Hi Lor,<P>On my last post-I left for home to file for separation or divorce. I didn't do it to shock him. I'm just someone who is not functioning well and it was my gut instinct to end the torture. I'm not sure what my H will do. I really don't trust him for even a second. Well, I can't say that, maybe about 25% of me trusts him. I am on my guard. But I feel like we are more able to talk now. I don't know if him ending the relationship is true, I feel it is because he has carried an enormous amount of guilt from the beginning. I only know now that my insides are not shaking, even tho I will never feel the same again.<P>There are some scars. He freaked when he realized I wasn't coming home and changed the locks and moved money in our bank account. My 7-year-old son just came up to me while I was typing and told me that dad told him last night that he doesn't have to worry any more. My H has a stronger soul-mate bond to his little boys than any OW, I think. What we need to do is become best friends again somehow, and he's already been talking of ways to do that.<P>Last night he came home for dinner! It's been so long since that has happened. He wants us to go on "dates". He wants to do "guy things" with the boys. He wants me to get involved in things that interest me like I used to. He wants us to do family things together. The hard part is he has such a stressful job with long hours, but he seems to be trying. I realize I'm about to enter the world of withdrawal from what I hear.<P>The only thing that bugs me is he doesn't want to go to a counselor. Our one and only visit to one was SO BAD that I almost don't want to either. His problem is time. He is always on call with his job (he got called again this a.m. at 5:00). If you have any advice on what steps we can take to restore communication without a counselor, I'd love to hear it because I really don't think it's going to happen. Besides it's not both of our styles to sit in a stranger's office and talk about our personal lives. I've always thought counseling or phychiatrists are BS and H is the same way. It's hard to get past that. I guess I'll have to keep an eye on how we are progressing or opening up to eachother - then maybe resuggest counseling if we're not making any progress.<P>MY PROBLEM IS I WANT IT DONE NOW! I'm not patient and it's due to my nerves.<P>Again, what I did was NOT to shake him up. I was dead serious, and was only talked out of it by my LAWYER for crying out loud. It's a wonder the guy makes any money if he's out trying to save marriages first!<P>God help my family and all the families on this forum. Thanks.

Hurt Bad --<BR> I'm not Lor, but I wanted to relate a similarity in our stories. After almost five months of no progress, I got to the same point as you. I filed for divorce. <BR>Amazingly, once W started talking to her attorney, he recognized that things might be hopeless and recommended joint counseling(which I had been asking for for months), she agreed, and her official response to my petition indicated that she disagreed that the marriage was "irretrivably broken" and requested the counseling. It was quite a surprise to me that her attorney would encourage that. I guess that there are still some honorable people in the world.<P>I know that there are obstacles, but joint counseling is a necessity. I hope his mind can be changed.

Kathleen,<BR>You said that Plan A didn't work and your post led me to believe that you thought the fighting and leaving accomplished this change in your H. I'm just saying fighting (although I'm prone to using it myself) leaves scars. As you know.<P>I know all about getting to that point of "NO MORE!" I've talked to a lawyer. I threw a DO-IT YOURSELF divorce kit at my H's head, so that he would file.<P>I want my marriage healed NOW as well, actually, I want it healed as of August 98--retroactive . My pastor told me at that point I would have to be "long-suffering". I said, "Oh, no, not me. I'm not going to suffer." Aw, how naive I was then.<P>Just because you got to this point, doesn't mean you have to stay there.<P>You don't have to trust your H right now. But if he wants a chance and the OW is out of the picture, give him the chance, but keep your eyes wide open.<P>The second counselor I found is great. There are good ones out there. And I have heard nothing but good about Steve Harley on this site. Is that an option?<P>How about a weekened marriage retreat, again this site offers them. Locally you probably have Retrovaille, but there is a time commitment with that, I believe.<P>I'm sorry if I came down hard on you. Plan A does work. Lovebusting does drain the lovebank. Plan A doesn't mean rolling over, belly up. It's just difficult to find the line between not lovebusting and being a doormat.<P>I wish you the best.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)<P>