Hello to all of those out there in a world of pain and confusion, My name isnt importantbut my story i think is and i would greatly appreciate any open suggestions to the one of many my many problems I have with my spouse<P>Heres My Story...............<BR>Around 7 months ago i had an EA with a coworkers wife the compaionship i found in her was everything that it once was with my W where that companionship went, what crack in our relationship it slipped through ill never know but its gone and was one of the reasons i was lead astray<BR>after 3 months of the Ea i finaly had no choice but to confess to my W . which has been serveral months now and still the problems persist to huant me and my W and now im to the point im giving up on everything and i know this isnt the right thing to do but im lost here and dont know where im going ive tried explaining to my wife the things i need from her but all i hear are about the thing i dont give her well as i also try and explain to her i cant give those things till my few problems are solved out fixed or whatever we will call it <BR>Now today is like d-day all over again as the months have gone on i become more and more concered for OW but yet i stive everyday from going to see her or call her i dont want her but i miss the companionship that i had with her i would like to get this companionship back with my W but i dont ever seeing that happened ( not that i deserve it after what i did ) I love my W with all my heart ( even though she doesnt see it I do ) i hope when she reads this it makes more sense to her than when im trying to tell her in person but i think the time has come in our relationship where its either one way or the other and at theis point and time with the way things are going im ready to take the other

<BR>Hello and Welcome to Marriage Builders!<P>First, I would like to share two links with you. Just click on the underlined links here, and read –><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi10_tour.html" TARGET=_blank>Tour of Marriage Builders</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome</A>. <P>Please read everything you can on this site, post and read often!! <P>I have been betrayed and betrayer, so I have the dubious honor of knowing what infidelity does from BOTH SIDES of the situation. <P>I believe in the concepts espoused here, if applied properly. One idea that has worked *wonders* for some couples is Plan A. Read about it here –><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>What Are Plan A and Plan B</A>.<P>Use what you learn here to make your marriage a safe place where you do your best to meet the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A> of your spouse,and avoid <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A> whenever possible. . When a decision must be made, use the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>POJA</A> to determine the final outcome that you can both agree upon.<P>Many couples find that counseling is VERY helpful, and the counseling provided here is excellent for several reasons; but the most important is that it goes along with the concepts here. Check it out here –> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counsel Link</A><P>Again, welcome to our community, and feel free to write often and ask lots of questions!<P><B>About your post</B>:<P>Well, the two things that lept out at me are these...<P>One -- Congrats on wanting to work on your marriage and staying out of OW's life (so far so good)...<P>Two -- you can't ask for much from your W right now, as far as her meeting your needs. She can't right now, she is too hurt. <P>You are here, so you want to work on your marriage -- try meeting your W's needs and see if she, in turn, will want to meet yours. Do you know what your W's needs are? Print out the questionairre for both of you, look into the counseling offered here, and...<P>...again, welcome to Marriage Builders.<P><P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>And we know. We who have seen. ~Pellegrino

WelcomeLOR2,<P>It is great that you are here and wanting to work on your marriage. I agree, read everything on this site that you can. I am firmly convinced that one person can often change a marriage. It isn't fair that you have to make the first move, but it isn't fair that your W was hurt by your EA, but it wasn't fair, etc., etc. Not much in this situation is fair, but the truth of the situation is that probably neither one of you was meeting the other's emotional needs and both of you were probably about equally unhappy in your relationship, you just had the opportunity to do something about it. Thank God that you did not go further and let it become a PA as well.<P>I wish you all the best and a restored marriage.<P>MJ

I am not going to comment on this post being as it belongs to my H and my advice is the last he wants to hear<BR>but i do want to mention my own post so you all can take a look at both sides (see: my heart hurts GQII) <BR>also note to H: I love you and i want our marriage but you dont want to let me in to be your companion<BR>love,<BR>LUV<p>[This message has been edited by LuvOnTheRox (edited June 20, 2001).]

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LoveOntheRox2:<P>You say you came here for help with your marriage. I am going to assume for the moment that you really mean that. I am also going to assume that both you and your wife told the truth in your posts. It seems that you did because your stories sound the opposite side of the same coin.<P>re: "i cant give those things till my few problems are solved"<P>What are these few problems that you have to solve before you will work on your marriage? It is a two way street. <BR> Both of you say that you are trying but the other is not giving. What specific things have you been doing to improve your marriage? What has your wife been doing/not doing to improve the marriage? You will not get anything from you marriage and your wife until you start giving to her. <P>She says in her post that she tried to spend hours with you the other day but you were on the computer and kept saying later. What is your side to that story? Why could you not give her some time? Her love bank with you will never be filled until you give her the time and opportunity to do so.<P><BR>re: "i was lead astray"<P>You were not lead astray. You choose to stray. And it sounds like you are taking that path again with "Brat". And then you have the audacity to tell your wife that she is being unreasonable to be worried about it? Where do you come off with that? Why do you think she has to tolerate your having inappropriate relationships with other women? Are you just trying to hurt her? Why do you yell at her when she tries to talk to you about things? <P>I am sorry if I seem harsh here but I'd put you out on the porch if you were my husband and treated me that way. And please realize that I do care, that is why I'm taking my time to respond here and help you figure out what is going on and how to approach this. <P>Please take the advice given about reading, "Surviving an Affair" and all the material on this site. I also think that you and your wife would benefit from some counseling with the folks here at MB. <P>It sounds like the two of you really do love each other. But you are both in terrible pain and cannot find the way back to each other. The material on this web site will give you the road map back. <P>This site is also about tough love. So get tough and love your wife. So what if you have to make the same move. Be tough and DO IT. Be a man and reclaim your wife and your marriage.<P>As for the other women. These are married women. Are really that selfish a man that you are willing to particiate in the distruction of their families too? These women need to be working on their marriage. As long as you give them an outlet they will not have to face their own deamons and their marriages.<P>Z<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

We're talking man-to-man here, so I'll cut through the BS. You asked for suggestions. I know I'll get flamed, but here goes: <P>>> Around 7 months ago i had an EA with a coworkers wife <P>This was a major low-character move in my book. You betrayed your wife and co-worker in one act. <P><BR>>> the compaionship i found in her was everything that it once was with my W where that companionship went, what crack in our relationship it slipped through ill never know but its gone and was one of the reasons i was lead astray<P>Come on fella, don't pin this on her. She may have been a complete insensitive @^$i%^$ in every sense of the word ... but, your the one who cheated ... and you were not lead astray like some helpless dog on a leash ... you made a conscious decision to risk it all for the wild excitement of a fling. I understand the temptation. <P>>> after 3 months of the Ea i finaly had no choice but to confess to my W . <P>Major mistake (IMO). You should have taken your secret to the grave. <P><BR>>> giving up on everything and i know this isnt the right thing to do but im lost here and dont know where im going ive tried explaining to my wife the things i need from her but all i hear are about the thing i dont give her well as i also try and explain to her i cant give those things till my few problems are solved out fixed or whatever we will call it <P>Huh?? Now that the cat's out, just own up to what you did, w/ straight honesty. You screwed up big-time, you fell in to tempatation. It's important (IMO) to make a committment not to ever repeat the offense. If you can't make that committment, you should do her the favor of cutting it off, taking the blame, and allowing her some dignity. <P><BR>>> Now today is like d-day all over again as the months have gone on i become more and more concered for OW but yet i stive everyday from going to see her or call her i dont want her but i miss the companionship that i had with her i would like to get this companionship back with my W but i dont ever seeing that happened ( not that i deserve it after what i did ) <P>You need to figure out which plate you want to eat from and move forward. Keep in mind, eventually (probably sooner than you'd believe) that new plate of food is going to become familiar and routine, just like the old one. <P><BR>>>> I love my W with all my heart ( even though she doesnt see it I do )<P>To be honest, you may truly love her as you describe. But, what you're doing to her (and your kids, if you have any) is VERY destructive and unhealthy. <P><BR>>>> i hope when she reads this it makes more sense to her than when im trying to tell her in person but i think the time has come in our relationship where its either one way or the other <P>Couldn't agree more. <P><BR>>>>and at theis point and time with the way things are going im ready to take the other <P>Just another warning (you can take it or leave it). Taking the "other" option is asking PAIN, PAIN, and more PAIN. I predict you will regret that choice someday. My I suggest a 3rd option: decide what you will with your current wife/family. If you decide to opt-out, do it as mercifully and clean as you can (while keeping teeth firmly on tongue). Then, take a few years dating around and find someone more compatable. Try the "strong foundation" approach. <P>Good luck. <P>OK, Flame-away!

No flames from me, but I disagree with the "take it to the grave" part.<P>One significant act you can perform to demonstrate your devotion to your wife, if you're sincere, is to break all contact with the OW, apologize to her H, and change jobs. Anything less won't work. Simply put, you need a big juicy piece of humble pie - and lick the plate. I hope you do it.<P>WAT

Keith101,<P><BR>RE: "Major mistake (IMO). You should have taken your secret to the grave. "<P>This is a common believe. And it is one that I subscribed to before reading the MB material. As much as the knowledge of my H's affairs hurt me, with out that knowledge I would not have understood some of his behaviors. We would not have grown as much as a couple and individually because we could not have even known what the real problems were. I am now a firm believer in total honesty.<P><BR>Have you read the material on this web site and the book Surviving an Affair? The MB phylosophy is radical honesty in a marriage. <P>Any secrets or dishonesty between a couple can only lead to more secrets and dishonesty. It is felt that brining EVERYTHING out in the open allows a couple to deal with the issues at hand.<P>z<P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

<BR>RE: "Major mistake (IMO). You should have taken your secret to the grave. "<P>This is a common believe. And it is one that I subscribed to before reading the MB material. As much as the knowledge of my H's affairs hurt me, with out that knowledge I would not have understood some of his behaviors. We would not have grown as much as a couple and individually because we could not have even known what the real problems were. >>>><P>I myself am torn on this. I often wish I had never known about the A. I would have had suspicions, but I think that would have been good enough. Just his behavior during the A brought the problems out into the open (mainly his depression). He also realized what a conflict avoider he is.So even if I had never "known" for sure all of those things would have been dealt with. We would be at the same place we are now, but I would have a lot less pain to deal with. The source of my greatest everlasting pain are the unwanted details that the OW insisted on giving me. They made NO difference at all in our relationship or recovery, they just hurt me more. I also have a MW friend who had an affair years ago. If her H had ever known he would have divoced her for sure, no doubt. That is the one thing he never would have tolerated. But they rebuilt their marriage (once again, her behavior brought the problems to the surface) and are very happy. If she had been totally honest they would be divorced. If her H found out now (which is highly unlikely) I think the fact that they have had 10 very good years since would be a definite factor and he would stay. So it depends on the couple involved IMO.

ok all what do you do when H doesnt want to plan A ? when he doesnt want to stop (temporarily) talking to bad influence friends? this is including Brat who H wil lnot tell that i am upset over the pet names issue.<BR> <BR>Im open for suggestions <BR>thanks all <BR>Love,<BR>Luv<p>[This message has been edited by LuvOnTheRox (edited June 21, 2001).]

just bumping

Well, I've been on the both sides of the coin myself...all I can say to you LORII, you are slowly killing your wife's feelings, day by day, inch by inch with every harsh word. With every disdainful look ect.<P>How would you feel if your wife implemented plan B and threw you out for good until you could "decide"? Pretty bad, and I agree with Z on this...YOU chose to stray, no one MADE you. Start thinking with your head man...personally IMO I don't believe in EA, they will most ALWAYS lead to a PA given time. I just hope you've been totally honest with your wife.<P>Pardon me for seeming angry, I've BEEN in your situation, it's the most damaging thing you can do to your relationship. Turn around and HUG your wife, SHOW her you care for her, tell her you love her, don't expect her to just "know" it.<P><BR>I hope and pray that you two will work out your differences, however, it's time for you to WAKE UP man!<P>good luck,<P>Cyn

Hi Loveontheroc2:<P>You've already been raked over the coals pretty good, huh.<BR>But you know you deserve it. Man, you're not trying.<P>My WH is just like you...although he had actually PA on and on for 5 years....he doesn't want her either, but he's not willing to give up the companionship he gets from her to recommit to his marriage....and it's hard to reconnect with a person who's loyalties are not really with you. <P>Basically, it's selfishness...or inability to make a choice...and stick with it...whatever the reason....it's hurtful on all sides to continue in limbo. WH won't let go of OW...you won't let go of the idea that companionship is only possible with OW....that's nonsence....it just means you want to maintain the idea of OW in the background.<P>I've sat in the same seat your wife has...watching WH play games endlessly on the computer or mindlessly watching TV....and then have him say "What more can I do?"...when the only one doing anything is me. And I have to work around the tremendous roadblock that OW is...ever present in his mind...blotting out all real opportunity for me to reconnect with him. I'm being told that we can work on our marriage but it must be while he is still seeing OW...what a handicap....not really fair....not when he knows that he doesn't want OW in the long run....again it's just selfishness...feeding his ego for a little longer.<P>Sorry, I'm fed up with him today...so I guess you struck a sour note with me....but that's the way I see it and I hate to see someone else in the same situation.<P>I am assuming that you have just not given enough thought to the implications of what you are doing, as I respect the fact that you are here trying to fix things. Please listen to these helpful voices because they really are trying to get you to here what is in your best interest.<P>No way would my WH ever come here...he may be able to lie to himself but he knows better and would never risk being told he was wrong. So I congratulate you for your courage. <BR> <P>Faye<BR>

Loveontheroc2:<P>Yes we have blasted you pretty bad and maybe we should not have because it may have scared you away. Actually I'm impressed that you posted here at all.<P>There are times when each of us needs to hear the harsh truth about what we are doing. I know that I've been there before. One thing I've come to realize in life is that the last thing I need are fiends who agree with me all the time. They mindlessly node their heads at every stupid thing and I and let me hang myself. Instead I have come to love and charish those friends who challenge me. The ones who love me enough to give me a kick in the butt and a swat along the side of the head when I need one. And my friend, right now that is what you need. You are about to distroy yor marriage. <P>I know that your marriage is in trouble. I know that you are in pain. Your wife is too. Neither of you can fix this alone. You have to do it together. <P>The principles tought on this websit will help you do exactly that. I know from experience that you can rebuild your marriage, you can fall head over heals, romantically in love with your wife again, you can again find her your best companion. Just follow the road map set on this web sit. Start by reading the book "Surviving An Affair" and all of the matierial here. <P>Perhaps you need more feed back from the men on this forum. Some of them have been WSs and some have the BSs. They are more then willing to talk to you from a man's perspective. My husband (WS) has posted on this site as SeenTheLight. You may find it useful to read his posts. You can search on his name to find them.<P>We hope to see you here again. Don't let us scare you away.<P>Z<P><P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

iasked H why he posted here if he wasnt going to come back and read what advice people gave........ his response was.....i did it for your benefit.<BR>whats that suppose to mean he still doesnt seem to want to try.<BR>We have a 1 year old and im 5 months pregnant... He seems to me to be willing to through it all away because....I cant/wont forgive him.<BR>And to be honest until he sees what he did as wrong and actually show some remorse for the crap hes pulled then no i will not forgive him. right now all i have for him in this respect is amosity. He dont try and he dont want to......

LOTR, how do you believe that your marriage will get better by holding onto the notion that you will try to work on marriage when you feel your H BEGS FOR FORGIVENESS and ACTS like you want him to. That is not Plan A.

LoveOntheRox:<P>His posting was for your benefit? How on earth did that benefit you? To let you know that he is not willing to try? You already know that. <P>Your husband's attitude sounds so much like my ex-husbands. Notice the "ex" part. It is impossible to continue a relationship with someone who does not want to work on the relationship. But you knew that already.<P>Have you thought of printing this thread and your others out and giving them to him to read?<P>Have you started reading the material on this web site yet and the book Surviving an Affair? Before you make any decisions please do that. You may also want to consider some counseling with the Harley. The phylosophy tought on this web site does really work.<P>Z

trying2<BR>I may have been misinturpreted in my statement. I have plan Aed and a plan A/B combo of my own making since DDay 7 months ago. I am not saying that i wont work on our marriage til he shows remorse...... cause i have been working Alone....... 7 months now i am simply stating that in my heart i will not be able to forgive him until he understand how he hurt. note to all before H's Post the other day he refused to call it an affair. and i just dont feel that he should be forgiven until he knows and understand that what he did was wrong to me and our family.<P>Z,<BR>H would see it as Pressure if i printed these threeads for him to read.... i have tried many aspects to get him to help me help us... however apparently im still not trying the right one. cause he still doesnt seem to want to try..<P>Note to all I am officially claiming this post for myself since H doesnt want it anymore.<BR>

I always seem to be in the wrong thread at the wrong time.<BR> <P>I posted over <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/009788-2.html" TARGET=_blank>here</A><BR>------------------<BR>Prayers, Hugs, and Strength from both of us. Things do and can get better. Keep hoping, learning, and growing. Take care of yourself.<P>[H] and Knewjie<p>[This message has been edited by [H] (edited June 22, 2001).]