Guess I should say Xin-laws considering I am Divorced. This is solely a vent post, but I can't tell you how much it hurts.<P>I understand my H and his NEW family (OW and her bevy of kids) now go to the In-laws on a regular basis. These ppl were my only family, now I feel so betrayed by them as well. I know this is their brother (H), I just feel so hurt to know they accept this person (OW) into the family with open arms. She was beyond cruel to me, and they knew about all of it. What a disappointment. I imagine all of them happy, thinking how good it is that he and OW and OC are FINALLY together. Finally ridding themselves of me, the one who didn't fit.<P>Don't get me wrong, I know being Divorced, eventually my H would bring "someone" to the family things. It's just the fact it is this OW that seems to bother me so much. Makes me wonder why I trust in people and what they say. <P>Have any of you felt this way? Have you had to manage your emotions regarding the acceptance of the new OP entering what was once "your place" in the family? How did you get thru it, what did you tell yourself so you didn't feel so hurt and discarded?<P>Help needed, just a bad day ... I guess I'm not feeling so Divorced. Gawd this is NOT easy!<P>Lv,<BR>Jo<P>p.s. WAT .. are Alien abductions and moose brain worms contagious and migrate throughout the WS's family? I'm half way serious here ... <P>------------------<BR>"Remain flexible like a reed, as opposed to an oak which can snap in the wind"<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited June 26, 2001).]

Jo, I just wanted to pass on something that my own step-mother-in-law (Jan) said to me:<P>A few years after my husbands parents were divorced, his father met Jan and married her. Jan told me that it was really hard for her to feel part of the family - at gatherings such as Christmas, Weddings, Funerals etc., the family would reminisce about past events, pets, holidays, family jokes etc., and she would feel terribly left out, because she didn't share in any of those memories.<P>It may be of some comfort to you to realise that the OP will be having a tough time too - there are some things that they will NEVER be a part of.<P>hugs, Paint.

Jo,<P>This is exactly what I sense coming my way, with the recent change in MILs attitude towards me. Used to talk almost every day, she was mortified all along at her daughters behavior, and wanted to "get that guy alone to tell him to leave her daughter alone". Well, now that my wife has suddenly started inviting her Mom over again (had virtually nothing to do with her the past year), guess what?<P>I call to say goodnight, MIL, OM, wife, and kids are all there, happy as can be.<P>I read about others experiencing the loyalty switch, so shouldn't be surprised.<P>I know this is hard, and I'm only at the start of it, because I don't think my wife will marry the OM, but I just wanted you to know that I'm reading and feel for you. It stinks!

Thanks Paint and Rick.<P>Paint ... my H's OW wanted more than anything to be a part of my H's family. This was a biggie for her. And she is very agrressive (pushy), so I doubt she feels any uncomfortableness, I believe it's beyond her thinking or scope of comprehension. In her eyes I was the "mistake" and she was always the "one" who belonged, because she had my H's child. <P>I know, doesn't make sense to me either, but I guess she could be right. Maybe my 21 years with my husband was just a very long bad mistake, and they were always meant to be. And now, MAYBE, my in-laws feel the same.<P>I guess I'm supposed to now just disappear from their lives entirely. They say that Divorce hurts so many people, but in my case I think it has only hurt me ... as it seems eveyone else has merrily gone on their way. But thank you so much for your kind words, Paint. I'm just doing my best to go with "acceptance" of what Divorce really does mean.<P>Rick,<P>I have read your recent post regarding you MIL. I'm so sorry. I know how much it hurts. The loyalty thing does "STINK". They (in-laws) don't want to lose their son/daughter or brother/sister and seem to turn a blind eye at some point. I would hope they feel some degree of conflict ... but as they say "Blood is thicker than water". <P>I do remember Lostva's post where her in-laws told her to "move on" because Robert (WS) was finally happy with OW. And we all know what happened to THAT! And then there's Lora's story where her in-laws backed her thru the entire situation, I would hope if I was ever an in-law in the same circumstance, I would do the same. <P>I'm keeping an eye on your progress, Rick. It seems you're coming down to the wire (Plan B). Stay strong, and please keep us up to date. We'll be here. <P>Best,<BR>Jo<P>------------------<BR>"Remain flexible like a reed, as opposed to an oak which can snap in the wind"

I know the feeling. My husband has had trouble with alcohol, other women, anger control, etc. I have stood behind him for 21 years. Now that he is in the middle of another affair, His parents are saying that we both deserve to be happy and they support him. Unbelievable. I put on his retirement ceremony last year and they were all here. I have heard from them once since he moved out in April. Short memories or lack of loyalty I guess.

Jo,<P>Thanks. You can bet that as soon as I enter Plan B, you'll hear about it on this board....quite quickly. I'll be awaiting an explosive situation from my desk at work.<P>

Resilient-finally, somebody who has felt like me. I thought maybe I was crazy. My husband ended up coming back after a 9 month separation but I still, 5 years later, have a very hard time being with his family. They are very religious so I thought they would side with me, after all he had an affair with my best friend. But no, they stuck their heads in the sand and ignored the problem (they're famous for this) and I know they somehow justified it. She had only been married 6 months at the time! And we had both been in their wedding. I got NO support from them at all, but they made sure to DELIVER dinner to him, etc. I know they would have welcomed her just because they don't like conflict. It was one of the most painful things ever. I barely heard from any of them for almost a year. But when we started dating again, the first day they saw me...2 of them called me that night to say hello, welcome me back, etc. It was far too late by then and I can barely be polite even now. They told me that 'they couldn't judge him, it wasn't their job'...this from rigid Catholics whose son was with a divorced and remarried woman! What a joke. We are in counseling again and it's soooo painful as the truth is finally coming out...all the things he lied about for 5 years. I can't take the lying. He had every opportunity to tell the truth and chose not to. Said it was "between them" and he had talked to a priest and didn't have to tell me. I am very hurt. We go to counseling tomorrow night for the "bomb" and I'm so dreading it. I HAVE to know, have every right to. But it will be hard.<BR>So, YES, unfortunately I know just how badly you feel. It is very unfair. I will pray for your strength and serenity. Maggie Rose

I have to reply to this post because I feel like the same thing will befall me. I love my in-laws, and felt very, very close to them. They are very good "religious" (I really don't want to give that a bad name, being a pastor and all) people. But they have taken the position, "our daughter is wrong, but she's a big girl and we should keep our nose out of it."<P>I'm sorry, but if it were my kid, I'd stick my nose right in the middle of it. I'd continue to love the kid, but I would not support him or her, I would make sure he knew how I felt about what he/she was doing, and I would *not* accept the new person into the family. My own father told me in so many words that if I ever did something like that to my wife, he would treat me a lot worse. I would, btw, continue to accept the former wife or husband as long as they wanted to be accepted, and I would hope that would be till death. And I would *try* to accept the "new person" when the former husband or wife was remarried (thus removing any chance of reconciliation). I would also accept any children from the new marriage immediately. I know that sounds really legalistic, but it's the best I can figure out in this mess.<P>It just keeps hurting and hurting, doesn't it? The betrayal goes on and on. I know this is poor me, sniff, but I imagine this is why someone once said, "you shall not commit adultery."<P>It's like the past 23 years didn't happen, and suddenly, even though they know what their daughter is doing is wrong, they still believe all the junk she's said about me to justify the affair. I just make you writhe.<P>Sorry for the vent. God be with you.<P>Ish<BR>

Jo - I think your feelings are very well justified - it must feel like a continuing insult. But I hope you can find the strength not to dwell on it because you are Resilient.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Resilient:<BR><B><BR>p.s. WAT .. are Alien abductions and moose brain worms contagious and migrate throughout the WS's family? I'm half way serious here ... <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>In a manner of speaking, I think you're correct. Long before I found MB, I began describing my wife's behavior to my close supporters as explainable ONLY if she had had her brains scrambled by aliens - it was so bizarre. We all know that the "closer to clinical" explanation is the large degree of rationalization that has to take place to justify the WS's actions.<P>Why should this be excluded from the WS's extended family? To accept your XH's "new" family, his pre-existing family has to also rationalize his actions, or be deceived from the truth. So, they're possibly infected, too.<P>WAT

Hi, Jo. Honey I'm sorry you're having to deal with this too.<P>You're right, my SIL called me early in our separation and told me to move on. I did stay close to my wonderful MIL, but I gotta be honest, they included PT in EVERYTHING. SIL and MIL took her shopping out of town, they had her over for dinners, went with them to theme parks, Robert's b-day party, T-day, Christmas. I had to do my visiting later and take presents later so that SHE wouldn't be uncomfortable. Simple fact was, they were afraid of losing Robert if they rejected her.<P>Now that SIL and I are the best of friends and hang out at least once a week. She believed her brothers lies or what he THOUGHT was the truth at that point and I can't fault her for that. No she never apologized, it's frankly not her style. But once she realized what was really going on, she became a good friend and "helped" the cause! LOL that's enough for me.<P>It does hurt when you're "replaced" though. I was/am closer to Robert's family than my own and I was miserable not being able to be with them 'cause PT was. <P>((((((((((((Jo))))))))))))<P>Love,<P>Lori