Okay. Another thing I was thinking about ALOT this weekend is whether or not perhaps my H and I were infatuated with each other and now he really has found his true love. <P>I mean, I know he loved me up last winter. He told me about EA right after it happened with OW and has continued to "fill me in" on everything, so there's not much lying (I know, I know, miss naive - I'm just saying from what I KNOW right now for sure). He is really rude, mean, and inconsiderate - no excuse for that.<P>But I just think about how I felt about him and he about me, and I wonder if maybe we were only infatuated with each other. We had no outside friends, I was really obsessed with him, he seemed to only enjoy sex with me, etc. I mean I *thought* our love had grown into a deep friendship/companionship, but he just says he grew out of love with me and became my friend. What's the difference?<P>Plus, it says affairs usually don't last because of the lies and stuff, but he has told me everything (supposedly) and they are waiting until he figures things out with me, so why would it die naturally in this case??<P>I know, I should not think about these things, I am in plan B. But I do. I guess what makes it ?worse? is that apparently my H has agreed to plan B this time. When he came over last Monday I told him he HAD to give me no contact so that in the case where he didn't choose to work on US that I could get over him (he is in limboland). I said if I knew he would eventually choose us I could go on like this forever, but not if he wasn't going to - I need no contact. And now, it appears he is giving it to me. Haven't heard ANYTHING from him since Wednesday. <P>He actually called MIL and says he wants to see kids on Saturday (that will be 28 days since he's seen them) and is making arrangements. It's like he is accepting plan B and dealing with it. I am happy/sad/scared about this. What if he likes it?? What if he gets so depressed in his altered state that he thinks he is doing the best thing for me (VERY possible)?<P>Okay, I just re-read my post and realized how pathetic it sounds, but I just miss my H so much and my mind is racing. I had alot to think about this weekend... Why, why, why??<P>My biggest fear is that he will LIKE being seperated and only seeing the kids now and then and not want to reconcile. That is what I am dealing with today, if you couldn't tell!!<BR>

Hi Hurtbyhubby:<P>Hey, you know, sitting around by yourself is getting to you.<BR>You're beginning to fantasize yourself.. <P>If there is one thing I learned from all this mess it is not to read anything into WH's behavior and not to listen to anything they say. You truly do not know what is going on in their mind. <P>Look at Lora's WH...gone for months with very little contact...then there he is wanting to come home. Time's on your side remember. It really is important in Plan B to not sit around waiting for something to happen with WH...get on with your life...do the things you've always wanted to do...now's the time. Maybe WH is the most important thing in your life besides your children but even so, you really do need to take this opportunity to explore what you want out of life and the possibility that your life may end up changing...and that might be your desire in the long run.<P>As I look back on these last few years and the possibility of being with WH again...it raises anxiety in me...because I know I myself would not want to return to how things use to be...if things cannot change then moving on would be better for me too. I can't change WH, but I can change myself...and hope that when and if he comes back, he'll have an impetus to change himself. If now then I am better prepared to move forward by myself....with new skills and understanding...perhaps into a new relationship....feeling I have done everything I can to try and fix this relationshp.<P>Faye<BR> <P> <BR>

Hurtbyhubby:<P>Be glad, he is finally showing you the respect you deserve. Buffy has good advice for you here so I will not bother repeat it.<P>As wondering if you actually loved him or were infatuated with him? From your posts I can tell that you love your husband. What he has right now is more of an infatuation. It feels good but has no real substance. That's all.<P>Z<P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

Thanks Buffy for the words of encouragement. I know I have to work on me, but there is not really much I want out of life. I have it all except my H. Guess I'll have to keep searching... I have improved myself tremendously, just nothing more I want to do WITH my life. Spend more time with the kids I guess, which I am doing by default.<P>Zorweb, thank you. That means so much to me. My mind keeps racing sometimes and I just get to wondering if we were really meant to be and I am not doing the wrong thing and should let him go to be with her.<P>I just need a sanity check most of the time.

Hurt-<P>I've been thinking that too. What if I'm keeping him from a true love? The stuff he says to her. The nickname. Everything. We've been together 15 years...it's been a long time since he's been 'romantically' fun with me. Is it too late for us? <P>I have been really anxious about that whole love/infatuation thing. That and my landlubber friends keep telling me there is a great guy out there that will take care of me and love me like I deserve to be loved....just what I don't want to hear...<P>so then I get on the "do I want him or do I just NOT want to start over..." <P>As Buffy said, we are over thinking this stuff---so...I started reading SAA again--especially the stuff about recovery and rebuilding the 'lovebank.' It really helped, so if you have the book do some rereading!<P>Cali

HurtByHubby <P>take care, and be aware<BR>may seem your marriage is in despair.<P>even in his apathetic view<BR>...towards you, even this isn't true.<P>that being said.<BR>all hope is not dead.<BR>a perfect love he had with you too<BR>in the beginning this was true.<P>not quite the sun he hoped (she'd) be<BR>but, live the dream, desperate to break free.<BR>ride the spiral to the end?<BR>(she's) considerately killing him.<P>Aeon Blue<P>* she'd "op"<BR>* she's "op"<p>[This message has been edited by Aeon Blue (edited June 24, 2001).]

H, Aeon, sometimes I think you are God in disguise posting on these message boards to give us hope.<P>You touched me so much with your poem, which is amazing because I don't typically "get" poems (like some of the ones you wrote StrongerinCali - way above me). But this one, was meant for me.<P>I wish I could print it out by my H took my printer... Will have to do it from work tomorrow.<P>Thank you so much.<P>Cali - ditto. I really wish we weren't on different sides of the ocean. My 3 kids and yours are so close in age, and plus everything we're going through. I could really tell we'd become instant best friends. Thanks for the encouragement. I just bought SAA online today.

HbyH,<P>I thought the exact same thing, our marriage proably was a mistake and he and OW were perfect together and they were off living their perfect love... and he didnt miss me at all. One day I drove to his mothers and his car was there and his sisters and I thought maybe OW was there too and I thought about driving in front of a truck on the way home.<P>Then I found out she was married with kids and I began to wonder about that great relationship of theirs. And eventually he asked to come home.... after 7 months!<P>So post your doubts here and know it is normal to have them, but start presenting a positive attitude to your H OK? You must be the one to show him that your relationship is right and good and meant to be. He is too confused to get it right now. <BR>Lora