LOTR:<P>It is hard to forgive in the face of no acknowledgment that what he did was wrong....but if you've been here long enough you probably find that that is not unusual...a lot of WS want to forget about it and just put in the past....without ever apologizing for the hurt they've caused. If you continue to make it the issue in whether you forgive or not then your marriage may be destined to fail. <P>You may have to make the leap to forgive for yourself and move on....and it in I think he may come to voluntarily admit his guilt and remorse. Right now it may be standing in the way of progress....you're holding out for his acknowledgment and he's holding OW in his mind because he doesn't know if you will ever forgive and both of you have the marriage you need. <P>I think you're both trying to reconnect with each other...but there is so much debris in the way that you can't reach each other. Sure he's wrong and he's not trying and I'm sure you feel like you've been doing all the work. This may be one more time you have to swallow your indignation and do what is best for the marriage. It's not right and it's not fair...but it may be necessary.<P>I tend to deal with the way things are...not in the way I wish they could be....this is the way things are right now and I will have to work with that.<P>Faye

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by buffy:<BR><B>.a lot of WS want to forget about it and just put in the past<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>H will talk about how he feels about his affair and our marriage with everyone but me.<BR>This i might add is what started his Ea to begin with <P>he says he cant talk to me.<BR>not that im not here to listen he just CHOOSES other people be it OW or his so called friends<BR><B> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>You may have to make the leap to forgive for yourself and move on....and it in I think he may come to voluntarily admit his guilt and remorse. Right now it may be standing in the way of progress....you're holding out for his acknowledgment and he's holding OW in his mind because he doesn't know if you will ever forgive and both of you have the marriage you need. <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>H will be very remorsful on day and very defensive the next...... this is what i have a problem with he is either remorseful and wants to work on our marriage or he doesnt<P><BR><B> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>This may be one more time you have to swallow your indignation and do what is best for the marriage. It's not right and it's not fair...but it may be necessary.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>ive swallowed enough to last a lifetime<P>i cant do anymore than i am .... i need his help now<BR>i also told him that right now i need him more than ever before<BR>his reply was to shrug and turn away<BR>going downhill fast<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by LuvOnTheRox (edited June 22, 2001).]

I have the same problem. I want to forgive my WH and move on as well, but I'm convinced that he's only remorseful about being caught. He recognizes that he's hurt me and caused damage to the family, but is not remorseful about his choices. I have a real problem with this as I've realized that it is an on-going "thing" with him. He just doesn't see how important that is to me. <P>I know it gets in the way, but if this is a real part of his personality, I don't want to have to deal with it again, the next time he "errs" (not just in regards to having an "A"). I truly believe that he should feel the need to "make it up to me". He just wants to move on. Aargh. It's an impasse.<P>Now words of wisdom or advice, just compassion. <P>-- The Hat

don't pine away...<BR>focus on the things to change today.<BR>changes in yourself is plan a.<BR>strong and hopefully hopeful as always<BR>set backs come and bring disaray.<BR>try not to let that get in the way.<P>Aeon Blue

baseballhat,<P>H is like a thief.............. <P><B>hes not sorry he got caught but terribly sorry hes going to jail for it......... <BR>~Rhett Butler</B><P><BR>thats the best way i can describe it<P><BR>Aeon,<BR>Beautiful as always you have real skill keep using it<p>[This message has been edited by LuvOnTheRox (edited June 22, 2001).]

<B><BR>He recognizes that he's hurt me and caused damage to the family, but is not remorseful about his choices<BR></B><P>If he recognizes and is remorseful about hurting you. How can he then not be as a result remorseful of his choices?<P>------------------<BR>Prayers, Hugs, and Strength from both of us. Things do and can get better. Keep hoping, learning, and growing. Take care of yourself.<P>[H] and Knewjie

[H]<BR>that wasnt my quote but the only way i can think of a slightly off track common sense answer would be the theory of they want thier cake and eat it too.

That's what I meant by debris...so much emotional baggage that keeps you from connecting with each other...I know...I feel the same....but this is a long standing problem that predates the A....so for the marriage to survive it has to be solved. A long-time problem complicated by additional debris from the A.<P>My WH has done the same...told his sister that his A was a mistake and how sorry he was...I never heard a word from him...so when he came back I waited and waited for him to do the work that was necessary to heal me....but he wasn't capable of doing it...because he didn't know how...and neither did it...so in time the A was on again. <P>With MB help I now know what needs to be done...he still doesn't but I can lead him...and he is responding...slowly of course...but responding...but it's taken reaching out again...and believe me I swallowed as much as anyone on this board in the years this has been going on...but if I can do it so can you. He's there, please try again.<P>I get discouraged too...this week has been bad...because OW is in town...but I know that that is ending...and progress will begin again soon. <P>We have never communicated well, but, you know, that has changed in the last few weeks, and I think it is a direct result of the efforts I have been making to acknowledge and show him how gratefully I am for his efforts at being more wiling to communicate with me. It means that a lot of things are not discussed...because the time is not right for those....start again from ground zero to build your commuications skills...as if you were new to each other...because in a way you are...you are both changed and the old skills were never that good anyway apparently...time for a change.<P>Concrete examples are hard, because for each marriage the priorities are different, but one thing I've learned is that I need to give more of myself to him and not hold so much in reserve. I used to think that when I communicated with him he basically just communicated on a "surface level" like you do with strangers. Now I don't know how most women feel about this but I feel I need a deeper connection with my partner to have a good sexual relationship with him...and that was a big problem in our marriage....and what he went looking for in the A. And he found a "soulmate"....well, I ask myself, how could he find a soulmate when he has no idea of how to communicate with anyone. I have since discovered that the problems was that connecting was a two-way street....and that in order for him to get deeper in his feelings I need to express some deeper emotions with him, too. This has taken a conscious effort on my part because I am such a self-contained person...but I have done it and I see him opening up a little. <P>What I'm trying to say is that we sometimes don't see our part in what is going on...we only see their mistakes and shortcomings. If we can see there all communicates is two-way then at least we can work on our side. Isn't it worth a new try?????<P><BR>Faye<P>

Well just so everyone knows i do feel remorse for what i did and i can only tell W im sorry so many times beofre the words is worn out as for my attitude and my outbursts i hold alot of emotions in and they build and build until they explode i live 2500 miles away from my family and friends on other hand W has family living in same house and next door and down the road she sees them everyday ( not complaining that she does) i lay here alot at night and i think would things really be different if i were closesr to home and i always come up with the same answer i dont really think they would i have a failed marrige already under my belt cause i could not keep ExW happy @ home and as far as the post about no contact with OW i havent seen her or spoken to her since they day i told W there are alot of things in my life that i wish i could do over and trust me if i had a choice this would have never happened but it did and i cant change that my emotional baggage will always haunt me thats just the way i am im not a talking person i dont have alot of friends but the few that i do listen when i do decide to talk <BR>all i want is to have the love trust and companionship back in our marriege i know that i detoyed the trust and damaged the love but the compainionship was gone before Ea somewhere it slipped through the cracks <BR>and as far as not telling W never happen i cant keep secrests like that for long conciounse wont let me

i cant spell either LMaO

LOTR2, it sounds like you are trying to place blame on everything/everyone & circumstances except where the blame belongs and that is with you and OW. If you lived closer to friends and family? WHAT.....COME ON NOW, u r reaching! And SAYING "I'm Sorry" means nothing if there are no ACTIONS to back it up. Stop the pity party of "Woes me, if only this, or only that" and be a man about it already.

ya know the hell with this forum everyone here is so negative (kinda understandable) but knowone wants to help all they wanna do is tell me how wrong i am in every post i make sory i dont need that i dont anyone to tell me what i did was wrong i already know it was wrong and as i said i can only say im sorry so many times before it means nothing

as i stated in first post for this topic im open for suggestions NOT CRITISIZIM!!

<B><BR>as i stated in first post for this topic im open for suggestions NOT CRITISIZIM!!<BR></B><P>With suggestions often come criticism. Be prepared for both. Why not take a better look at the criticism itself. I'm sure you'll see some helpful "suggestions / advice" in there. Maybe not what you want to hear, but it's wise none the less.<P><B><BR>ya know the hell with this forum everyone here is so negative (kinda understandable) but knowone wants to help all they wanna do is tell me how wrong i am in every post i make sory i dont need that i dont anyone to tell me what i did was wrong i already know it was wrong and as i said i can only say im sorry so many times before it means nothing <BR></B><P>Everyone here is so negative? You're kidding right? Just because a few folks flamed you for not doing the right thing you go one step further and "Generalize" the entire board; How sad. Why not take a broader look at the board, and you'll see what a postive place this is.<P>You can only say sorry so many times before it means nothing? Friend, I would give anything to keep saying sorry if I knew it would erase the pain I've caused my wife. I'll say it often, scream it from a mountain top if it helps. <P>Thats the difference, I am making changes to myself. I am owning up for my mistakes, I am saying the i'm sorrys, and what can I do to help, I am helping in anyway humanly possible to correct future behavior on my end. I am answering every question she wants to know. I dont consider this penance enough for what i've done, but I'll be damned if I let it stand in my way. <P>She's not asking me questions just to "Piss" me off. She's not being unfair and controlling with her requests. It's very simple to me. She and I both want to do whats best for us. So I am doing my part. She is doing her part. Together we are doing our part.<P>Think you might want to reevaluate your stance on what you're doing to help. I'll be happy to take your and (everyones) criticism on how I can better my marriage.<P>What are you waiting for? Look up my story. All the nasty things I said to my wife, all the rotten things I did. All my moments of weakness I spilled out on to the many pages here at MB.com use them against me. Then come back, and tell me how I can help my marriage succeed.<P>Oh thats right... I'm part of the solution, not the problem. I'm working on my marriage. You can too.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers, Hugs, and Strength from both of us. Things do and can get better. Keep hoping, learning, and growing. Take care of yourself.<P>[H] and Knewjie<p>[This message has been edited by [H] (edited June 26, 2001).]