I have asked before, but I really need some help composing an apology letter to the ex-wife of the now ex-OM. I am not sure what to say. I want her to know how sorry I am for all the pain I caused her for my part in the A. <P>What I would like to know is there things I shouldn't say?<BR>Are there things I should say? I am so very sorry for hurting her and changing her whole life. As I chose to rebuild my marriage, that decision was taken away from her when her H, the OM, decided to divorce her thinking he would be with me. Even I didn't have an input on that decision. Now that I look back, I know that was a key turning point for me. <P>But I really would like to know if there is anything I could say to convey how sorry I am or if I should just leave it alone since she has moved on. I would have to send it to her email since I don't know her address.<P>Any input would be greatly appreciated.

If I received an apology letter from the guy my wife had an affair with I doubt if that would make me feel better. No it would not help me at all. It might even make me more angry to have some contact with this guy. You did the damage. There is nothing you can do to make the other woman feel better. I would leave it. Do you expect forgiveness. I don't think you will get it from her. You just have to live with the fact that you and her husband ruined someone's life. It doesn't mean you are a bad person now for the rest of your life but you did what you did.

Rodger,<P>I don't expect forgiveness, that is all up to her. And I don't look at myself as a bad person. Just a person who made a terrible mistake, but is completely and totally forgiven by God and my husband. that is all that counts! <BR>I wanted to know from others if it would hurt the BS more to receive an apology. If that is the case, then I will just leave things alone. <BR>

If you say you have been forgiven by God and your H and that is all that counts then why in the world would you send this woman an apology letter. Just to ease your conscience? So this woman has to now receive a reminder of a painful past by receiving a letter to say YOUR sorry. She is sorry too, she is sorry that her H had an affair, she is sorry that she is now a statistic for the 50% divorce rate, and she is sorry that her future plans had to change. No, do not interfere in this woman's world anymore. Leave her alone and let her move on with her life.

I doubt anything the OM of my WS could say to me would make me feel any better.<P>Leave it alone.

I appreciate the replies. and I'm so sorry that I struck a nerve with this request.

I feel badly that you seem to be upset at the responses you've gotten. Let me throw in my own two cents worth.<P>Let me get up front that my WH and I are still together, so it's not the same situation. Ws life was, as you say, changed without her having an active part in the decision-making process.<P>I met with and spoke to Ow at great length. She has apoloziged, cried and asked for my forgiveness. As a matter of fact, I had printed out a posting from here that perfectly explained the way I felt about her and what she SHOULD have been feeling as a "homewrecker." During our conversation, she admitted feeling each and every point made in the posting. I never gave it to her-- didn't need to.<P>It meant a lot to me to hear her apologize. I actually have a bit more respect for her because she apologized (H never has). <P>BUT-- "I won." I still have H. Your xOM's xW does not. She must be grieving tremendously. Unless you know her, I'd tread very carefully on this. Write the letter, but don't send it unless you are sure of her reaction.<P>JMHO...<P>Smile... and move beyond this. Do your pennance here, by helping others.

I see nothing wrong with a heartfelt note of remorse and sorrow for having hurt another in the senseless act of infidelity. Your intentions seem sincere and honorable, even with the realization that your message may not be very well received. But who can second guess that? How you feel in your heart is what counts, and if you want to share your sentiments with someone you helped betray, then do so. The wife of your paramour has a bigger job forgiving her ex than you, for it is he she should be more angry with.<P>Nell

This is a toughie. I think we're all divided on what is the best thing here. While it might open her wounds. You showing her your remorse might make it possible for her to forgive you, which could be a key component in her letting go and moving on. Maybe she would be helped by MB, although It's not clear that she would take any help you offered as an act of kindness. <P>I still wonder what the h*** OM was thinking. But I won, so I don't have quite the same painful feelings when I think about it. I've often considered writing OM myself, hoping to get an explanation. But, I really want things to fade away as much as possible.<P>If you're looking for penance, you've already helped lot's of us here (me included). <P> -- Jeffers

thanks again for the responses. No, I'm not upset over the some of the responses. They were what I expected. And by going back over some scenes that happened with the xw, I have decided to just leave it all alone. I was taught that when you wrong someone you should apologize and ask for forgiveness if you truly mean it. Now it is up to the other person whether they feel they can forgive or not. But in this extreme situation, I think I will just end up causing her to relive things and hurt her more. I just want her to find this site and get some healing in all this.<BR>Even for me the situation escalated beyond any control I thought I had. <BR>Thanks again for the responses. As for doing penance, I don't look at trying to help others as penance. Marriage is worth all the fight, struggle and hard work. And I have found when I put God back into the center of mine, everything else fall into place. So I choose to share my story in the hope that I can help someone else.

Doing a no-contact letter to the OP is fine. But beyond that, it is hard to see the value in sending the OP's spouse a letter of apology.<P>Let it lay, and move on, JMHO.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL