Well, even 16 mos. after DDay, I'd be glad to attempt to do him bodily harm despite the fact that he's bigger than me. But I have a heavy bag in my garage which has paid dearly for his sins, and that's better than getting arrested.<P>OTOH, I've gone from mourning the loss of the marriage I had (even with all its problems) to being just plain angry at my W. Yes, I know that the state of the marriage prior to her A was the fault of us both. But I have two sons and while I love them dearly there are times when I'd like to just beat them over the head. Every parent has times like that, <B>but you don't do it</B>. It's the same way with marriage. Just because you feel like doing something is no excuse for doing something horrible. Yes, I know I'm capable, I almost did some months after her A, but it doesn't stop me from being angry.<P>In a nutshell, DDay late Feb. 2000, they met at work. Plan A'd while she secretly continued contact. Contact ended a few months later, shortly after they both got fired. Recovery good for a couple of months thereafter, then down the tubes (tho no contact, I think A was truly over) while she battled with depression for about 6 months. I was ready to give up. Decided to tell her it had to change, we started working on things and have had about 5 months of <B>slow</B> progress.<P>So I guess I'm having a taker rebellion. I believe in forgiveness, but I guess it's really in trying to meet your partner's needs even when you don't feel like it (I have been). Changing your emotions so that you do stop feeling angry has to be up to them doing their part to replace the horrible with something good. At least that's my perspective right now.<P>So how about it, did any of you go from initial sadness to lots of anger much later? If so, did the anger start to dissipate on its own? Or was it the actions of your partner in starting to be the partner you needed that made things change?<P>I guess I mostly just needed to vent. Maybe I can go to sleep now. I'll be busy in the morning, but I'll check in later to see what thoughts people have.<P>Still fuming,<P>Steve

Hi Steve,<P>Sorry to here of the backslide. Yes you can go from sadness to anger. <P>Not sure if you ever read this thread from the d/d board, but I like to share it with those who are having an emotional wave of frustrating feelings.<P> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002494.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002494.html</A> <P>Are you entitled to those feelings. Yes. Is your W still being treated for depression? Have you tried asking your W to meet your needs? Can she?<P>Sorry for the many questions. They are only for you so you don't have to respond if they are too personal. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.<BR>

Hi Orchid,<P>Thanks, some good thoughts are in that post. I think about it more later.<P>I only have a couple of minutes till probably this afternoon, so Reader's Digest version will have to do in my answers.<P>A little more detail, but not updated, is in my post a few pages into the Just Found Out profiles thread.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Orchid:<BR><B><BR>Is your W still being treated for depression?<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>No, neither of us have insurance right now, and she decided to stop her meds. She's much better now, but needs to start treatment again eventually or a recurrance is more likely.<P><B> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> <BR>Have you tried asking your W to meet your needs? Can she?<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Yes and yes, but it's pretty sporadic, plus some LBing on her part. She's trying some, at least, but we have a long way to go.<P>Most recently, she has had trouble in the area of SF, and has at times been critical of me for my interest in same. I sometimes am reluctant there too, due to the pain in the relationship for me. Like most guys, though, when I begin to open up emotionally to her I tend to think of expressing this sexually. Not that this is by any means the only way I express it. Being rejected here is a big blow to me, as to most.<P>Then, I tend to think of what she did for the OM, even though she got little to nothing out of it. The sexual experience with him was not great for her. OTOH when we've had sex it's been very good for both. I've been working on the tough stuff for over a year, through all the pain, and can't help but compare the results I get to what some jerk who frequently runs around on his wife got.<P>Not the only issue that keys my anger, just the most recent one. Now I've really got to go.<P>Later,<P>Steve<BR>

Hi Steve,<P>You've always been so kind and helpful to me, and hopefully I can provide at least of bit of that back to you...<P>My ex (David) cheated several times, as you probably recall, in the 80's. I really and truly thought I'd let it go --especially by the nineties!! Funny thing though ~ you never forget. NEVER. Once you realize that, you can accept and move forward. <P>Yes, forgiveness can come... true Christlike forgiveness... but the forgetting... another story.<P>I don't mean to sound trite at all... this is the truth as I see it.<P>Only now that we're divorced can I truly see that I never forgave, and that I did have the power within me to do it (given by God, or perhaps even within myself, I'm not sure). <P>You obviously love your W, and you've always wanted your marriage, despite the pain she's caused you.<P>So... be kind to yourself... I suspect you *have* forgiven, but you're hurt... and you CAN'T EVER forget (God made us that way) so quit trying... <P>Things will never be the same, but they can be better (how many times we've seen it here!).<P>And, do the OM bodily harm in effigy... make a doll of him and run over it with the car - do SOMETHING that will help get that out. I think you'll feel better!<P>Tell me if I'm blowing smoke, or if this helps...<P>I am trying to help, of course!!<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>And we know. We who have seen. ~Pellegrino

Steve,<P>Make a little image of OM, then throw it on a pile of fire ants. <P><BR>Just a thought, there are lots of churches in the H-town area that do the HN/HN workshops, have ya'll done one.<P>Have the mosquotes (sorry for the spelling) carried ya'll off yet?

Steve, I haven't gotten to the anger stage, but I certainly can imagine it coming.<P>Keep pounding the garage bag and venting to us.<P>WAT

OK, now back (from a job interview, plus some other things & lunch with my wife).<P><B>Sheryl</B>,<P>In re to Christlike forgiveness, the Biblical story which comes to mind is an Old Testament one, that of Joseph. I've always been astounded by his statement to his brothers, years after their betrayal of him that "you meant it for evil but God meant it for good". Somehow he achieved a perspective that allowed him to forgive. OTOH, I see only loss right now. I still feel like my W and the OM stole all the good memories that I had of my marriage. Maybe in time, with a different perspective...I'm just not there yet.<P><B>sing</B>,<P>Haven't done the seminar yet, we do have some of the books. When I become employed and finish my certification exams (MCSE) I'll have more time and money to work on the marriage. Plus, FS is a big need for my wife, so I'm sure that will help things, in addition to removing stress from me.<P>The mosquitos have about eaten my sons, we're trying to get them to use the repellant, which we still keep handy. Surely they'll die off once we get to a few 95 degrees and 95% humidity days.<P><B>Dave</B>,<P>I thought of those like you and Rick who would love to be in my position. Funny thing, I've been in withdrawal some months back and nothing bothered me. Start to open up to my W emotionally, though, and things hurt again even if they're slowly getting better.<P>I will keep pounding that bag, I'm getting pretty good, though not to be mistaken for Evander Holyfield. It's an 80 Lb. bag and it's now too light...jumps all over the place when I hit it. OTOH, I think OM is about 230 and would make a nice punching bag ... but jail would be a serious downer. Think I'll stick to the garage bag.<P>Steve