Thanks for your continued words of encouragement!<P>I've decided to change my plan this week. Although my Plan B letter asked my WS to move out, perhaps I was not direct enough.<P>I plan on revealing what I know and once again ask my WS directly to move out. If she does not, I intend to try to create the "detached" existence mentioned by HbyH. This may require me telling our children at least something, since it will cause a change in our lives. This will be the most difficult part of all.<P>I have never thought of divorce as the easy way out - I went thru the logistics of that process a couple of months ago and because of my income level, stand to lose everything (and probably even our children due to my occupation). No "win" scenario that way, but I'm running out of options.<P>I'm waiting to hear from MB about counseling dates.<P>Just trying to hang in there, nowadays.<P>Please pray for us!!!!!

Today's a day of crossroads for me - have my counseling and wrote a new letter to WS (based on example in Dobson's book) letting "her go".<P>I really need prayers today!

Dear Spiritfilled:<P>IMHO, filing for divorce is very different than PLAN B.<P>If I remember correctly (and it's been a while for me-- now in recovery over 1.5 years), PLAN B is stating that you will no longer tolerate the WS's lovebusting behavior, but that you WILL BE THERE FOR THEM when/if they choose the marriage.<P>To me, divorce is "giving up"...final...THE END.<P>To me, divorce says, "I don't care anymore."<P>Good luck with your plans. I hope your wife "sees the light".<P>Peace, ~Marie<P>P.S. Not sure if I'm too late (possibly you've already sent your "Dobson" letter??)...but here's another version of the "setting your spouse free" letter:<BR>-------<BR>Dear Husband or Wife:<P>We've been through some tough times over the past xx months. My love for you continues to be strong and constant. To a person, like me, who expected to marry only once and to remain committed for life, it has been a severe shock to see our relationship unravel. <P>Nevertheless, I have done some intense soul-searching, and I realize that I simply cannot endure our current living arrangements any longer. Now is the time for action. I need you to make a decision for yourself: Stay and give our marriage 100%, or leave and do what you feel you need to do.<P>As I reflect on our courtship and first years of marriage, I'm reminded that you married me of your own free will. I did not blackmail you or twist your arm or offer you a bribe. It was a decision you made on your own. <P>I'm aware that I can no more force you to stay today, than I could have made you marry me. You are free to go if this is what you choose. I know that a divorce is wrong for ME-- because it is simply not what I want-- EVER. So, you should know that I will no longer initiate anything in that direction. If our marriage is to follow that fatal path, it rests on your shoulders.<P>Please know that if you decide to leave, I welcome you home, at any time. I will be here, receptive to reconciliation, when you are ready to commit to our marriage.<P>Love, xxx<P>(Parts of this came from a Gary Smalley book-- I rearranged some of the wording to "fit" what I wanted to say to my WS)<P>Again, my prayers are with you and your children. ~Marie<P>------------------<BR>I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. <P>The Bible<BR>Matthew 17:20<p>[This message has been edited by ohmy_marie (edited June 26, 2001).]

Hi, can I jump in this thread with a dilemma that's related, but with a twist? My WH and I have a joint project, so total separation and a "proper" Plan B isn't possible at this point. WH wants time to "think things out" (our whole story is elsewhere if anyone wants the details), says he is relatively certain he wants a D, but doesn't want to do something so final in anger, so wants a Legal Separation for a year, at which time if "either of us wants to move to a D, we agree that we will." I want neither a Legal Sep. nor D, but would move to Plan B now if I could.<P>Now, we have been through this exact scenario one year ago--when his EA was morphing into a PA. He demanded a D, then changed it to a Legal Sep., then we put it in reconciliation. I buckled under to his demands (under threats of all sorts from him) and did the filing, which makes me SICK. I told him at the time that I was not the one giving up on the M and I didn't want a public record stating that I, octavia, see there is "no hope of reconciliation" when I didn't believe that at all.<P>Post-D-day, he wanted to reconcile, but wasn't certain, and had major foggy difficulties ending the A. "Sort of" ended it briefly, and got it going again (hence my own desire to move to Plan B). Problem is, H demands the Legal Sep., but even in the event of D, wants us to continue to work together always. Wants us to continue to have contact...the only thing to change is that everything would be on his terms, and he is free of responsibility/committment to me or our M.<P>Should I tell him I, too, need a separation now, but a real, physical separation, with absolute minimal contact (i.e., only necessary correspondence regarding work and finances) and NOT a legal separation or D, and that if he wants to file and draw up a settlement, he can, but I'm not going to do it for him, against my own wishes?? Our situation is very complex because of the project, which is in another country, and I know the drawing up of the settlement alone would be so stressful, it would override any of the good that has begun to come out of my Plan A, and overshadow any of the thinking he might do if I move to Plan B.<P>Any advice appreciated, thanks, octavia99

OhMyMarie - It's remarkable how similiar your letter is to my own that I made up from Dobson's book! No, I haven't sent it yet - I have an appointment with Jennifer Harley tonite and I want to talk with her about my next move.<P>I'm still really struggling with serving divorce papers as I can't really seem to find any other way to "distance" myself from WS when she doesn't even acknowledge that things are different after receiving my Plan B letter. Living in the same house and maintaining a good face for the kids is <B>tough</B>.<P>Octavia99 - based on what I'm struggling with, I would push for a physical separation. Otherwise, it's too much of having their cake and eating it too - keeping you for the parts they need and maintaining distance for all else. I have found this too difficult since I gave WS my paln B letter.<P>Looking forward to talking with Jennifer...