I just found out my wife is having an affair, by reading her e-mails to her lover. I suspected her affair, so I installed a computer program that allowed me to read her e-mail, and sure enough my suspicions were confirmed. Now I'm struggling with what to do next - should I tell her I know?

OK, alann, don't do anything right now.<P>You are fortunate to find this site before you act - which means before you have a chance to make it worse.<P>I'll offer you what I call WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses. Think of it sorta like First Aid - not the answers, just something to help in the initial confusion. I've been working on this for some time and I've gotten input from other Mbers, so now's as good a time as any to offer it to a real person who can maybe benefit.<P>This fills a void I think that exists for guidance in the early stages of an affair when most are caught off guard and feel hopeless. This comes from my personal experience and from the descriptions of many other betrayed spouses I have read about here for many months. I believe this to be consistent with MB principles, but I acknowledge I am an amateur and no one should act on this advice alone.<P>OK, here it is:<P>WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses<P>Rule 1: Don't try to make sense out of what's happening. You are not dealing with rational people, so your normal thought processes won't work. This is exactly why you're confused. If you can do it calmly, confront your spouse with any solid evidence you have of the affair, but expect denials and lies beyond belief.<P>Rule 2: Don't be in a hurry. There is little, if anything, you can do to separate the affairees. They have to do this own their own. The affair will end. To hasten it's end, do not interfere with it.<P>Rule 3: All snooping is good and necessary - but be ready for an ANGRY reaction if your snooping is detected. Refer to Rule 1.<P>Rule 4: Don't beat yourself up for "causing" the affair. You are partly responsible for creating the environment which made the affair possible, and you need to examine yourself critically to see what changes you need to make, but you are NOT responsible for your spouse's decision to have an affair.<P>Rule 5: This will likely be the worst experience of your life. You are a prime candidate for depression, so see a doctor if you feel like you're having difficulty coping. You may need anti-depressants. You are also a prime candidate for your own affair. DON'T DO IT!<P>Rule 6: Your spouse will act as if he/she has been abducted by aliens and had their brains scrambled. Just watch and don't take any of this personally. Again, refer to Rule 1.<P>Rule 7: Do not expect too much from the wayward spouse even if they have already ended the affair. It may feel like you are they only one who is trying to save the marriage. You are not a doormat, just a loving, faithful spouse. <P>Rule 8: You will be told by well intending "advisors" to "Throw him/her out!!!" or, "Say good bye and don't look back!!" Instead of following this advice, learn everything you can from books, websites (like Marriagebuilders.com), and counselors about the ways to find the silver lining in this cloud. Seek advice as soon as possible.<P>WAT

Great post worthatry. <P>The only thing I'll add is that the people on this websit are working within the Marriage Builder phylosophy. It has saved many of our marriages and I believe helps keeps those still struggling with affairs sane.<P>Befor you act. Please read all of the material on this website and the books "Surviving An Affair", "His Needs, Her Needs", and "Love Busters" by Dr. Harley. They can be purchased on this website, Amazon.com and many book stores. This books will give you the road map to recovering your marriage. And of course the people on this website will be more then happy to give you the emotional support you will need to get through your ordeal.<P>Sorry that you need to be here, but welcome to MB.<P>Z<P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

Four months since D-Day. Your story is mine, alann. I'm still on my knees, buddy, but if you close your eyes I'm sending you what I have built up in reserve over the last four months. Over the ether. Feel it?<P>I'll tell you what I did without ever hearing of Marriage Builders. Not a single tear back then. I was being driven by forces not of this earth. I thought of my son. I thought of what was best for him. And for three weeks until I finally confronted her, I showed her exactly what she would be missing if she got rid of me. I emptied out the Hallmark store. I bought her single roses. I took her out to dinner. Back rubs. Head rubs. Acrobatic, aerobatic, gymnastic sex (the neighbors complained about her screams.) I essentially did all of those things that I would later discover I had, in fact, not been doing. We talked of what was, what is, and what will be. For those three weeks the only time I got upset was when she talked of having another baby. I thought I would aspirate my own vomit!<P>By the time I confronted her, she dumped the Loser so fast it would make your head spin. And then for the next month she lived every day with the clear and present danger that I would drop her like a bad habit. Et tu, Brut!<P>It's gonna hit the fan for you, alann. But not now, buddy. Not if you love her. If I had laid into her at the moment of discovery I am sure we would now be speaking of our marriage in the past tense. In retrospect, and with appropriate apologies, you were giving her 70% of what she needs, the Loser gave her another 20%. You give her that missing 20% and she won't need it from him. After the confrontation she will then see your potential absence as a possible loss of all 90%. And if she thinks of running to him, she sees his 20% and will still miss your 70%. It will scare the blue cheese out of her.<P>Cool, calm, collected. And how I did it I will never know for sure. We still have a long way to go. And the ride has been a trip I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. If you're unsure if you want the marriage, assume you do. ABSOLUTELY!!! Fight the good fight. Good triumphs over evil. And remember, you never walk alone. No ****.<BR>

Alann:<P>Refer to WAT's response: it will help you through the initial stages of a bad ordeal.<P>I will just add a slight input here from the perspective of being a former wayward spouse (WS). She will not seem her normal, rational self (as WAT points out ... she will resemble a person taken over by aliens and then had her brains scrambled) ... this, in MB parlance, is called being "in the fog".<P>Read the material on this site, and the books referred to by zorweb (FYI--zorweb is my wife [the better half]}. They are a must and will provide you an effective roadmap to follow in all of this.<P>Lots of good, caring folks here on MB to give you a boost when you need it most. One other piece of advice to add to WAT's (good job, WAT, BTW) ... don't vent on your wife. Do it here. You will see references to LBs (Love Busters) ... venting on your wife is a major LB. So vent here, get a new grip, then go back into the fray.<P>This is not an experience I would wish on anyone, but here is the silver lining in all of this: following Dr. Harley's principles 100 percent will help the two of you achieve a relationship neither of you ever thought possible.<P>Wouldn't recommend this trip to the folks at AAA, but since you are on it, you've come to the right travel agency.<P>Godspeed and good luck,<BR>STL