stilldreamin & snl,<P>Due to your replies to me earlier posts, I did some digging for info on "controlling husbands". Unfortunately, the info I found was very limited, but I seem to fit the criteria to a "T" in many ways. The info I found appears to describe what my W was trying to tell me last November, but I really didn't "get it" until I saw it in print.<P>I was wondering if either of you can help me find more info on this subject. I would like to discuss this with my W, but I need to be more informed. <P>sad dad <P>P.S. SNL - You've been a little "rough" in your assessment of me, but I appreciate it. Thanks for waking me up! <p>[This message has been edited by sad dad (edited June 26, 2001).]

<A HREF="http://www.drirene.com" TARGET=_blank>www.drirene.com</A> is a website on verbal abuse Most of what I know about is the controlling behavior of verbal abuse. Most of what I have experienced is verbal. Does not make it any less painful than physical abuse. There are books on verbal abuse also. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans, Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out by Patricia Evans, No Visible Wounds by Mary Susan Miller. <P>Books that have helped me, and you may want to read or let your wife read, are Tired of Trying to Measure Up by Jeff VanVonderen and Victory Over Darkness by Neil T. Anderson (both Christian books) <P>Hope this helps.

I don't have any real structured background (as in books, and studies), mostly just my own experiences and a keen interest in human behaviour. Also being a male, my experience is far different than what a female experiences cause of differences in power. In our counselling, therapists have regularly noted it is a good thing my w is the emotional abuser (our issues are emotional, moreso than verbal), cause I (as a male) was better able to resist the impact. Her tools were criticism, and anger, mostly delivered in a way that was designed to damage self-esteem, thereby enhance her self-image at my expense. Because I would not do the same, I was at a disadvantage (so to speak), and thought I could just ignore her "unfairness". Turns out I was not as resilient as I thought, and withdrew, and became depressed/unhappy, and eventually "left". She was not um........ gratuitiously mean or anything, it was all for my own good, and she is a hard working, loyal woman, just committed to "fixing" me in her image.

stilldreamin,<P>Thanks for your input. I bought a book yesterday called "Stop Controlling Me", I don't recall who it's written by. Hopefully it will help me see things from her side. I'm also looking for a book called "Tongue Fu".<P>snl,<P>Your description of your W seems to fit me pretty well. <P>I have never been the type of H who told my W what she could or couldn't do or who she could talk to. I've always encouraged her to go out with her friends as much as possible. I've always felt it was important for both of us to get away from being parents/spouses all the time. However, to the detriment of our marriage, I have been the kind of H who believed "there is my way, and the wrong way" for lack of a better way of putting it. As I said before, I was critical and got angry over trivial things. All traits I got from my father. A good man, but hard to please.<P>I'm trying hard to learn and understand as much as I can about this. I want to make the changes necessary to make me a better person. Whether it's too late to save my marriage remains to be seen. If it's not, our marriage may be better than ever. If it is, there will be other relationships down the road and I don't want to make the same mistakes.<P>sad dad<BR>

sad dad...First let me applaud the fact that you realize that you have a problem that needs to be attended to. Like snl, my husband feels that I have a problem that HE needs to address and fix, and that God has placed him in the role of husband to reprimand, correct, and prevent any problems HE (dh) sees in me. So controlling me has become his fulltime job. He sees that all that he does is for **my best interest**. <P>I pray for him to release his hold on me, but he says that if he does I will just have another affair. sigh..... So here I am, I correspond here and one other board, and wish that I could freely go to lunch with a friend. The last time I asked to go anywhere with a friend, I was denied and lectured by him. <P>Does this make me love him any more?? No!! It makes me resent him, but he cannot see that. <P>So sad dad.....continue to work on you. That is all you can do anyway, if you push your wife, you may just push her out the door. If she does leave anyway, you will have become a better person, for yourself, and your child. <P>peace

<BR><p>[This message has been edited by sad dad (edited June 27, 2001).]

stilldreamin,<P>I'm so sorry for your situation. You do not deserve to be punished forever for using some bad judgement. I wish for your sake your H could see the part he played. <P>I pray for the chance you have given your H. Does he ever visit this site?<P>I will look into the books you suggested earlier. I worry that asking my W to read either of those books, visiting this site, suggesting counseling, etc will come off as me trying to "fix her" or control the situation. I have not let her know of any of the books I've read or websites I've visited for that exact reason. Also, because much of what I've read (either online or in books) deals with affairs, which she yet to admit to. I don't want to through it in her face, if you know what I mean. Any thoughts??? <P>sad dad

No my husband does not visit this site. He would forbid me to visit here if he even knew that I was here. We have one of Dr. Harley's books, but husband just reads what he wants in each and every book. He does not read and absorb the content of a whole book. <P>In my earlier post it sounded like I believe that my husband alone has problems. I too have problems that I am working on. I have come to realize that I cannot **fix** him, so I try to accept him as he is. I can deal with him trying to **fix** me, and him believing that the only problem we have is me. The only times I get upset with him, and begin to have an **attitude** with him, is when he tries to tell me what my friends, or sister are thinking. How can he possibly know what they think??? He sees them say or do one thing in 6 months or a year, and he has their whole life figured out, and that really frustrates me. sigh.......<P>You are probably right about asking your wife to read anything. You might want to read them yourself, and if she reads them too, it can always be a conversation starter for you both. <P>I feel that even if your marriage doesn't work, you will come out stronger and more compassionate, for having had this horrible experience. May God bless you on the roller coaster ride called your life.......