I have been reading the messages here for a few weeks and see a sincere group of people who seem to really care about each other. I need someone to care for me right now. I am confused and scared.<P>I have been married for 13 years (14 in Nov.if we make it that long.) We lived together for 2 years prior and dated a year before that. I have invested 16 years into this relationship. We have two boys, 12 and Happy Birthday! 10 years old today. I am supposed to be planning a birthday party but I can't think straight. <P>My H travels a lot for business, leaving me to deal with the house and the kids, and the bills, and the blah, blah, blah. My girlfriends all ask me how I handle my husband being gone so much, and like a fool, I would say "It only works because I can trust him!" <P>We have never been very good communicators. But it just got to the point that we were living under the same roof, we were pleasant to each other, had sex once in awhile, raised the kids, traveled together some... a comfortable life I guess. <P>I started getting suspicious a few months ago. Things were just "diferent" and little clues started popping up. Every time I confronted him he told me nothing was going on. More and more evidence started appearing and I started confronting him more and more. I will not go into the long boring details but I began to feel like a paranoid, hysterical, shrew.<P>The beginning of June, he had to go to Europe for business and the day he left he took me to lunch, convinced me nothing was going on, we went home and had wild sex and he left. Well three days later I found concrete proof and he finally admitted that he had become "infatuated" with this woman, but they never had sex. I don't believe it (that they never had sex) but that is not even the issue right now. <P>We had already agreed to go into marriage counseling and are doing so. I went once and just love the guy, my H goes tomorrow, but he does not want to go together. He says we should go separately for a while. WHY??? Is this normal, it really hurts me that he doesn't want to go together, in fact he won't even commit to trying to work on our marriage. He said he doesn't see how things can get any better. <P>I read His Needs/Her Needs and realized a lot of what went wrong with our relationship, and that I needed to change to save this marriage. It seems though, that the nicer I get or the better I treat him, the more he withdraws. Is this a common reaction? I feel like I am putting my feelings out on a line and he just steps on them.<P>In my mind he should be begging me to take him back and kissing my butt to get back in my good graces, instead I am the one kissing butt and getting hurt. Can anyone explain this to me? I feel like a fool.<P>My kids are at camp this week and last night my H worked late. I called him to meet for a late dinner which went pretty well, then he had to go back to work. I tried to call him at 12 o'clock and 12:30 (midnight). He didn't answer his cell or office phone. So I went to his office and his truck was not there. I swear I am going crazy (going to his office). He finally called me around 1:30 and said he was just leaving work. Well I went off. (OW is in another city so he wasn't with her)We talked on the cell phone when he was coming home and got into a fight. I was the most communicating we have done in a long time. He was telling me that he has been unhappy for years, he was bringing up things from 8 or 9 years ago, we talked for a long time, but I kept getting angry and yelling and crying. In other words he was making it my fault that he "wanted to have an affair, but didn't". Is this normal? I am beginning to think that I have been a terrible wife. He came in and slept in the guest room, and left without saying good-bye this morning. I called him and said he was a cruel SOB for leaving without saying good-bye. He said he was late for a meeting, I said it would have taken 5 seconds and he was pushing me away. <P>I know I should be nice to him, meet his EN's so that he will want to come back to me, but I keep getting angry and hurt and then I say things I shouldn't. Please pray for me to say the right things.<P>I went to the bookstore to buy Surving an Affair yesterday but they didn't have it. I know I need to read it. I will order it from the website.<P>One more thing, the OW lives in Boston, corporate headquarters, my H is going there tomorrow. In the back of my mind I am thinking of flying up there and stalking her house, (I know her address), to see if he goes there, or getting a private detective. But the other side of me says I am tired, need to prepare for the birthday party, what's the point?,.....Maybe I really don't want to know.<P>So I am confused, hurt, angry, all the emotions...I love the support the everyone gives each other at this site, and look forward to hearing from everyone and recieving advice on what to do next. <P>Thank You <P>

Hello Roudy3:<P>{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}} to you.<P>Welcome. You have come to a good place. I found it 2 months ago and know the rollercoaster ride I am on would have been that much harder without it.<P>You have made a good start by reading HN/HN. SAA will help you so much more. A lot of the basic concepts are at this website; make sure that you check it all out.<P>Post often and read the posts here. Many have gone through what you are and have good insight. Sometimes we are just 'there' for each other.<P>Finally, go to "just found out," there's a lot of the beginning stuff there--notable threads, explanation of plan A and B, etc.<P>Good Luck. <P><P>------------------<BR>Cali<P><I> Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. </I><BR>1 Peter 5:6-7

First, i know WELCOME is not the appropriate thing would want to hear from a site like this since it is so many broken hearts but know we do read and we do understand your hurt and pain.<BR>U stated: "We have never been very good communicators. But it just got to the point that we were living under the same roof, we were pleasant to each other, had sex once in awhile, raised the kids, traveled together some... a comfortable life I guess"<BR>So u do realize that your homelife has become too comfortable and needs some major construction done due to lack of good communication! That is always a start. Since you have never been that good at communicating w/one another I am sure that is y H would like to try counseling alone. He is afraid he will clam up if you are around and he has a lot that he wants to say. This may be better, because said in the wrong way could do more damage than good. So let him go alone without any yelling, the fact that he is going is an excellent sign, a lot of men frown on MC. You both are very angry, yes u feel he should be kissing your butt but you can't control his actions or his feelings because they are all over the place. You have only found out a few weeks ago so u r still very angry and will be for awhile, that is normal. His reactions of angry are normal too, even though he is the one that has brought this pain into your lives. Remember u both contributed to the state of your marriage, so now it is up to the both of you to make it better. Counseling is the right step to take. Keep Posting/VENTING here, it does help to get different perspectives.

You are not alone in your situation. It sounds like our life. We have been married 21 years and been together 25 years. There is a lot invested in this relationship. My husband is currently in another affair--feels like our life has no passion. We have the typical middle class life, both work, we have 4 kids who are very active, and our sex life I thought was ok. He obviously is looking for more. It is a very hard thing to deal with. Be encouraged that he will go to counseling and is willing to work on your relationship. That is a good start. Take care