This is my first post, but I have been reading for several months. My husband and I had lots of conflict in our marriage, and he got his own apartment two years ago. He said that there was no one else, but I had clues, and I had read that when a spouse leaves, there is an extremely high probability that they are having an affair. I had become very codependent in this relationship, so I began working on changing things about me - I improved my self-confidence, saw a therapist, worked hard at my job and was promoted, re-established relationships with friends, etc. Meanwhile, my husband was coming to the house about once a week. We spent the holidays together with our families. It was a very strange time. We actually were getting along better than when we lived together. Last fall, my husband said he would like to spend more time together, and we started discussing what had gone wrong and how we could improve. I thought we were making some progress. The holidays were wonderful, he sent me flowers on Valentine's Day (which he never did before), and six weeks ago, he moved his stuff back in. Here is the really strange part...we have never discussed him coming back. He just started staying over and eventually he was here. Because I was happy to have him back in my life, I didn't really care if we discussed it. In fact I was happy to avoid it because I didn't want to bring up old pain. The problem that I am now facing is that last week, he went on a business trip on Tuesday, and then called me at work on Friday to tell me he had to extend it for two days. I was OK with that since he has been so attentive and seems to want to reconcile. However, I came home Friday night and realized he had been in the house. Probably called from our house. I'm sure he didn't think I would be so observant, but a window was open and his softball gear was gone. (He plays on Friday nights, and the gear was there on Thursday) He walked in on Sunday night, and it took every ounce of energy to be civil. I had two days to digest his lying. I decided to wait and see if he would explain where he was all weekend. Today is Wed and no explanation. These past few days, he has been overly affectionate and loving. He has complimented me many times, and said he loved me before leaving for work yesterday. (He doesn't say it often) I am baffled. I, of course, have no proof where he was, but I am suspecting the worst. I was feeling so up about things, but now I don't know. Not sure if I am strong enough to follow your advice just yet, but would still appreciate it. Should I ask about last weekend and if so how do I phrase it? I would like to stay married, so how does Plan A apply when he does not know what I know? Should I just go on and enjoy this perceived happiness and hope that was just a one-time mistake. Is he really ready to reconcile? Why did he move back in? He has had two years to actually leave me permanently. I think he had been amazed at how much progress I have made in myself during this time. Have I become more attractive to him, so he is afraid I would have filed for divorce? I'm just rambling with questions. Hope someone can help me understand the "actual" situation I am facing.

Given that he moved back in, and supposedly that signals that he wants the marriage to work, I think total honesty is necessary, and therefore you should discuss your findings with him concerning his strange weekend.<P>Wait and see what others say, but I don't think you can just let it go.<P>Also, some sort of marriage counselling would be necessary for you two I would think. I don't think it is healthy to just move back together and not discuss things to resolve what was wrong. As a minimum, get His Needs/Her Needs, and Surviving An Affair (depending on the circumstances), and work on it yourselves.<P>I think that not doing something constructive to improve the marriage and deal with things could pose further problems down the road.<P>Keep working on you, because it sounds like you did a really good job on that.

Thanks for your reply. Being new to this, it just felt better knowing there are people available to share with. <P>I am wondering if anyone follows Plan A without confronting their WS? If I were presently feeling like our relationship had hit rock bottom, and I were wondering if I even liked my H (which used to happen quite frequently), it would be easy for me to confront. It would probably be in an irrational and unproductive manner, but I would have let it all out. However, these past few months, we have been careful of each other's feelings, laughed more often, been more affectionate, and actually enjoyed being together. I am terrified of "rocking the boat" and losing those things. If I weren't suspecting there might still be someone else, this would be the way I would want our marriage.<P>Tonight when he left for softball, he asked me why I looked somber. I said that it makes me sad that I am do not attend his games anymore, and I am not included in many other activities. We both have grown as individuals this past couple of years. He said that this was a time for him to hang with the guys, but he said he feels bad that I am not comfortable with it. He never did have much time with friends before-(we are not from the area and don't have many close friends here), so I do respect the time with them. However, since he moved back, we don't spend much quality time together, and we have had no serious talks. So I am not actually insecure about the games, I guess I am uncertain about the entire marriage. Anyway, he said that maybe we should talk about some things this weekend. I told him I would like that. Is that a good sign that he wants to talk finally?<P>Any thoughts? Should I talk of my insecurities in general terms? I want him to feel safe in the conversation also. After all, I would like to have a better marriage than before.

First and foremost…<P>Have you read the book “Surviving an Affair”. It is must read in your situation. The books “His Needs, Her Needs” and “Love Busters” are other must-reads.<P>The MB concepts include such things as the rules of protection, care, time and honesty. They are of utmost importance to a working marriage. <P>My bet is that your husband moved back in the way he did because he wanted to and did not know how the bring the subject up to you. I would highly suggest that you talk about his moving back and the parameters under which you are willing to continue a marriage with him. You have done so much work on yourself. <P>Now do that work on your marriage. One of the basic problems I see in your situation is that there is no structure in place for recovering your marriage. He just moved back in and things are supposed to be ok. If the two of you do not talk about things your marriage is going to slip back to where it was before. <P>But before you do this please read the books. My suggestion is that you not ask him about his “extended” trip until you have read “Surviving an Affair” (SSA). Radical honesty is a must in your marriage. After having that under your belt, then bring it up the mysterious extended trip, your lack of trust, and that you need some rules set in place in order for your marriage to continue. The ask him to read SSA. <P>A word about love busters. Since MB is built on a foundation of radical honesty, it is never a love buster to tell your spouse your feelings, fears, etc. The love buster is in the delivery ….if it is delivered with drama, crying, screaming, incriminations, guilt, etc. That is the love buster. <P>Z<BR><P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

Everron:<P>Great job on the make-over on you! Way to go. Now, the disadvantage you have in all this, is that you set no perameters when he "slipped" back in home. You are obviously an immensely attractive woman to him right now, and his intentions are obvious. He doesn't want to lose you. However, having said that, if you are "scared to rock the boat" on certain issues, then he may as well move back to his apartment, if there's to be no accountability on his part. What you demand is certainly more than that, and what you deserve. Don't forget too quckly the lessons you learned when becoming more independent after the break with him.<P>Complete honesty is a pre-requisite here. Don't ease up on him. You're a great catch, after all! Establish if he's seeing someone else. If so, OUT THE DOOR! Plan A requirements are;<BR>exclusivity<BR>commitment<BR>meeting EN's ( or a commitment to trying)<BR>POJA ( policy of joint agreement, go read it )<BR>no contact ( if after an A, )<BR>...and so on.<P>..for anything else, PLAN B! Don't compromise. It doesn't work! Have courage, he came running bcak, remember? If he's serious ( you only want him if he's serious, OK ), he will respect, comply, turn tricks, do anything to come back.<P>Good Luck!<BR>muzohead<BR>

Thanks for the advice. I am going to order the books you suggested right away. I definately realize I need some tools to help me through this constructively.

Everron,<BR>muzohead said;<BR><B>Establish if he's seeing someone else. If so, OUT THE DOOR! Plan A requirements are;<BR>exclusivity<BR>commitment<BR>meeting EN's ( or a commitment to trying)<BR>POJA ( policy of joint agreement, go read it )<BR>no contact ( if after an A, )<BR>...and so on.<P>..for anything else, PLAN B! Don't compromise. It doesn't work! Have courage, he came running bcak, remember? If he's serious ( you only want him if he's serious, OK ),</B><BR>This is not according to Harley.<BR>A good Plan A is essential. Show him you can be loving and caring even if he is totally disrespecting you. Read SAA and do Plan A as long and as good as possible. It is difficult, but not impossible.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

You need a bump up to the top for more advice. Good luck to you.<p>[This message has been edited by veryhurtwife (edited July 04, 2001).]

Dear Everron,<P>Some men don't like confrontation. The general term is conflict avoiders. My H is similar. H tried to move back in a few times (he moved out for 4 months), without discussing it. I stopped him and told him, if the proper things were not discussed he could not move back since there was no reason given, we did not know what to expect and I would not be an easy out for H's problems. The way for him to come back had requirements, he had to bring value to family, take care & meet our needs & learn to love us again. <P>This was and is a tall order for my H. He much rather be a bump on the log than fight for his family. This is where our confrontation is right now. Though H agreed to do the things I requested, his actions proved he was not willing to do enough. Token service at best is what he is doing. He has been informed that it is not acceptable and he knows that if I only put the effort he has, we'd already be divorced. <P>Now do you need an explanation as to where he was the last few days? Does your emotional need require the answer to that question and others? If yes, then you need to ask him. Now the technique is important. Regardless of how you handle it, your H may get defensive and a bit hostile be prepared. Your feelings may get hurt again. I sure hope not but you never know. <P>You can let him know that you are confused by his actions and see what he says. Then pay attention to his words then watch his actions. <P>Do you feel that the attention your WS shows you is genuine? That is another deciding factor. <P>L.