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Joined: May 2001
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Hi<P>firstly you guys are great to come and answer our questions!<P>Is it possible for you here to go back in time and recreate how the affair was evolving and how and when it could have/should have been stopped and how it would all play out differently if you could have that time again?<P>For those of us who havent had an affair it may help us<P>Also if you had been found out in the initial few weeks of infatuation would it have been much harder for you to leave the affair alone and recommitt fully to your marriage?<P>thank you!

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I guess you are racking your brain because you are the hurt one?? Right??<P>Do yourself a favor. Do not try to think about what might have been if you were to go back in time. YOU CAN'T do this to yourself.<P>I too thought about what might have been different only if knew earlier. Would she have had such an intimate relationship with him if I nkew earlier.<P>The infatuation is there. Would it have been harder to break at the newer stages?? Maybe. I know that when you first start dating someone (nonaffair) the first couple of months are the honeymoon period. The time when everything is on cloud 9. Same during an affair, I think...<P>I wish you good luck. We know how you feel.<P>K

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I agree, you cannot go back in time, so I guess you really cannot worry about what "might have been." But, I'll be very honest, there were several things I regret about the affair - and one of those were all the opportunities I had to end it before things got started, before things got worse.<P>I guess you should know, that I am one of the WS who confessed everything to my spouse. My H didn't know anything was wrong until I told him about the A. I don't think I would have been found out early on, but if it had been discovered by my H, or if I had confessed earlier - maybe it would have made things better, I don't know.<P>For me, friendship with the OM turned into an EA and then a PA. All along I knew that what I was doing was wrong, but I couldn't stop. . .I won't be naive and say that the OM just kept pursuing me and I couldn't help myself, but it was like he kept pursuing and I couldn't say no.<P>I don't want to get off on a tangent, but here are the ways in which I could have ended things sooner - or even stopped them before they got started.<P>(1) Shouldn't have had those drinks with my friends - to the extent that it impaired my judgement.<P>(2) When the OM put his had on my knee, I should have removed it for him.<P>(3) When he asked me to get a beer with him, I should have said no (I knew it was wrong, told him it was wrong, but went anyway.)<P>(4) When I ran out of the bar, telling him that this was wrong that I had to get home to my H, that I loved my H, I should have jumped in my car and lock the doors. Instead, when the OM asked for a hug, we ended up kissing.<P>(5) The following Monday, I had never emailed with the OM at all, never even really noticed him before this, so when the OM emailed me telling me he didn't know what to say - I should have apologized for "crossing the line" and said goodbye, but I didn't.<P>(6) When the OM kept asking me to go out - just as friends - I should have said no.<P>(7) When I kept going out with the OM, and would rush out telling him - again - that it was wrong, I should have listened to my gut, my heart, my head - whatever and left and stayed home with my H.<P>(8) When the OM and I had planned to take the day off from work to "get together," I called him and cancelled that. I should have left it "Cancelled," instead I called him back and we were back "on."<P>(9) When I ended things after the first PA, confessed to my H, I should have sent a no-contact letter (but I didn't know what that was, and didn't think I needed help getting through this).<P>(10) When the "friendship" with the OM escalated again to an EA - I should have told my H - I should have told him about contact to begin with.<P>(11) When the EA escalated to another PA - I could have cancelled out of that one too.<P>(12) When I asked my H one time at a bar (while I was heavily in the EA) what he would do if I had an affair - I should have told him right then and there that I thought I was having an affair.<P>I could go on like this forever. . .I just kept making one horrible decision after another horrible decision. In my life, I think there are only two things I regret (1) not slowing down at work enough to have a piece of cake with a co-worker who died of a massive heart attack later that day; and (2) my biggest regret is the affair - everything about it. . .the fact that it occurred, the fact that I had a ton of opportunities to end it, stop it, never engage in it, but didn't.<P>If you're asking your question from the perspective of "What could I have done as a BS to help my H?" Well, the past is the past. You cannot change what happened, but you can still get through this.<P>For me, as much as I would like to change what happened - everything that happened, I cannot. I am ashamed of what I have done, I am sorry for what I have done, and my H and I have been in recovery for over a year, and we're doing really well. But, there are still days (everyday) that I wish I had never met the OM, there are still days I wish I would have been a better, stronger person, there are a lot of days I really regret all the time I wasted during the affair and after the affair in which I wasn't thinking about my H - when I was only thinking about myself and my needs.<P>I guess my point is, I have a ton of regrets, and if I could only undo one thing about this whole mess - It would have been to not go out with the OM for a drink - even as a "friend." That's when I think everything just snowballed. I think it's okay to have other people "attracted" to you, but I should have stood up for what I believed in, I should have stood up for my H and for my marriage, but I didn't and I regret it, and will for the rest of my life.<P>If I had been found out earlier on. . .I don't know if it would have been easier or harder to recommit. In my case, I was always fighting this battle between what was the right thing to do and what I wanted to do. I think, in my case, I always wanted someone to tell me what to do - I was that confused. If my H would have said, you need to come home, we need to get counseling - I think it may have saved us a lot of pain, but that's in my situation. It was like this balancing act - wanting this exciting new relationship and doing the morally correct thing. And, I loved my H - even during the affair, which makes it even more crazy for me, but if I would have told my H sooner, maybe we could have helped me tipped the scales in the right direction. I don't know.<P>I hope this helps answer your questions.

Joined: Jan 2001
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SKM!<BR>This post is awesome...i could ditto every bit of it - almost word for word.<P>Alsohurt;<BR>I will also say look forward and not back; I am the wayward spouse and I have reflected upon myself to the point of "when did my husband stop loving me to the point that I turned to someone else?"....trying to place the blame on him for my fault....<P>I am finding - he never stopped loving me but we were so wrapped up on our daily lives that we stopped communicating - and communicating is done on different levels for different folks. Daily lunches with a co-worker allowed me to get a little too close and become to familiar with his life. We were great friends once and now we barely talk. I still work with him and it is a constant painful reminder - every day - just like the breath on my lips - I cannot forgive/forget it. <P>I typed more on this to be honest about my detail as SKM done but the pain was like a big wave. I had to erase it. I cannot go there yet, but dont look back...keep going forward.<P>Scuba

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((((Thank you kicker 14, SKM and Scuba2 ))))<p>[This message has been edited by alsohurt (edited June 20, 2001).]


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