem...so I started again...as if we were strangers...and even if you think you know everything about someone, you really don't...so we read the newpaper and discuss that, we do the cross-word puzzle together, we talk about our children, we discuss what I'm doing, including a new exercise program involving weight training and swimming (he used to very interested in weight training), new people I've met (this one really bothers him)...but one thing I don't discuss anymore (at least I don't ask) is anything about his life...I don't care...I want him to know that my life is so full that I'm not sitting around waiting on him to return. I'm giving him a picture of a normal life absent the drama that life with OW is....doing things that he use to enjoy but can't now because OW is not interested in those things...so far he has just done what OW wants to do...someday the real WS will revert and that will be over.<P>This seems to be working for me as I have no problem talking to him. We are even beginning to have a few relationship discussions...that are satisfactory to both of us...but I don't dwell on those for long as they can be too WS centered...and I want my focus to be on me and my life...not WS and OW's life or relationship...sink or swim.<P>Give it a try...WS and his situation have had center stage for too long anyway...time our lives became our own.<P>Faye<BR>