I highly, highly recommend the book <BR>"Love Must be Tough" by Dr. James Dobson.<P>I rushed out and bought this book after a friend recommended it, and read it in one night and the next morning and it has helped me immensely.<P>I have been visiting this board for quite some time- since around early February of this year. I remember someone posting something to the effect that "If you had the chance to win a million bucks at the end of three months for just being a doormat, wouldn't you do it?" (Meaning, the million bucks is your marriage being saved.) <P>NO! You should not be a doormat! It doesn't work that way!<P>Read the book and you will learn why!<P>My prayers are with you all!<p>[This message has been edited by SONZS (edited June 20, 2001).]

I agree, it is a very good book. The one thing to remember about the technique is that it can not be a bluff. You must be of the mindset that prepares you for whatever the consequences might be. If your spouse calls your bluff you have to be prepared. <P>This is only my opinion<P>S&C

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR><B> I remember someone posting something to the effect that "If you had the chance to win a million bucks at the end of three months for just being a doormat, wouldn't you do it?" (Meaning, the million bucks is your marriage being saved.) <P>NO! You should not be a doormat! It doesn't work that way!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>SONZ-<P>I too read "Love Must Be Tough" in the last couple of days...and I agree with you to a point...<BR>several posters have advocated a combination approach of the Harleys and Dobson....<P>Depending on the state of your marriage before the A...how much you need to change...how much your spouse needs to feel that home is a 'safe' place to come back to...I think some level of plan A is necessary.<P>If my H had left right away, I don't think I would have gotten as far with him as I have...<P>We are still talking. We are still companionable. We have been intimate. I have been able to demonstrate the changes in me....<P>and, in return, now that he has made preparations to leave, while I am greatly saddened...I can be strong...I will probably still do a plan A---at least while I still see hope and still feel such love for him...if that changes...plan b here I come.<P>I am still being tough--I will not make it easy on him. He will have to do the explain to the children. He will have to make the extra efforts...<P>Take all that you know and apply it to the best of your own situation.<P>Cali<P>

The point is that there is no bluff to call because it isn't a bluff! <P>You rebuild yourself to knowing that you make it on your own, with God's help.

Hi Sonzs:<P>I like a lot of what Dr. Dobson has to say too, but I question whether his approach will work in some cases. Particularily in the marriages where there is definite conflict or dissatisfaction on the part of the WS. So he comes to you and tells you there is another OW and he wants to leave...or he vascillates for some time between you and her...you decide that you've had enough and tell him if he wants her he's free to leave...that you never made him marry you...that that was his free choice...yada, yada, yada.<P>Now if he is just having a fling...this approach will probably work and he will either not leave or leave and come back shortly. But if there are serious problems in the marriage then this might indicate to WS an unwillness to acknowledge those problems and the need to find a way to work them out...in other words, you're saying...."I don't need to change...you are the one making the mistake...I'll be here when you come to your senses"....Well, maybe he will or maybe he won't...but what's his incentive to come back...obligation maybe but not incentive. MB approach at least gives him the incentive...a changed BS. <P>I don't think you have to be a doormat...and a blend of Dobson and Harley is what I really believe is best....a calm steady BS...acknowledging and working on her own negative contributions to the marriage while letting her partner work his way out of his own dilemma. I quesss it really just the quick "No Plan A" that I find fault with.<P>I've done the crying, *****ing, moaning, etc...and from this point of view....Dobson is better, but MB is more likely to get permenant results.<P>Faye<BR><p>[This message has been edited by buffy (edited June 20, 2001).]

I loved Love Must Be Tough. All that I knew to be true in my marriage was gone and I felt lost. I became stronger. Dobson clearly states that these methods do not ALWAYS work, but in most cases where the WS is living in a fantacy land it can and will bring them back to the reality. I know I was told all the things an unhappy WS says. We are together today for the strength I acheived through God and the biblical answers I got from Dobson. Take what you can use and leave the rest.<BR>God Bless<BR>JUJU<BR>

Hi Sonz,<P>I agree. That book Love Must be Tough helped me a lot. I actually didn't finish it all (mine had 2 books combined) but I agreed with the concept. <P>The immediate benefit was the relief in pressure/stress that I felt. Not feeling responsible for H and his actions weighed more on my mind than I had realized. <P>Stepping back, refocusing on what I could control and needed to focus on allowed me greater peace of mind. The A issues were then put where they belonged with H. H did not juggle them well for long. People in the fog, don't like responsibility and accountability. The OPs begin to demand their equal share of time and energy (even money) and think they can begin to act like the 'spouse'. Oh yes, when OW was reminded by me that I was the one who was married to H (during her last phone call), she said that does not matter. <P>Go figure. Psyco fog head in the flesh....... Love must be tough because look who the H drags in. YUCK!!!<P>L.<BR>

excellent book! highly suggest reading this book.