I recently found out, by his ommission, that my husband has been having a long-term affair (1 1/2 years) with a co-worker (they are police officers). The girl is 25 years old and is married w/out children; my husband is 41 years old w/3 children. I am just devasted. <P>He did try to come home for two weeks, but he seems to not be able to let her go. From what I understand from his co-workers, she is definitely the aggressive, "the master manipulator" as one of his friends put it. But I do realize he didn't have to say yes. This affair seems like an obsession with him. <P>He tells me that he loves me and misses me and the children, yet he at times says he loves her. He has told his parents he doesn't see long-term with her. Yet he won't let go. <P>The latest was he told her on Father's Day that it was over. She came over that Wednesday to beg him back and he said no. He called me crying and in tears saying how sorry he was about everything. That he realizes God has been calling him to do what is right and he wants to work everything out but he needs time because he has screwed up so much and feels weak. Yet within 2 days he told me he was back with her.<P>What is it that she has over my husband? Will he ever realize what kind of person she is? What can they possibly have in common for the long-term? Will he leave us permantly to marry her and if so, will it last?<P>I have tried to be patient and loving, given the circumstances. This girl calls me and harrasses me and he knows this. She has been lying and playing her husband, too - he called me this weekend to confirm his suspicions. And when my husband and that girl found out, they called me to yell at me. I could hear her in the background barking orders to me. Why does he want someone like that?<P>Please help!

THERE is always hope. I am so sorry that allican offer you is a HUG and to let you know i read what you wrote. I do not know what to tellyou to do, except there is always hope.<P>------------------<BR>IN the words of BOB the BUILDER!!" WE can fix it, yes we can!!!"

Welcome to Marriage Builders. I am so sorry you had to find us, but be glad you did.<P>Why is your H doing those things? Simple (yet not so simple), he's in the fog. You are at a huge advantage over many on here in the fact that he admits that he wants to do the right thing.<P>My suggestion to you, is to read up on plan A on here, and plan A your heart out to him! (as a word of warning, it will take a few weeks for many of the principles to sink in ... there's a LOT of information on this site). <P>Also, find out about LB's (love busters), and avoid them at all costs. <P>Like it or not (it's probably not), you are in a war. You know who your enemy is (in short terms, the 'fog'), and it's time to work on getting your life back.<P>Keep on posting here. It's a wonderful place to vent. And so full of support it's incredible!<P>I'm sorry I cannot help you more right now... but I'm sure many others will help you soon... especially if you keep on posting questions and responses.<P>Take care!<P>Karen<BR>

You're not in the boat alone. I found in February that my husband of 20 years was having an affair with his (low class, unattractive, fat, smoking) co-worker. I have been DEVASTATED ever since. I feel like I have been to HELL and back several times. I threw him out, even though it is what he wanted. He said he thought I wanted out of the marriage too, I guess to justify his actions. In a MILLION years, I never thought he would do this. He is the most passive, procrastinating man I have ever met. Yet, he made the decision to have the affair. I still love him and want to save the marriage. It took him 2 1/2 months to finally apologize to me. It took me three months to get him to a counselor but now he is seeing one every week. He says he doesn't know what he wants; can't make a decision or a choice. I am sure he wants me to make the choice but I have told him repeatedly I am not filing for a divorce. If he wants out, he can file, I am not going to do it for him just like I have done everything else for him for 20 years. I am the driven, ambitious one who has enhanced his life in many many ways. He is living with his divorced brother of 67 (husband is 52) in an attic room. He is still paying all of his part of the bills in our 2 year old beautiful home. He drives by every Sunday and gets his mail from the mailbox. He hasn't changed his address and won't tell people we are separated. He won't admit his fault but keeps seeing her. We started out seeing each other but I got tired of feeling used and betrayed. So, I told him to leave me alone until he was done with her. I didn't talk to him for 14 days and then he called to see if "I paid his car bill." Great excuse. His clothes and belongings are still at the house, but our lives are in limbo. OW is loud, pushy, and totally the opposite of me. I have read almost ALL of Dr. Harley's books and found them an incredible source of comfort and knowledge. I would not have made it this far without them.<P>But what do I do now? Should I continue the No Contact until he is done with her? I am so lonely I could die and want to show him how much better our marriage CAN be, if given the chance. I won't play the High School girlfriend game with him, after all, I am his wife. I think having the people he works with know about his affair would be a huge pressure, but he has kept it quiet this long. He is very protective of his reputation, what's left of it. Am I doing the right thing by not seeing him?<P>Can you or anyone else out there who has been through this answer this question?<P>I know what the end result of his affair will be. We all do. They just can't ever see it and you can't tell them that. This is my first entry to the posting and I would like to see if someone can help me.<P>Thanks for your input. It REALLY helps to read your stories and know that there are others are feeling the same way I do. God Bless All of You In Pain