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OM_M:<P>Yes, Dr. Glass' article was worth the read and very insightful, thanks for the link.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

Thanks Hearts Cry, STL, Zorwebb and OMM.....<P>I am having such a hard time- I read thru the article (printed it out actually) and I am finding it very interesting and insightful...I thought that I was progressing forward and for every one step forward, I end up taking 10 steps back- I'm SICK of it!!<P>Yesterday was such a horrible day- I cried myself to sleep, and woke up all night with bad dreams of him and his OW (plural)...<P>I know what prompted it too I think-<P>This past weekend was incredible- I was cold and detached from him upon his return from his business trip on Saturday afternoon- and despite that- he came to me and loved me....basically- we ended up having such a close, intimate, personal, passionate weekend!! It wasn't all just sex- it was the emotions- and his tenderness- for the first time in our entire marriage- I was expressing myself and not being stifled by his anger and hatefulness towards me!! Problem is-<P>IT SCARED ME TO DEATH!!!!!!<P>I realized that basically- I am so stinking vulnerable to this man, that I woke up Monday morning, and as soon as he flew out on business again, I became consumed with guilt and anger and grief at myself!!!<P>How can I protect myself from him? No one defended me these past ten years- the only defense I have is my self, and shutting myself off to him....<P>All I could think of last night was how a year ago in February, I laid so securely in his arms and told him how much I loved him, trusted him, and KNEW that he would never hurt me because we were so connected...As I lay there feeling so warm and cozy and SAFE for the first time in our whole marriage- what I DIDN'T realize, was that he was having sex with three other people then!!! Because of issues from my childhood, I had so much trouble just trusting- and then i FINALLY get to the point of being able to- and to find out he has cheated numerous times!!??? He never even said a word. I can't do this again!!! <P>I don't trust my own judgement, I apparently am easy to lie to and all of the decisions that I have made that I prayed about, took slowly, and thought were in the Lord's will for my life, ended up being HORRIBLE and brought me nothing but pain!!!<P>Thus- my lashing out yesterday, and the tears and the despair.....<P>How do I know that this won't happen again?<P>I read the article this morning with tears also- I printed it out and have re-read it twice, then I strengthened my resolve and told him, that barring the dealings we must have with the kids, I don't want to see him again or spend time with him...I'm too afraid to!!<P>It is the only way I can protect myself.....<P>He loves me know- and I have not stopped loving him- but I'm WAY TOO AFRAID to become vulnerable to him or anyone for a long while....<P>Thank you all for keeping this thread alive, for pulling from your own experiences and relaying them to me although i'm sure they cause you pain as you think back on them....<P>I appreciate your graciousness also, in possibly remembering me in your prayers? I am going to attempt to go to church again this next sunday- it will be the first time since I found all of this out, and it is in a new town in a new state, and I pray that I don't just fall apart at the altar <P>Thanks again!<BR>I'm going to recommend that article to an internet friend of mine who is struggling as well with this...<P>TLFM

I'm glad that so many of you found the article helpful.<P>I'm especially glad that TLFM responded back . <P>Peace, ~Marie

TLFM:<P>One day at a time, one prayer at a time.<P>Prayers for you,<BR>Godspeed,<BR>STL