Here's my situation. I'd sure appreciate any thoughts, advice, or insight into my marrriage. <P>I'm 41, W is 37, we have one child, age 5. We've been married 14 yrs. After reading this, many of you might wonder "why do I punish myself with this marriage?" Answer: my Son. For all the pain, I can't imagine bailing out on him. If I could get custody, it might be a different story. And, despite our situation, my wife and I are always careful to try our best not to allow our personal problems affect our little boy. <P>Both of us have stressful professional careers. I have a small professional services business (work for myself); she works for a large corporation at a mid-manager level. She works 9-5 and earns ±60% of our household income ($160K); I set my own flexible hrs. Because of her rigid work schedule, I handle most of the domestic day-to-day child rearing duties such as fixing B'fast, Lunch, dressing child, taking child on Dr. visits, etc., etc. (frankly, I do this willingly as it is a labor of Love). <P>Over time, our relationship just seems to get worse. It's not in any imminent danger of collapse -- it just our marriage seems so disfunctional that the long-term prognosis appears so bleak. There are numerous issues, but I will list them in order of importance, as I perceive them: <P>Financial: we live a very expensive lifestyle (she would disagree) and spend virtually ever dime we earn. I take care of all the bill paying and finances. My nature is to be very frugal and careful about spending $$$ wrecklessly, and trying to save and build a decent new worth. On the other hand, my wife loves excitement and living for the "now". She seems to "want it all" from a material standpoint and strongly resents my efforts to curb spending. Although on balance we have a decent worth (due to a lot of equity in our home and our 401Ks), we also have a LARGE amount of personal debt. Admittedly, this situation is absolutely eating me up inside. I frequently wake up in the middle of the night worrying about our finances. Everytime I try to discuss this matter rationally with W (in order to get some control of the matter), she becomes VERY emotionally upset. She becomes VERY defensive and tells me that "I" am the problem, because I don't make enough $$$. She told me that at my age I should be making $200K. She says that is what the men at her office make and what our friends make. To be honest, many of our friends do make alot, but the fact is I make what I make (±$70K), which I work hard to earn. We can't go to a nice restaurant without me thinking about the cost (which she senses). And, everytime W comes home at the end-of-the-day with a bunch of shopping bags, I just burn inside. <BR>Emotional: Over time, we have become more emotionally distant. Of the two of us, I am more cheerful, sociable. At the same time, my wife is somewhat critical and judgemental - and, not just of me. She prides herself for her willingness to be blunt. On one hand, she desires to have a close and warm relationship with me, her parents, and her siblings, and others -- but, on the other hand, she can be so harsh that we all tend to keep her at arm's length to avoid being hurt. We treat her more cordially (and carefully) than intimately. This, in turn, hurts her feelings and causes her to become upset about her lack of deep relationships. <P>Several days ago, as I was practicing trying to be upbeat & cheerful (with effort), she was responding by being cold & withdrawn. The more I would reach out, the more withdrawn she would be. So, I asked her what was upsetting her. She responds that I "just don't get it". She again expressed her disatisfaction about my career and poor earnings. I told her I didn't know what to do about it, that if she had any suggestions "I'm all ears". Then, I asked if there was anything else, anything I could help her with, anything she felt guilty about. She looked at me for a moment, contemplating -- then broke down (crying), telling me: She couldn't stand to have Sex anymore, that the pressure for Sex is overwhelming her (BTW, our frequency is only 2-3x/month, and I never pressure her). I tried to be supportive and told her not to worry about Sex. Then, I told her that I was frankly relieved that there wasn't someone else. Her response was surprise that I could believe her capable of an "affair". I told her, she was showing all the signs and I was just worried. Now, we're no longer sexual (can this really be a positive?). <P>She tells me she loves me and doesn't want a divorce or separation. I believe her. And, we both of us want what's best for our little boy. I think we both know how destructive a split would be. As much as she & I struggle, we seem to be on the same page when it comes to raising our son. <P>Question: does any of this seem familiar to any of you out there? What should I do? Any sincere advice or insight would be most appreciated. <P>Thanks in advance.

I'm not sure but I think maybe you should post this question over on emotional needs. There are a lot of people over there that can advise you. Maybe they read over here also but if you don't get many replies try posting over there. Sorry I don't have any advice for you. But it sounds like your situation is fixable. Good luck!

Keith101,<BR>Mind if I ask...what do you and your wife do for a living??? It sounds as if materially, you already have a very comfortable lifestyle, even though it may not be luxurious enough to meet your wife's needs.<P>Have you taken a look at the Emotional Needs Questionaire? You can find a copy of it at the Basic Concepts area of the MarriageBuilders website. Print out two copies; fill out one of them yourself and ask your W to fill out the other. It's very obvious that one of your wife's top emotional needs "ENs" is Financial Support. What is your wife's history like? What kind of childhood did she have? Was she doted on or spoiled as a child? Was she by chance a youngest child?<P>It also sounds as if your wife may be a very driven, high-achieving personality type. These kinds of people often are never satisfied with their lives, no matter when level of professional or financial attainment they reach. Possibly, she may be so materially or financially obesessed in order to cover up percieved shortcomings or failures in other areas of her life. What kind of a mother is she?<P>Her lack of desire for intimacy with you sends up red flags all over the place. No, it's not okay for a marriage to be entirely without sex, unless it is for a medical reason or both partners are content to be celibate. Her response to your suspicion of an affair--being shocked that you could "think her capable" of such a thing, is very typical of spouses who ARE having affairs. This is not to say that she is!!! But, you should certainly be on your guard. Especially in light of the "NO SEX" request. This is definitely not a healthy situation.<P>Another red flag is that she is comparing you (or at least your earnings ) to other men at her work. Does she have close male friends or colleages that you know of? She must be fairly friendly with a few to know what they are making, as this is pretty personal information. Has she been spending more time at work, working late or odd hours? These are other questions you need to ask yourself.<P>Have you considered marriage counseling? You don't mention your level of satisfaction or dissatisfaction with the relationship. What are your goals for your marriage, what would you like to change about your relationship? How do you feel when your wife puts you down for not making "enough" money?? Do these insulting remarks make you openly (or passively) hostile toward her?<P>Sorry for all the questions...I need more information about your situation to offer any more insight at this point. But, it does sound like an affair (emotional, physical or both) may be a possibility. Don't jump to conclusions, but keep your eyes open.<P>Continue to explore this site, including the counseling area. There is much good information and support to be had here.<P>calla