I agree, you cannot go back in time, so I guess you really cannot worry about what "might have been." But, I'll be very honest, there were several things I regret about the affair - and one of those were all the opportunities I had to end it before things got started, before things got worse.<P>I guess you should know, that I am one of the WS who confessed everything to my spouse. My H didn't know anything was wrong until I told him about the A. I don't think I would have been found out early on, but if it had been discovered by my H, or if I had confessed earlier - maybe it would have made things better, I don't know.<P>For me, friendship with the OM turned into an EA and then a PA. All along I knew that what I was doing was wrong, but I couldn't stop. . .I won't be naive and say that the OM just kept pursuing me and I couldn't help myself, but it was like he kept pursuing and I couldn't say no.<P>I don't want to get off on a tangent, but here are the ways in which I could have ended things sooner - or even stopped them before they got started.<P>(1) Shouldn't have had those drinks with my friends - to the extent that it impaired my judgement.<P>(2) When the OM put his had on my knee, I should have removed it for him.<P>(3) When he asked me to get a beer with him, I should have said no (I knew it was wrong, told him it was wrong, but went anyway.)<P>(4) When I ran out of the bar, telling him that this was wrong that I had to get home to my H, that I loved my H, I should have jumped in my car and lock the doors. Instead, when the OM asked for a hug, we ended up kissing.<P>(5) The following Monday, I had never emailed with the OM at all, never even really noticed him before this, so when the OM emailed me telling me he didn't know what to say - I should have apologized for "crossing the line" and said goodbye, but I didn't.<P>(6) When the OM kept asking me to go out - just as friends - I should have said no.<P>(7) When I kept going out with the OM, and would rush out telling him - again - that it was wrong, I should have listened to my gut, my heart, my head - whatever and left and stayed home with my H.<P>(8) When the OM and I had planned to take the day off from work to "get together," I called him and cancelled that. I should have left it "Cancelled," instead I called him back and we were back "on."<P>(9) When I ended things after the first PA, confessed to my H, I should have sent a no-contact letter (but I didn't know what that was, and didn't think I needed help getting through this).<P>(10) When the "friendship" with the OM escalated again to an EA - I should have told my H - I should have told him about contact to begin with.<P>(11) When the EA escalated to another PA - I could have cancelled out of that one too.<P>(12) When I asked my H one time at a bar (while I was heavily in the EA) what he would do if I had an affair - I should have told him right then and there that I thought I was having an affair.<P>I could go on like this forever. . .I just kept making one horrible decision after another horrible decision. In my life, I think there are only two things I regret (1) not slowing down at work enough to have a piece of cake with a co-worker who died of a massive heart attack later that day; and (2) my biggest regret is the affair - everything about it. . .the fact that it occurred, the fact that I had a ton of opportunities to end it, stop it, never engage in it, but didn't.<P>If you're asking your question from the perspective of "What could I have done as a BS to help my H?" Well, the past is the past. You cannot change what happened, but you can still get through this.<P>For me, as much as I would like to change what happened - everything that happened, I cannot. I am ashamed of what I have done, I am sorry for what I have done, and my H and I have been in recovery for over a year, and we're doing really well. But, there are still days (everyday) that I wish I had never met the OM, there are still days I wish I would have been a better, stronger person, there are a lot of days I really regret all the time I wasted during the affair and after the affair in which I wasn't thinking about my H - when I was only thinking about myself and my needs.<P>I guess my point is, I have a ton of regrets, and if I could only undo one thing about this whole mess - It would have been to not go out with the OM for a drink - even as a "friend." That's when I think everything just snowballed. I think it's okay to have other people "attracted" to you, but I should have stood up for what I believed in, I should have stood up for my H and for my marriage, but I didn't and I regret it, and will for the rest of my life.<P>If I had been found out earlier on. . .I don't know if it would have been easier or harder to recommit. In my case, I was always fighting this battle between what was the right thing to do and what I wanted to do. I think, in my case, I always wanted someone to tell me what to do - I was that confused. If my H would have said, you need to come home, we need to get counseling - I think it may have saved us a lot of pain, but that's in my situation. It was like this balancing act - wanting this exciting new relationship and doing the morally correct thing. And, I loved my H - even during the affair, which makes it even more crazy for me, but if I would have told my H sooner, maybe we could have helped me tipped the scales in the right direction. I don't know.<P>I hope this helps answer your questions.