I don't know how some of you do it. My W is the WS, but I'm the one who is suffering. Everything was exposed about 3 weeks ago and she claimed to have broke it off. I later explained she only put it on hold. She then talked to him the following week(checked cell phone) and she said it was to end it. She said they would only talk on the phone at work professionally, not personaly. She then went out of town with her family for 4 days with our kids.I found out while out of town she tried to contact him and her 2nd day back at work he called and they met for lunch. W said it was just a meeting,nothing more. OM was just worried about her and what she was going through. I can't take it, I finally told her I am considering giving her the divorce she wants. She has also told me she would break it off with him, IF I WANTED HER TO. Not because she wanted to. She said she would not do it by letter, that was cruel. I told her what she did was cruel and I didn't care. The tension around the house is terrible and we keep getting into bad discussions. She said her relationship with him is only friends, not PA as it had been. W said their relationship has nothing to do with her feelings about me.She has agreed to go to counseling tomarrow, for me.<BR>My questions are:<BR>1)Is it right for me to make her end it or does she need to do it because she wants to?<BR>2)Is their affair, even though it is not a PA anymore effecting her feelings tward me?<BR>3)Should I just move out and let her be?<BR>4)Can she really end it without a letter? She thinks she should do it in person.<BR>5)What keeps you people going? It is too emotional for me.<BR>

Hi Nightshdw,<P>Take a step back and breathe. Now, to your questions. <P>1)Is it right for me to make her end it or does she need to do it because she wants to?<P>FOR IT TO END, IT MUST BE HERE CHOICE. YOUR OPINION WAS NOT CONSIDERED WHEN IT STARTED. <P>2)Is their affair, even though it is not a PA anymore effecting her feelings tward me?<P>NOT ENOUGH. EA IS A STRONGER ATTACHMENT THAN A PA. THEY ARE MORE DANGEROUS SINCE THEY CAN BE GIVEN AT ANY TIME. EA'S HAVE A LONGER EFFECT THAN A PA. <P>3)Should I just move out and let her be?<P>I LET MY H KNOW WHAT NEEDS HE NEEDED TO MEET FOR OUR FAMILY. AT THE BEGINNING H COULD ONLY THINK OF OW, HE WOULD NOT FOCUS ON HIS FAMILY'S NEEDS, THAT IS WHY HE MOVED OUT. HOW IS YOUR W WILLING TO MEET YOUR NEEDS? SINCE SHE LEFT YOU ONCE (BY HAVING THE A), WHAT VALUE IS SHE WILLING TO BRING BACK TO YOU AND YOUR FAMILY?<P>4)Can she really end it without a letter? She thinks she should do it in person.<P>EITHER HAVE WORKED. HOWEVER, ENDING IT IN PERSON IS MORE DIFFICULT. A LETTER IS SAFER FOR YOU AND YOUR W. DEPENDS ON HOW MANIPULATIVE EITHER THE WS OR OP IS. <P>5)What keeps you people going? It is too emotional for me.<P>THIS IS DIFFICULT TO ANSWER. ONLY UNTIL YOU ARE ACTUALLY IN THIS SITUATION AND FIGHTING FOR YOUR MARRIAGE WILL YOU UNDERSTAND. FOR SOME OF US, THERE ARE EXTENUATING CIRCUMSTANCES LEADING UP TO THESE HORRIBLE A'S. FOR OTHERS IT IS RECOGNIZING WHAT WENT WRONG, WHERE AND IF WE ACTUALLY PLAYED A PART IN LOSING SOME OF THE LOVE IN OUR MARRIAGE. IT IS NOT AN EASY THING. I BELIEVE THAT MOST HERE WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN AS SUPPORTIVE OF OTHERS UNTIL WE INDIVIDUALLY WENT THROUGH IT. <P>I hope some of these answers help. You have a lot of anger in you right now. I would like to share a thread on the 5 stages of greiving and it may help you see where you are at. <P> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002494.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002494.html</A> <P>The choice to continue is up to you and your W. I wondered about keeping my marriage many times. My H is the WS and his OW is a true psyco based on her actions and words. <P>Yet, 7 months after d/d, h is home. Recovery for us was set back 5 weeks since now OW is preg. I do not consider us in recovery yet. Your chances at this point are better than mine. Reevaluate your situation again from all angles before you throw in the towel.<P>Take Care,<BR>L.<BR>