Oh no. My H just left another cryptic message on my answering machine. I just know he's going to tell me his EA turned PA last week. I know it. That's why OW took off for New York (when she's supposed to be teaching a class), and that's why he NEEDED to talk to me last week.<P>I'll be so mad if he had sex with me after her (we did it on Monday).<P>I hate it when he does this. Leaves me the message and says he doesn't know when he'll have time to talk about it, but he "alluded" to it on Monday and it'll probably affect him seeing the kids.<P>I hate these games and waiting all the time. My imagination runs wild, but I don't know what else it can be. It's bad news, I know it. He did allude to having sex with her, he said "why do you keep giving me chances, what do I have to do for you to give up on me, have sex with her?" I said it was never too late and the topic ended.<P>Oh no. I'm trying to grasp on and do my work today, but now I am all worried. It's not fair for him to do this to me. I hate it.

HBH,<P>I am sorry for where you are at right now. The world of the unknown. Why do these WS's think its okay to leave us in limboland. I know personally that limboland makes our minds create all sorts of terrible thoughts. See my post under "couseling - no wife"<P>As for the "why do you keep giving me chances..." line, I think that is classic fog-speak. My W told me a couple of months ago, "why don't you just give up? Can't you see that your love is not wanted?" Now she is in the "I think I MIGHT want to work on the marriage" mode, but she is not willing to commit yet. I HATE LIMBOLAND!!<P>And you are sooo right - ITS NOT FAIR<P>Hang in there. The good people on these boards are very helpful and far more insightful than I.<P>S&C<BR>dave<p>[This message has been edited by sadandconfused (edited June 20, 2001).]

Did I miss something over the weekend? Are you guys not in Plan B? You had sex on Monday?? Ok, I KNOW I missed something, will have to go back and read.<P><BR>Breathe, breathe, breathe. Having sex with her is not the end of the world, in fact it might snap him out of it, and if it does I'm sure you'll be glad. Relax, refocus, one way or another you are going to be ok. His bad decisions do not make you less of a wonderful person.<P>

Here's a joke to help cheer you up while I read:<P>Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." <P>Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?" <P>"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your <BR>friend come right in and join me for lunch!" <P>Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says. <P>"President Clinton"his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Bubba <BR>says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." <P>Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else. <P>"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome. <P>Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. <P>Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?" <P>His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?" <P> <P>

Okay. Help. I need to be prepared incase this is what my H is going to tell me. I'm pretty certain.<P>I am freaking out. All I can think is that I don't want him back if this is the case, more lies! I want to just go and file and be done with this whole charade. Why shouldn't I do this? I don't think I can forgive him, and why would I want him back after all the hell he's put me through?<P>Since I'll be so mad and hurt, how can I possibly hold in my emotions and be nice telling him I still love him and we can work it out. I can't!! What can I do just shutup and show him the door without saying a word? Yell, scream, and throw a fit letting him know how I really feel?<P>I want to be prepared - it will help me live through the agony of waiting and right now I don't want to work things out if this is what he has to tell me, so what do I do tonight?<P>Scared - yes you missed a TON of stuff!! I am in a combo plan A/Plan B, it is very confusing. I'm sure by now you've read about it. Thanks for the joke!

There is no such thing as a combo plan a plan b. No where. I think you are hurting your chances for recovery by not sticking to one or the other. But it's not my place and it sounds like it doesn't matter because you are ready for plan DV. That's ok too.<P>There is no one who is going to be able to say that hasn't really screwed up and you have every right to a divorce if that is what you want. Yell, scream, show him the door. Sure. You are fully justified, and if you decide that I will say, God bless you and have a happy life and mean it.<P>But don't be surprised if when you calm down after you feel differently. You still love this guy, I know you do. You are taking his sleeping with her harder than his having feelings for her- lying to you- betraying you, I'm having a hard time understanding this. I think if you were to look into your past and try to tie how you are feeling now to a similar feeling in your childhood you might figure out what it is that is really bothering you here. <P>You might want to give yourself a chance to calm down and really examine such a long term life altering decision.<P>

Isn't this the same H that won't tell you where he is living or do I have this post confused with someone else. If i remember correctly he said he won't tell you because u may spy on him. And the concensus here is that the reason he won't tell you where he is living is because he is actually living with the OW. Do u really believe the relationship has not gone physical already? I may be over-stepping my boundaries, if it walks like a duck then......... But that being said, u feel angry right now, not knowing what he is going to tell you (by the way when is this talk supposed to happen?), but after that u will realize that YES, u still want your H back, it is human nature, feelings don't shut off just like that, if it were that easy everyone here would be on the divorce board or actually no board at all for not having any feelings about it one way or the other. Affairs, emotional or physical do not mean an end to a marriage.

OK I found it- had to go back three pages- my this board really moves fast! Here is a quote from you from that post; <"This time, at least I gave him food for thought and good things to remember. I don't feel bad about what happened either, I thought I might, but I don't."><P>If you didn't feel bad about it then, and he might have already slept with her- then don't feel different about it now. Like you said you gave him food for thought. <P>Like trying says- if it walks like a duck... I mean chances are good he is living with her and they have slept together, let's not be naive this is not grade school, right?<P>Next thing to do is figure out why that bothers you so much more than the rest- there is something very puzzling about that to me.<P>Stick with Plan B- don't hurt your chances for recovery- there is no combo plan- this is not Burger King, lol. Although if he were to suggest running away- hell I might think that might be a great idea.<P>Hang in there and think it through. You are going to be ok one way or another.<P><BR>

I guess I'm used to the ups/downs and the pain and deception that goes along with it, been dealing with it for 2 years now. I'm not used to him being interested in other women.<P>My biggest fear has always been that my H will find someone else he likes better. I have very low self-esteem. I was always the one that could satisfy him sexually, I was the only one that ever touched him in that way and it was VERY special to me. It really bothers me that someone else can fill those shoes, that he could bring himself to do such a horrendous and hurtful thing to me. When we were first going out I was very jealous of other women, then I got very comfortable with my H and was no longer jealous because I felt safe.<P>My line has always been him sleeping with someone else. He's always known this and always done just enough not to cross the line. Now it's like a challenge... I did it, so what are you going to do.<P>Maybe that is my problem??<P>You are right, I don't know where he lives. He's not living with her, but I'm sure they see each other often and she probably stays at his place. He insists that nothing is going on now, that it is on hold, and he does it in such a way that I find it hard not to believe him. This is why I am being naive, to be realistic is to accept that he can look me in the eye and lie straight to my face. That is very difficult.<P>In reality the truth will probably be that nothing happened until he moved out, then he did, felt horrible about it all, tried to blame it on me when it was really himself who he was mad at (this happened last weekend for no apparent reason at the time), and now they are not together while he figures things out. So technically, he has not lied about it... This is what I'm expecting.<P>I know I am being naive about alot of things, but it is hard not to when your H is looking you in the eyes and telling you things are not happening that you would expect, along with details and reasons why they are not happening. I guess it is what I want to hear so I believe it.<P>I am so confused. I hate waiting to find stuff out, and he knows it!<P>Is it at least a good sign that he wants to come clean of the whole thing?<P>I've decided that if he does tell me it went PA that I am filing for seperation. He can go off and do whatever he wants, leave me alone. If he decides I am special, I am important, he can't live without me - then he better try his damndest to get me back and it will take alot of work. Otherwise, too bad for him - go take off and leave for New Mexico or something. I'm done trying to get him back.<P>There. Now I feel better, I have a plan and I won't be mean or anything when/if he tells me. I'll just be hurt and try not to show it. Make him think.<P>I am so weird, I get all worked up over this thing and I don't even know for sure if it's what he's going to tell me! I just need to be prepared.<P>Thanks for listening to me.

Agree with Cali - and if you remember, I was preparing myself for some 'bad news' last week - and it never came? But I know how you feel, it's horrible waiting and worrying.<P>You are right to want to be prepared - forewarned is forearmed so they say, and you are in a strong position. Only you can control your emotions, so try and work on that. Write down possible replies to him, meditate, pray, keep telling yourself that you are filled with Grace and have the ability to cope with whatever he throws at you with calmness, level-headedness and logic. Keep reminding yourself that things could be worse. When he talks to you, try and stay calm - you can always come here to vent afterwards, punch the hell out your pillow, scream etc., when he's gone!<P>Good luck, and keep on with those deep breaths...<P>hugs, Paint.

I think your being naive is going to hurt you more in the end if you find out that all that you are making yourself believe about your H is not true. I hate to keep being on the negative side here, but the first thing that a BS spouse learns is to keep your expectations LOW during this confusing time. You believe that your H is not living with OW, u believe that he has not had sex with her because he told you so and you said he looked you in the face and said this. Can I ask how you found out about the affair? Was your H honest as soon as the affair began? If I remember correctly, OW was due back in town this month. Affairs are about lies and secrecy and how to keep them ongoing with more lies and secrecy. You have lost sight of the fact that you are not dealing with the man you married, but an ALIEN person. And until he can come clean about address, OW and where he is emotionally you are in no way closer to getting the man you married back. You went to Plan B for a reason, so that your H will realize what his lies and actions are REALLY DOING, so that he can come to you with his cards on the table. This PlanA/PlanB thing is not going to work, u can't have it both ways, you have to make a choice in this too.

Hurtwife:<P>I agree with T2_4G in this. I have been very worried about your thinking things would work out more quickly then they probably will....that is one thing you will learn shortly...low expectations are very important...if you want to keep your sanity...otherwise WS can jerk you around without seeming to care. I know mine did. For instance, he would have a fight with OW then come to my house for sex...I think in revenge....after the first time I realized what he was doing and never let it happen again...but they can use us...in their "foggy" rationalization...it's alright...because they're confused...or upset with OW....or the sun came up....it's all the same....fog, fog, fog. <P>You have to protect yourself...because he won't do it for you now...he can't...he's too lost...and one way is by having low expectations...that way you are never floored by what happens....good or bad. In a way this is protecting the love you have for him so that he won't erode it away with his callousness. <P>Please don't make any quick decision about what you want to do...decisions made in anger are my greatest failings...they almost always are wrong. Take the time to decide...come here and post alot and get some feedback from some levelheaded MBs before you decide. All you'll lose is a little time. <P>Faye

Ugh. I'm going to have to wait until tomorrow at like 5am to find out what it is he's talking about. But he said today on the voicemail he left that it'll only take like 2 minutes... Now, one would think that if he was going to tell me about it going PA that this would take longer... Maybe I am anxious for nothing. But, alas I won't know for sure until tomorrow.<P>As you can tell, I'm very confused over what I am doing. I was fine for 2 weeks, doing plan B just fine, getting help, doing good for myself. Then my H started to want to talk to me and open up and I caved and broke plan B. We talked and stuff on Monday and now again tomorrow. And since he SAID on Monday he was not with OW I am not over-anxious to go back into plan B...<P>The talk I was expecting tomorrow is that he went PA and now doesn't know what to do, but not in 2 minutes, so once again I am confused...<P>So, I guess I am just waiting for something to happen to make up my mind whether or revert to a plan A, go back to plan B, or file something. I seem to be making such progress lately (him coming out of fog) that I hate to go back to plan B, but I am too low on love units to be in plan A...<P>So I just want to wait and see what happens over the next few days before I decide WHAT plan I'm in - if any...<P>But in the meantime I will assume he is having a PA, that he has been for months, and that he is going to run off with her, take the kids, and be happy. There that's about my worst nightmare, if I think that, then anything else he tells me will be cake to accept, right?<P>Will let you know what happens in the morning. Thanks all for your advice. Sounds like the general concensus is that I should change my name to naive.