My husband's affair was actually discovered 3 years ago come this February.Actually it will be Valentine's day.What a valentine's day......to find out your husband is having an affair.<BR>I will give you a little background first.<BR>We separated for 10 months after the affair happened.He says that it ended with her then and he had no feelings for her.Funny thing is,he lived with her for 6 months of our separation.Says they were just friends and he needed a place to stay."RIGHT".He always said nothing else was going on between them but I have never to this day believed that.<P>So,after the 10 month separation we decided to get back together and try to work out our marriage.I had such high hopes about this reconciliation.Things have not been at all what I would have imagined.This man came back a totally different person than the one I had known for 15 years.The lack of affection has been a very big issue.He hardly ever shows any affectuion towards me.Believe me when I say that sex is just not enough to show affection.Even when we do have sex it is different.There are things we used to do that we just don't anymore.Like I can't even remember the last time we kissed passionately.I understand that we won't be walking around kissing each other all the time or groping each other,but a passionate kiss once in a while or at least during sex would be nice.I have talked to him about this and all he can come up with is that the separation definitely mad him a colder person.Ok.....well the separation is over and we have been back together for 2 years now.Is he not happy?I have asked and he says he is where he wants to be.I have even tried to tell him I am over trying and he refuses to give up.So why the coldness and lack of affection?<P>The other issue here is that we don't ever do anything together anymore.We used to have our 2 kids go spend the night away and we would have a "date".I miss these times together.The last time the kids spent the night away we got in an argument because we couldn't agree on where to eat dinner.We ended up coming home and watching a movie sitting on opposite sides of the couch.I cherish the times we are able to spend together without the kids.He says I make too big of a production out of it and I set my expectations too high.What's wrong with looking forward to a night out alone with your husband once in a while?<P>The biggest issue of all is that during the 2 years we have been back together the OW has not left us alone.She has told me several tiems they are still seeing each other.She had a child and says it is my husbands.She took him to court and I was not able to go because of work.He say she did not show up.She later told me that he was the one that did not show up.Haven't heard anything else about it so I really don't know who is telling the truth here.I do know that she did list him as the father on the child's birth certificate.He says it is not his because he was not sleeping with her when she got pregnant.Of course.....what else would he say?The fact that I do not know if this is his child or not is driving me crazy.The fact that she has said for the last 2 years that her and my husband have still been together is driving me crazy.They still work at the same place and that is driving me crazy also.I do not know if all the changes that have occured in him are because of all of this.I do know there is this giant wall between us and it needs to be knocked down.I have stuck it out for 2 years and I have decided I need more in my life right now.<P>Question is.....how do I approach him with this without sounding threatening or blaming?Something has got to give here.I feel like he is my roomate not my husband.I know now that I deserve more than this.I need him to know that I need to find the closeness and the loving feelings we once had before the affair.We have beent to counseling and this was all brought up then.Things did not change much.<P>I have also told him if it is the OW he wants to be with that he has my blessing.He says he loves me and has no feelings for her and wants nothing to do with her.Who knows.<P>Any advice or thoughts anyone has would be greatly appreciated.I would like to have a heart to heart talk with him this weekend and I guess I just need a little guidance to get through it.Thanks for listening.<BR>Tammy

Welcome to this forum...<P>I see by your profile you've justed started to post. You've come to a very good place. There are wonderful people here... lots of ideas... and what most people find here is some emotional support they can't find <B>anywhere</B> else!<P>I read this post of yours.<P>I feel both good and bad for you...<BR>Bad because of the the apparent lack of progress... good because you have your H home... and without that contact it is virtually impossible to "build" your marriage.<P>You've said you've tried counseling... maybe what you need is a more "focused" kind of counseling... You might try to contact Steve Harley through the counseling offered through the Marriage Builder's site! For some it has really helped. We have seen countless posts on "bad" counselors... and counseling!!!<P>Getting you H active an motivated in MB is a tough job... if he really is still in withdrawal from OW (or worse still seeing her)... it's extra hard. If he <B>is</B> truely committed to your marriage... he needs to make the big step of a completely severing all things to do with OW... a job change may have to be a possibility!<P>Having both of you go through the "His Needs, Her Needs" book by Dr. Willard Harley is a very good step... H doesn't see your needs... and you maybe aren't understanding all of H's either.<P>You (perosnally) might find more help in "Surviving an Affair" also by Dr. Harley.<P>Read all the info on this site... articles... Plan A... concepts... etc.<P>Post often...<P>We're here to support...<BR>We're here to comfort... if that's what you need...<BR>We don't chastise too often...<BR>But we're definitely on the side of marriage.<P>Jim<BR>------------------<BR>I can dare myself... I'll put a pebble in my shoe...<BR>I can walk... I can walk! I shall call the pebble Dare...<BR>Dare shall be carried... And when we both have had enough<BR>I will take him from my shoe, singing... "Meet your new road!"...<BR>Finally glad... Finally glad... That you are here... By my side...

I would really encourage him to continue counseling. If you feel your present therapist is ineffective, keep looking until you find one you BOTH feel comfortable and confident with. It is encouraging that he tells you he loves you. Keep showing him the affection and eventually it will be returned Although my H and I are separated, he is showing me more affection now than he has during the last several years of our marriage. It is such hard work. For every step forward, there are several steps back. Hang in there.

Help?Anymore advice for this question.I am still losing it here.Thanks.<P><BR>Tammy<P>------------------<BR>

<small>[ January 24, 2005, 01:00 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

SWTTMY-<BR>I feel for what you are going through. My suggestion for this weekemd would be to be totally honest about your feelings with him. Talk to him about the emotional needs you you are missing. The affection, time alone, etc. Read this web site together with him. Communicate your feelings. He says he loves you- He should want to please you, right? Don't turn it into a demand session- just talk to him about how you feel. Try not to put him on the defensive- that will only end in disaster. Just be honest - another suggestion might be to plan a date with him- don't wait for him to do it- you do it. Plan the whole evening- tell him you have a surprise for him- take him to his favorite restaurant, where something special that you know he would like. Maybe he needs the same affection (and attention) from you. It couldn't hurt- and you'd have a good time. <BR>About the OW- I agree with Hanora- a blood test will tell you the truth. It may not be easy if it is his, but you can deal with that issue when the time comes. I would focus on building up eachothers emotional needs before debating on the OW and child. <BR>I found the emotional needs questionaire very helpful- print it out and see if the two of you can discuss the needs together- (make sure you each fill one out) <BR>These are my suggestions- hope this helps-Keep us all posted- we are all here to listen and help eachother- Take care-<BR>Moonbeam<P>------------------<BR>MAY WE ALL FIND PEACE, LOVE AND COMPASSION IN OUR WORLD(:

Hanora,<P>Thanks for responding.Yes,I know what he did.But it has killed me that I do not know if this child is his or not.Like I said he tells me that she is the one that did nto show up for court and he did.I still do not know who is telling me the truth.I checked into the courts records department and all court records are open to the public EXCEPT anything in the juvenile and domestic relations court.So......still left with the question.I fell if it is his child sooner or later it's going to come back and bite him in the a**.There are no strange things goin gon with our money so I do not think he is giving her any money.I really need to know the answer to this question.He does not feel the same.His reply is......"I know it's not my child so it's not my problem."She even told me once the child looks just like my youngest son.That comment made me want to strabgle her.When I try tot lak to him about it he is totally uncaring and unfeeling and says he doesnt care about the whole thing.Well I do care that she has named him on the birth certificate as the father.I ordered a copy of it and when I actually saw it in black and white it killed me.<P>I don't know how these things work when someone does not show up for court in these cases.We have heard nothing else on the subject and the court date was back in March.Anyone know how this works?If she din't show up would it then be over unless she brought it up again?I would think if she had been telling me the truth about it being him that didn't show we would have heard from the courts at least.<P>Thanks for responding.<P>Tammy

Moonbeam,<P>Thank you for the advice.I just wish it were that easy.My husband seems to have no interest in goin gout with me and doing anything "FUN".It really hurts.If I took him to his favorite restaurant and there was a line he would not want to stay and we would turn around and leave.Then there is always hard feelings.It's not the same a sit once was.The funny thing is what hurts me is that I know when he was seeing OW that went out to eat several times.I'm not sure exactly how many but I know they did.So how come he can take her out and he has such a problem with taking me out?All week long I work and take care of our children and home.I dont think its too much to ask to go out together for what I always call a "date".<P>I have asked him to check out this site also.His reply was "I'm not much of a reader.I do better with seeing action and not sitting and reading."But without reading how do we know where to even start with our plan of action or the means to do it?But if it's something he is really interested in on the interent he will sit and read page after page.<P>I dont get it.He says he loves me.He says he wants the marriage to work.But it's almost as if he is just 'Playing it by ear" so to say.Back in March he even went as far as to buy me a new wedding ring.He said he hoped this was a symbol that we could put all of this behind us now.<P>Maybe I would be able to but there have been too many signs that he has still been involved with her.I have found things of hers in his pocket.I have found emails to him form her that he did not tell me about.I found them on my own.She has paged him,called him on his cell phone.She has flat out told me they are still together.She says he hates me and the only reason he is with me is because he is afraid of losing our kids.The kicker here is she uses AOL.Her screename is KISNJMS.My husband's name is James.Can you guys figure that one out?It just make me sick.It does not seem to bother my husband at all.He says she is just psychopathic and to ignore it.Why doesnt he get mad dammit?This all infuriates me and he is cool as a cucumber about it.He says he has nothing to hide and he knows she is lying and thats why he is able to ignore it all.Well I just cant.<P>I'm sorry I was so long winded tonight.I just am at the point that after 2 years of reconciliation with my H that something has got to give here.I haver had it.But the thought of giving up makes me actually sick to my stomach.But the thought of continuing like this does too.<P>Tammy

Thanks everyone for your input.I am so glad I found this forum!!<P>Tammy