My H who had a year long A with a single coworker says he 'doesn't know why he did it.' He said it was emotionally building for 9 mo of it before it became physical also- I find it interesting that he was that emotionally involved with ANYONE because he has trouble expressing his inner feelings to me. Even now that we're trying to reconcile he rarely is very emotionally expressive. How could he be this involved with OW and not know why? We've been married 15 yrs- I thought happily.We are in counseling and the counselor said to me in an individual session that I"ll never find an answer that will satisfy me about it. But why can't H explain why he did it? I cant seem to work thru this part of it in my mind and so I worry that he might do it again eventually. Did any of your WS 's tell you why?

Let's see...<BR>I have told him what to do all of our marriage. I don't listen to him. I don't admire and respect him. I have s*** on him all of your marriage. He should have never gotten married in the first place.<P>Take your pick.<P>Cali

LIM, My H and I are rebuilding our marriage after his 2 yr affair with a co worker. He has recently revealed that their positions in this company gave them opportunity to build a friendship. It turned emotional when she wanted to "talk about personal problems with him". She complained about her husband, sex life and children.<BR>H gradually found himself caring about her and sympathizing. It wasn't long before he tried to kiss her and the rest is history. <BR>He also could not talk about feelings but managed to tell her a great deal about us. It is hard to figure out why this happens. This OW had a history of seducing MM and H was number 5. <BR>She is out of the picture now and we are just trying to get me to a point of real forgiveness with less pain. Listen closely when he does talk, and give him lots of time. If you respond too quickly he may stop talking. I have sat for several minutes and H will continue with his thoughts. <BR>LAD

i think there all reasons, but i think that most of them are b@#$ s%$#. my H said he didn't think i wanted him anymore because i was punishing him for staying online all nite. i did tell him i was punishing him by not having sex but only because i felt lonely. he would rather have stayed online all nite and come to bed at 4-5 am and expect sex after waking me from a dead sleep. i don't think so.<BR>so, since he woulldn't come to bed with me, we had sex maybe 2-3 times/month. not very often. i like sex just as much as the next person, but why should i have to give it to someone who wouldn't even come to bed with me?<P><BR>so that was part of my H excuse. others were lke strongerincali's: i don't love and respect him, i have always told him what to do....etc blah blah blah.....the list i am sure is neverending.....<P>anyways, don't know if this helps, but hope it answers some questions....there was "something" that made him do what he did....i think a lot of it is consideration for themselves and no consideration for the person they married....selfishness, attitude.....i don't think they realize how it will affect their spouse and family.<P>good luck and take care....bluegirl

Wow and the only response i got was<BR> "I was selfish [censored]"<BR> hmmmmm thought it was something i did

<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I find it interesting that he was that emotionally involved with ANYONE because he has trouble expressing his inner feelings to me. Even now that we're trying to reconcile he rarely is very emotionally expressive.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Yep. I relate to that statement. At this point, all he can say is that he was terribly confused and mistook what he felt for love. <P>The way the counselor explained it was that he had shut down all his feelings for such a long time (like,his whole life), that when he did begin to feel alone and allowed a friend to "reach" him emotionally a little bit, his emotional reaction was dramatic. Sort of like a plant that has been half-starved for water getting a drink, I suppose. Makes sense to me, actually.

Very interesting thread, may I jump in?<P>My H had a E/P affair 7+ years ago. I wanted to know why he did it, he gave me countless reasons, which as I look back were mostly rationalizations (I don't listen to him, I don't laugh at his jokes, I don't understand him), but what I did get from all that was "He didn't feel connected to me". My H is a musician and has worked nights out entire married life, where as I am an Engineer and worked days. We had to steal small chunks of time to be together. At first it was kind of romantic, but after a few years it became a real effort. <P>I don't attribute the "lack of time spent together" as the only contributing factor, I know there must be more. But I do believe in the Harley's theory of 15 hours min a week is required to achieve a connected marriage.<P>Just my 2 cents ... <P>Lv,<BR>Jo<P>------------------<BR>"Remain flexible like a reed, as opposed to an oak which can snap in the wind"

No. The closest my xW ever came was, "Why did you make me do it?"<P>Life goes on, and some things I guess we were not meant to know.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

5 years worth- multiple affairs- meaningless sex <P>reasons-<BR>not your fault- devil made me do it<P>WHATEVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<P>TLFM<BR>

Because my wife was feeling bad and angry with me. Because I didn't send her enough money when she was in China. Because the other guy helped her with family things. Because she didn't want to disturb the people across the hall from her so she let him do it. Because I would never find out. Because he was very handsome and a smooth talker. Because she missed hugging me. Because she loved me too much. Because she didn't think he had sex on his mind the second time he did it with her, he only wanted to talk. Because all the ladies liked this man. Because all the men do this over there. I think that covers most of the reasons for my wife's affair that she told me about.

oh yeah i forgot the "REAL" reaason.........<BR>becuase she reminded me of you.....<P><BR>ummmmmmmm........ i think that one is a topper

My H said that one too! She reminds me of you. He also used Cali's H's lines, especially I don't admire and respect him. He says, I want to see someone "shine" for me like OW does. He also says he never loved me. His main reason is that he accused me of loving an old boyfriend from 20+ years ago more than him.

Sorry people but I think I have the most honest WS in the room. He says it was moose brain worms and alien abduction. Or was it moose brain aliens and worm abductions? I don't recall?<P>Help WAT, give me a hand. Have you figured him out yet?<P>Z<P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

okay I will give this one a go<P>SEX SEX SEX and not even great sex! Thats why he did just for the sex oh and cause she would hang out in sleazy bars with him and get drunk (cheep hussy!)thats it no emotional ties at all<BR>oh and this is twice in 2 years (that I know of) both different gals<BR>

Hmmm. I dont' think we really ever discussed his "reasons". Many times the reasons the WS gives are really only lame justifications anyway. H took full responsibility for his actions and I think the true reasons were pretty evident since he was diagnosed with severe depression and the Dr. basically said he was dangerously close to a breakdown. In the end the "reasons" didn't matter since it had almost nothing to do wiht the previous state of our marraige and almost everythign to do with his mental state.

My H had a 5 month long EA with a married coworker which turned PA in the last week of the A......after he had left me the second time.<BR>When he asked to come home this last time he sat down and cried and said....I don't know why I did it...I guess because it was something new.<BR>I however know now that it went beyond that.<BR>For years I had been pushing him away for reasons I can't even really explain. We both got to the point where we thought each other was over the marriage. Lack of communication.<BR>She was there as a friend at first and helped everything along by getting my H to feel sorry for her....by saying her H beat her....which we know now as a lie.<BR>My H has never once said that I had anything to do with the reason he had an A.....he takes full responsibility but now I know that I didn't make him do what he did....but I also didn't do enough to make him NOT want to have an A.<BR>