I AM NEW TO THIS AND I AM NOT SURE WHAT TO EXPECT. I MAKE NO EXCUSES FOR WHAT I HAVE DONE. I AM EXTREMELY DEPRESSED ABOUT THE DECISIONS I HAVE MADE. I TOLD MY H ON DAY ONE AND HE SAID HE COULD BE WITH ME. THE THING ABOUT IT IS THAT I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN DISGUSTED BY WHAT I NOW AM. I AM UNHAPPY ADN WITH THAT THERE WERE A WAY TO TURN BACK TIME. I HAD THING HAPPEN TO ME WHEN I WAS YOUNGER THAT MY H TOLD SOMEONE. WE WERE YOUNG WHEN WE GOT MARRIED AND FOR THE FIRST 4 YEARS OF OUR MARRIAGE I HAD TO CONSTANTLY HEAR ABOUT HOW I WOULD HAVE AN AFFAIR AND THE THINGS I SAID WHEN I WAS 17. I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER SAYING THOSE THINGS. EVER SINCE WE HAVE BEEN TOGETHER HE HAS THROWN THINGS IN MY FACE. WE TRIED COUNSELING BOTH BEFORE AND AFTER THE A. BOTH TIMES HE WOULD WALK OUT IF THE THERAPIST TOLD HIM THAT THERE WAS ANYTHING HE NEEDED TO CHANGE. I KNOW I AM SCUM, BUT WHAT AM I SUPPOSE TO DO NOW. HE WANTS TO BE WITH ME-BUT NOT REALLY HELP!!<P>I AM GLAD THAT THE REPLIES I HAVE GOTTEN WERE NOT NEGATIVE. AS FOR THE QUESTIONS OF WHAT IS GOING ON I WILL TRY TO EXPLAIN. WHEN WE MET I WAS DATING SOMEONE ELSE. I BROKE UP WITH HIM AND GAVE ALL OF MY TIME AND ATTENTION TO MY H. I STAYED AT HOME INSTEAD OF GOING AWAY FOR COLLEGE AND LITTLE THINGS LIKE THAT. ONE TIME I WENT TO HIS HOUSE AND HE HAD A GUN TO HIS HEAD SAYING HE WAS GOING TO KILL HIMSELF. I STAYED WITH HIM AND MADE SURE THAT HE WAS HAPPY. RIGHT BEFORE WE GOT MARRIED (2 YEARS LATER) WE GOT INTO A PRETTY BIG ARGUEMENT ABOUT SUICIDE. I WALKED OFF AND MY EXBOYFRIEND GAVE ME A RIDE HOME. HE KISSED ME AND I SLAPPED HIM. MY H NEVER FORGAVE ME FOR THIS. FOR FOUR LONG YEARS I HEARD ABOUT THIS ALMOST 2-3 TIMES A WEEK. HE STARTED BRINGING THIS GUY HOME AND WE WOULD ALL SIT AROUND AND VISIT. I DID NOT HAVE ANY GIRLFRIENDS BECAUSE I HAD GIVEN THEM UP WHEN WE STARTED DATING. AFTER THE FIRST WEEK HE STARTED SAYING I WAS HAVING AN AFFAIR IN MY MIND WITH HIS FRIEND. HE WOULD PUSH ME OUT THE DOOR WHEN HE LEFT & LOCK IT. THEN HE WOULD TELL ME TO GO GET MY LOVER. AFTER ABOUT A YEAR OF THIS I SLEPT WITH HIS FRIEND-WHO KNEW EVERYTHING THAT WAS GOING ON. I FELT HORRIBLE AND THE REST IS WRITTEN ABOVE. I HAVE LEARNED A LOT FROM THIS WEBSITE AND I AM SO GRATEFUL FOR ALL OF THE PEOPLE OUT THERE. I KNOW THERE IS HOPE-IT'S JUST SO HARD TO SEE.<P>------------------<BR>OVERBOARD<p>[This message has been edited by RAINEFALL (edited June 27, 2001).]

RAINEFALL<P>You've done the right thing by coming to this website. The people who post here can be a great support for you.Have you read through the information in the website? I strongly suggest you do. You then need to choose a plan of action to bring you and your H closer.<P>By being in plan A you can work on your marriage and yourself. It sounds like you have self-esteem issues?<P>I am so sorry for what you are going through and we are all here for you.<P>Can you give us more information about what is going on between your H and you?

rainefall,<BR>First I want to tell you that you are not scum!!! God created each of us in His image, but it is up to us to show His character. You just made a mistake that you take full responsibility for and that is a very good thing. <BR>Next, you can only change yourself. You cannot change your H. He has to change himself when he is ready.<BR>Now I'm not quite clear on what happened. Did you have an A when you were younger or was it recently?<P>And you picked out the best place to come to get help. Keep reading everything you can here. But most of all, don't believe yourself to be scum. You are not!!!

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by MAEZY:<BR><B>RAINEFALL<P>You've done the right thing by coming to this website. The people who post here can be a great support for you.Have you read through the information in the website? I strongly suggest you do. You then need to choose a plan of action to bring you and your H closer.<P>By being in plan A you can work on your marriage and yourself. It sounds like you have self-esteem issues?<P>I am so sorry for what you are going through and we are all here for you.<P>Can you give us more information about what is going on between your H and you?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Thank you for your support. I don't really have a lot of really close people around me and I am trying to be a great mother and wife to make up for everything. I only spend my time with my h. now and I let him have his space when it bothers him. I am working on a plan. I am trying to see through his eyes and I am trying to be there for him and put him first.<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by dlm:<BR><B>rainefall,<BR>First I want to tell you that you are not scum!!! God created each of us in His image, but it is up to us to show His character. You just made a mistake that you take full responsibility for and that is a very good thing. <BR>Next, you can only change yourself. You cannot change your H. He has to change himself when he is ready.<BR>Now I'm not quite clear on what happened. Did you have an A when you were younger or was it recently?<P>And you picked out the best place to come to get help. Keep reading everything you can here. But most of all, don't believe yourself to be scum. You are not!!!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Thank you. I had the A recently. It has been more difficult for me than anyone knows. I remember when my h. use to tell me that I was having an affair with OM and I wasn't even having those thoughts. I use to sit and cry and wonder what else I would have to do to prove I wasn't. I guess I messed up because I ended proving his insecurities. I have learned a lot from this website and I am hoping to convert my new knowledge into actions for my marriage.<BR>

Rainefall,<BR>We all have a lot to learn. Some on here are very helpful and some will not be. Read all you can. And be extra patient with your husband. And most of all be good to yourself. You just made a mistake that will time and God's help can be rectified. Nothing will be the same, but it can become better if both parties are willing to work at it.<P>you are in my prayers.<BR>debbie