Here we go again...<BR>It was a teriffic day...H was on a course through work, and I spent the day with the kids.<BR>We played in the sandbox, rode bikes, played with the hose, and blew bubbles...the kids had a great time and were complete angels.<BR>I was thinking to myself how lucky I was that somehow through all this my family has managed to stay together.<BR>After the afternoon naps I packed the kids up and headed over to my parent's place for a birthday party, and H joined us when the course was over.<BR>We had a wonderful time visiting and watching the kids play...it felt like a 'camping cookout'.<BR>We came home, gave the kids a bath, tucked them in, and decided to take a little break.<BR>We went out on the front step...one of our favorite places for 'evening quiet time'...lit a couple of cigarettes and chatted.<BR>I thought to myself what a wonderful day it had been, and that maybe things were starting to feel a little like they used to before all this madness begun...then I looked over at my H.<BR>He was off in space somewhere...I asked a couple of questions and it just didn't feel right when he answered me.<BR>The alarms started going off in my head, and I asked what he had been thinking about.<BR>He said he was wondering why he had done what he did.<BR>Boom!...all of a sudden cloud 9 had a hole in it, and I fell right through...right back to d-day.<BR>How could he have done this?<BR>How could he have let himself be with someone else that way?<BR>How could he risk losing the wonderful family we have?<BR>My head just wouldn't shut down.<BR>Now he's upstairs asleep...and here I am, unable to bring myself to join him.<BR>I know I'm never going to have answers to these questions...at least any that are going to satisify me, but will they ever fade?<BR>Is it always going to be so easy to send me back to all the things I felt when I first found out?<BR>I know he was having trouble, and that's why his head wandered where it did...but shouldn't I have at least managed to offer him somekind of support?<BR>All I could do was wallow in those awful memories...I couldn't even reach out to squeeze his hand.<BR>Now here we are again at opposite ends of the house...both feeling ugly inside.<BR>Lord...I wish...<BR>Well, you all know what I wish.<BR>Ugh.<BR>Thanks for the vent.<BR>SD.<p>[This message has been edited by SoDuped (edited June 25, 2001).]

SoDuped,<P>Oh honey, I'm sorry. I saw your post and wanted to give you this..<P><B>((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((SODUPED))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))</B><P>Call me if you're still up.<P>Hang in there!!!<P>K/LostNco/DSN<BR>[H]'s wife

Bringing this back up to the top.<P>How are you doing today SoDuped?<P>(((((((SODUPED))))))<P>K/LostNco/DSN<BR>[H]'s wife

Hi again,<BR>Knewjie, thanks for the hugs...I needed that.<BR>Today has been a better day.<BR>It started off a little tough, but once I found the energy to get out of bed and face things it did get better.<BR>I talked to my H and explained where my head went last night - and he explained his reactions as well.<BR>It seems that he's wanting to be able to open up to me about his feelings and fears regarding the affair and where we're going now as a couple, but he's afraid to share things with me for fear of my having the exact reaction as I did last night.<BR>His reasons aren't selfish ones, he's just reluctant to cause any more pain for the sake of dealing with his own emotions.<BR>We spent a little time talking about this, but had to set it aside when the kids woke up from their nap.<BR>Later on in the day we went over to our neighbor's house to meet with them and the pastor of their church.<BR>A couple of weeks ago we had expressed to our neighbors (and great friends) that this whole 'crisis' we've gone through has caused us to have some questions about our faith.<BR>Both of us were raised Catholic, and our neighbors are Babtists.<BR>They suggested that perhaps a meeting with their pastor could help answer some of our questions as neither of us felt comfortable with the idea of talking to our own priest.<BR>We were nervous at first, but things went remarkably well.<BR>The pastor gave us a new insight, and helped us to see that we haven't been allowing God to help us in our recovery.<BR>He also gave us some ideas to help us better understand what we want from our faith and how to bring those things into practice in our lives, both for ourselves and our children.<BR>We both left with a feeling of relief and...freedom.<BR>I know that may sound strange, but it's the only way I can think to describe it.<BR>As a child growing up in my parent's church I remember feeling that our religion was sooooo complicated and that it came with a great deal of responsibility - one that felt like a heavy burden at times.<BR>This pastor managed to make it all seem so simple.<BR>We've decided to spend some time in their church and to also start reading the bible together.<BR>I don't know that we're looking to adopt a new religion, but we both agree that we need and want to have God in our lives more than we have been allowing Him - and we feel so comfortable with having our neighbors and their pastor help us that we've decided to give thier church a try.<BR>Perhaps this is what we need to be able to progress further into recovery?<BR>Time will tell - but for now I'm feeling more peace than I have in a while...and my gut tells me that's a good thing, so I guess that is the road I will travel for now.<BR>Thanks for being there - EVERYONE.<BR>(((hugs)))<BR>-SD

(((((SoDuped)))))<P>------------------<BR>Prayers, Hugs, and Strength from both of us. Things do and can get better. Keep hoping, learning, and growing. Take care of yourself.<P>[H] and Knewjie

Thanks for being there [H] & Knewjie, your hugs have helped.<BR>-SD

Hi SoDuped!<P>I'm glad to hear you're doing better. It was good that you and H talked about it, that really does help.<P>About the church and pastor, wow! It's good that you both with be reading the bible together. Pray together also. Don't forget to have conversations with God. <P>Keep us posted!<P>(((((((SODUPED)))))))<P>K/LostNco/DSN<BR>[H]'s wife