Well, he left for one night, didn't call, didn't appologize, acted as if it were my fault he left me,I caused the whole entire mess! His opinion, not mine. (see other posts). He spent all day yesterday trying to get me to beg him to come home...which I didn't do. Said he was "trying to decide whether or not to come home." He was waiting for something from me. Dunno what that something would be though. The long and the short of it is, he came back.<P>I finally got the OW to quit yesterday (thank god) but of course my H says I've made him lose his friend and employee. When he finally retrieved his belongings and came home, he was VERY cold, didn't give me any comfort for the distress he caused me ect.... <P>I'm not playing his games anymore. He chose not to meet my emotional needs, and he chose to keep the OW as a friend, but his attitude is, it's up to ME to fix it! What do I do now? I'm of half a mind to just pack up and leave.<P>Cyn

LilHick it sounds like you and your H are both equally stubborn (sounds like me and my H). But it is obvious that you BOTH are not having your needs met. You know that H was waiting for you to say/do something in order for him to come back home, but instead your pride prevented you from showing your spouse the love you say you have for him. I know you are fed-up with your WS actions, we all are, but I honestly don't know what it is you are looking for us to tell you. We have suggested Plan A, but it doesn't work fast enough for you. You want H to leave or you want to leave but insist you want your marriage. You are both the WS, just because you had a 1 night stand does not make your affair any better than your H, yes his actions may differ from you, but you still made the same choice that your H did and that was to put another b4 your mate. You both have wronged your marriage. Instead of asking us WHAT DO I DO NOW? Ask yourself what it is you REALLY WANT? What do you want to be to your H? What do you want your H to be to u? Maybe that is where you should start.

First...yes we both wronged the marriage. I have had NO contact with the OM period since BEFORE discovery.<P>Second...my H has been in daily contact with the OW for 2 years....discovery was 6/30/99.<P>Third...I implemented plan A....2 years ago. (I should have gone to plan B earlier)<P>Fourth....Have requested that the OW depart from our lives, my H disagreed. When requests were ignored completely, I told him to choose between the OW and myself. He reacted badly, told me that was unfair ect.<P>When I reached the end of my rope and explained that I was doing my part in the recovery, but he wasn't doing his part, that I needed him to be an equal partner in recovery...to get the OW out of our lives permanently. HE LEFT. I did not tell him to leave, he left because he didn't want to hear me give that ultimatum...I was "b****ing." THAT is why he left, now he is playing his cold little mind games with me and blaming me for it. It's MY fault the OW quit, it's my fault for everything according to him. I will take my fair portion of the blame and do everything in my power to rectify my mistake.<P>What I was ASKING in my post is....NOW WHAT. What do I do now? Leave or stay? I wanted someone else's advice, I wanted some input from people in my situation....was I wrong in posting here? Am I wrong in thinking this is the purpose of this forum? Are others allowed to seek advice and I'm not because I was ONCE a WS? <P>Forgive me for having feelings too, just like the rest of the people here, I am trying to save my marriage with very little help from my H. <P>Cyn<BR>

You misread my post Mrs. I in no way said u were not welcomed here, but you are giving mixed messages...saying in one post you want the marriage, then the next you want to pack up and leave, if you were just venting and didn't mean it then that's fine too. You guys have never truly been honest with yourselve's. You have kept this secret from OW's H, they have kept there friendship going, you have Plan A'd, etc and yet for 2 years you are in the same place as where you first started. When you keep doing the same things over and over again with the same outcome, then it is time to try something New. You have enabled your H in his cheating by keeping the affair a secret from OW's H and by not settling for anything less than NO CONTACT between H and OW. You have helped to protect there fantasy world and now H is upset because you are finally trying to get this thing back under control. Problem is this has been going on for so long that it has become the norm, now H thinks you are trying to rock the boat of a normal situation that worked for him. I think the fact that the OW finally quit is a start. But the secrets, enabling and helping to keep secrets must stop.

I think you misunderstand. I have mixed feelings about telling the OW's H. She should tell him herself, there are a lot of opinion's on that, but due to his psychotic behavior, I did not want to risk him coming to my house with a gun... Her marriage isn't my problem right now.<P>I love my H dearly, I would not have put up with all this otherwise. I want my marriage, however I do not want the coldness and bitterness he gives me. He does not give me emotional or physical support. I do all that I can to meet my husbands needs. The only need of my husband's that I have not been willing to meet is the need for him to keep her in his life.<P>I have been trying to get my H to get rid of OW without implementing plan b...circumstances have prevented me from leaving my home.<P>We own a small family business, I do not take a pay check, I do not have money to go out and rent an apartment. I do not have anyone in my family that has room to spare for myself and 2 children. One sister has 2 other roommates, another sister is married and between her and her spouse, they have 5 children. <P>I COULD NOT implement plan b, and I did not want to throw my H out of our house....how was I supposed to support my children? I am currently searching for a job in a city that is an hour away. ( we live in a small town) so that I can implement plan b myself. I am trying everything I know to do the right thing here. I was just venting, and needing some support.<P>Cyn

LilHick,<P>Good for you! How on earth did you get her to quit? It's easy to see why your WH is upset... you ruined his little party. He is going to be angry for a while but you did what you had to do. Since she was working in your business, she was almost like having her in your home every day. Totally unacceptable. <P>Please realize that WH and OW might still continue their relationship elsewhere. But at least it will not be under your nose.<P>As to what you should do now? You are pretty angry right now. I think that the reaction is very appropriate.. so feel it and be there for a bit. Then us that anger as a motivation for the next step. Control it, don't let it control you.<P>The purpose of plan A is to start filling your h's emotional needs while trying to get him to agree to no contact with OW and while negotiating a recovery plan for your marriage. <P>Rigth now, as angry as you are, you are going to have to be the one who set the tone for your recovery. You finally got the OW out of your business, if you now throw a huge anger tantrum, you are going to throw that victory away. <P>My suggestion to you is that you tell your husband that you want a good marriage with him more then anything in the world. But that you only want it if he is 100% commited. Perhaps give him the Surviving an Affair book to read. The give him a time frame that you can live with ... 1 day, 1 week, 1 month. <P>You can use those days to decide where you want to go with this. But you are too upset to make any decisions today.<P>Does this make any sense?<P>Z<BR><P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

Thank you so much Z,<P>You've been a great help to me these past couple of months. I suppose the reason I'm so angry is the lack of communication on my H's part. I read another post earlier about husband's and wives having nothing to talk about..I emailed that to my H. I will email this thread to him as well.<P>He's withdrawn his affection over my refusal to keep quiet about needing help and having the OW gone. OW quit btw after I came to the store and threw a hissy fit. (I'm not very proud of that) Hubby had left me the night before because of my b*****ing, and I just HAD to stop at the store to tell her what I thought of her. I suppose this finally got her to quit. It's put us in a hard position now, needing to find a replacement, so hubby is pretty upset about it. But it's worth it to have her gone from here.<P>All I want from this marrriage is a happy, loving husband who cares for my needs as much as I care for his. His needs being:<P>1. my happiness <BR>2. my enthusiasm about our marriage<BR>3. for me to quit B****ing.<P>Now to me it seems he could have had these things a long time ago if he had been willing to "do the right thing." Anway, you are correct, I'm very angry right now, and I will not do anything until I simmer down \ It's hard with this much resentment, but I'm trying. <P>I read your post about finding outside interests in the thread I mentioned earlier, (Barnes & Noble) I was born in Albuquerque <P>Thanks again Z,<P>Cyn<P>