Okay--here's the deal.<P>You know I came home from grocery store and confessed all.<P>He went into "I don't want to pay for mistake forever." I told him he didn't have to. I was better than that. Besides, I found this website and the Harley material and I KNEW beyond a shadow of the doubt that our marriage could be better than before.<P>I asked him to come here and 'talk' with you all. That you wouldn't judge him...but you would listen to him and lift him up as you have done me.<P>He came to the site...the home page for about 5 minutes....there's a chance he might come back....I would like to create a post for him to reassure him.<P>G. I love you. What we have been going through the last 2 months has been the most difficult thing two people could go through. I will not abandon you in your time of need. I love you and intend on always loving you.<P>I want our marriage to succeed. I want our family to become stronger and better. WE can do this. WE have always been able to do anything when WE work together. <P>Please believe in me, believe in the concepts that MarriageBuilders has to offer, but most importantly believe in yourself. YOU are, and have always been, worthy of success and all the good things that life can bring to you.<P>Love,<P>Theddie

To cali's H<P>I wuld love for an opportunity to support the both of you in making your marriage better. My H felt as you did, it can never be worked past, too much damage. I want you to know your wife is right. It can be done. If you both want it, it is never too late to make it better.<P>I will be here for you as I know many others will to, to try to help you in dealing with your feelings and questions.<P>You have a wonderful wife, and I hope you won't make the mistake of settling for following your current path because you feel you can't go back, instead of being happily married and having your family together again. Anything worth having is worth fighting for! <P>Hope we see you soon!<P>

G (Cali's H):<P>Welcome to MarriageBuilders. You are not alone here. I, like you, initiated an affair. Today, only months later, our marrige is back on track, thriving in ways the two of us would not have believed possible.<P>As the WS (Wayward Spouse in MBese), we are also welcomed here: this isn't a spouse-bashing place ... well, mostly it isn't, and definitely isn't for those who come here with the sole intent of rebuilding their marriages.<P>So, in some aspects, we have something in common. Hopefully, we can help you extend that commonality by having you join us in MB's and Dr. Harley's methods of rebuilding marriages.<P>I can also see your W's (Wife's) side, too, as my two previous exW's left after initiating affairs. I, too, watched my father depart. So, I have seen this from about every angle. The destruction that is wrought by this, particularly when divorce is involved, is devastating to all concerned, particularly to children. Therefore, working toward rebuilding a loving, caring relationship will not only benefit you and Cali (as your wife is known here), it will extend to your children as well.<P>So. You are probably torn, confused, and don't know which way is up. You harbor anger, resentment and hurts of your own. Welcome to the club: this is the place to heal them.<P>You will learn many things here and in Dr. Harley's books (Surviving an Affair, and Her Needs, His Needs -- or is that vice versa? I always get it confused). Much of it will be completely foreign in concept: but believe me, I wish they taught this to high school seniors.<P>Here is the upside: meet her needs, she will meet yours, and you will come to realize a depth of marriage beyond that which you have known.<P>Congratulations, G, you are making the most profound and important step you could make at this point in your life. You and Cali have both paid a steep toll to enter this road you are on, now it is time to chart the course toward a fulfilling ending to the story.<P>I, and most others here, look forward to talking with you, sharing with you, learning from you. For in this community, that is what we do: we help each other pioneer our way through these perilous waters to a final, fulfilling destination. Welcome aboard.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL<BR><p>[This message has been edited by SeenTheLight (edited June 27, 2001).]

Hi G, as one of the WS here, I try to add some balance to the BS viewpoint. We are people too, and do have valid issues, so you are not alone. You have to assess for yourself your feelings for cali, but i will say this....the MB stuff is very democratic, it does not favor one spouse over another, and the skills are life skills, worthy of learning for your own self. What I like particularly best is the concept of LB (love busters), and the um...... restraint it imposes on strong-willed spouses.....try it, you'll like it, and you will be heard. Now so far you have not fared so well (as is usual when one is not around to defend themselves), so let's hear your side.

StrongerInCali's Husband,<P>Hello,<P>I am an (xWS) also. I'll help out in any way I can as well.<BR>Someone to just talk with, or someone to listen. Whichever you would like, I'm available.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers, Hugs, and Strength from both of us. Things do and can get better. Keep hoping, learning, and growing. Take care of yourself.<P>[H] and Knewjie<p>[This message has been edited by [H] (edited June 28, 2001).]

G,<P>I am a BS (Betrayed Spouse). My husband uses the handle SeenTheLight here. There are several couples here who come here for support. <P>I just wanted to let you know that everyone is welcome here. <P>My experience is that using Marriage Builders (MB) concepts a marriage can not only recover from an affair but also can actually grow and become much better then it was before. <P>MB is not about finger pointing or blame. It is about looking at what each of the spouses contributed to the state of the marriage. An affair is a symptom of a marriage that needs work. <P>G, we are all human and we all make mistakes in this life. There is forgiveness and redemption. Despite the water under the bridge, you marriage can recover.<P>Z<P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare<P>[This message has been edited by zorweb (edited June 28, 2001).] <BR><p>[This message has been edited by zorweb (edited June 28, 2001).]

Time to send this to the top: come on everyone, pitch in!<P>Prayers and thoughts for both Cali and G,<BR>Godspeed,<BR>STL

<B>zorweb</B> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> MB is not about finger pointing or blame. It is about looking at what each of the spouses contributed to the state of the marriage. An affair is a symptom of a marriage that needs work. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I think that’s a keeper.<P>G, as a former WS myself, I can assure you that working on your marriage in this manner will be the hardest thing you will ever do... and the most rewarding. Nothing worthwhile is ever easy, but this can be the most worthwhile thing you have ever done. Look at what she said... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> G. I love you. What we have been going through the last 2 months has been the most difficult thing two people could go through. I will not abandon you in your time of need. I love you and intend on always loving you.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>See... even in the wording... <B>we.</B> It’s not about her or you, it’s about you <B>both.</B> <P>To paraphrase a line from Surviving an Affair, wouldn’t the best of all worlds be a wonderful, happy marriage... with your wife? It can be done, even if it might not seem so at the moment. Cali is willing to forgive your transgressions and work on the marriage, to make it all it can be... can’t you do the same?<BR><P>------------------<BR>Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die

Just wanted to give this a bump to the top hoping that you might read or re read this Efft.

Right on!! (ok...im old!!...LOL)<P>Cali...wonderfully said!! <P>G...we will help in anyway we can...and if I offended you in anyway...please forgive...it was not my intention! I do believe the fact that you came here and took the time to read and respond...says alot! <P>Sending you two to the top again!<P>*Out of our greatest fears, come our bravest deeds!*<P>Ron

Is Efftupmylife your husband Cali? If so then he's got alot of anger built up inside and he needs to let it all out. And the best place to vent is here. He may have some harsh words to say but we all know he's only saying it out of anger. I hope that he will come back here so that we can help him more. Take care.

Yes, he does have a lot of pent up anger...anger that until this all happened I was unaware of...he has not been good about taking care of himself in the 'needs' department. I guess we both have been guilty of that.<P>Thanks SOOO much to everyone. I too hope he will continue to vent and post and get it out...I know how much it has helped me to be able to.<P>HUGs,<P>Cali