Hi,<BR> This may seem like a weird question. D Day was 13 April. My H had sex with me twice that weekend. Not on D Day, which was Friday 13th April (Good Friday) ha, ha, but when I said I wanted to forgive him two days later, (Easter Sunday) we made love twice. IT HAS NEVER HAPPENED SINCE. You may have read from my other posts that my H works away Mon to Fri. By the time he came home the following weekend, he said he was really missing OW and cried, in fact he wailed. Ever since then he has pushed me away if I have tried to even link arms or show any affection at all, saying he cannot do that because of his feelings for OW. By the time it got to June he had decided that when he was at home, he would sleep in the guest room, saying it wasn't fair on me if he slept in the same bed when he didn't "feel like that" towards me. Now that I've started plan A (I didn't find this sight until 10 days ago), I realise that I musn't push him into anything that he doesn't want so I've started to just give the impression that I've accepted the NO SEX thing. I even had the spare bed made up ready for when he got back on Friday evening and said nothing about it. I just wondered, are any of you in plan A actually having sex with your WS?

Hi Wounded,<P>It must have been very difficult for you to make up the bed in the guest room. How did your H react? What a strange thing - to play any part in our spouses rejection of us.<P>My H and I still have a physical relationship. I am happy for it because it leaves me feeling needed by him in some way. I think it bothers him though. I think he would like to not still fee attracted to me and to only have feelings towards the OW. D day for us was May 16. The A is still in full swing. We are not yet to the point where he will consider for more then a single moment or conversation working on our marriage. I am trying to use Plan A. Its getting easier - or if not easier which certainly isnt true - cleared - in my head.<P>Good Luck,<P>I hope the guest bed gets really really dusty.<P>

My H and I are still physical. In some ways it is better than before. D-day for me was 6/12 and at that time he said A had been over for a few weeks. He is still in the"fog" by not knowing what he wants -but at least I know he still wants me to some extent. It must be hard having him in the guest room. I hope it doesn't last too long. Good luck!

Thanks for your reply.<BR>In some ways, although the lack of sex makes me feel totally rejected, it also makes me love him more in a strange sort of way. At least he must have some sort of respect for me if he cannot bring himself to sleep wth me while he is still thinking about her, still phoning her and (possibly) still seeing her occasionally. If he ever does manage to ditch the OW (seems a long way off at the moment) then does sleep with me, at least I might be able to use the sex, or no sex thing to guage whether it really is over between them or not, ie, if the sex stopped again maybe it would indicate that he was seeing her again. I don't know, he may never choose me over her! He said a couple of weeks ago that " if he did make love with me, he wanted to be sure that it was because he really loved me, and that at the moment he didn't know if he loves me or not because of his feelings for OW" This is so difficult when I am the one who has been wronged. I want to forgive him and want to sleep with him, but he cannot do it! He only had sex with me about twice whilst the physical affair was happening, at the time I though his lack of interest was due to the stress of moving house.(We moved house 2 March) The physical affair started in January, and supposedly ended 31 March. We only had sex about twice during that time. At least I know he cannot have sex with her then come back and sleep with me. Its really hard though. Its driving me up the wall. What are other's experiences on this one? Sex or no Sex?" That is the question.

Nope, no sex. For the first 6 weeks after d-day, also 6/12, we had great sex. Monday last, he told me he was dumping OW. Tuesday pm, he told me we are separating and he wants to see kids on weekends when he comes home from out of town. He works in another city every week. So he sleeps on futon in living room. Doesn't want the kids to know we are separated but 17 yr old comes in at 11:00 pm and sees him sleeping in the living room. <BR> I'm pretty sure he's going to leave me for greener pastures. He wishes I wouldn't be so nice to him. Been in plan A since beginning. I guess he wants to do it the hard way. <BR> Response to "Hope after affair". I do. I will be whole again, whatever happens. I have more love in my life than he could ever hope for. But, because of my religious beliefs, I can never love again in that way unless he dies. But then, Jesus loved me all the way to the cross. <BR> No sex? I appreciated it while I had it. But I can live without it. I should have been a nun.<BR> God's strength will bear me up. <P>------------------<BR>Rejoice in hope, endure in affliction, persevere in prayer. Romans 12:12

Hi its not a weird question- its one I thought ALOT about. My H's A was with a single coworker- heavily EA before PA- as soon as it turned PA around last October he quit being intimate with me. Claimed he was too tired, stressed, came to bed at strange hrs etc. By Jan I figured he must be involved with someone - the no intimacy plus other clues,by Valentines day he finally confessed he was in love with OW and was leaving me for her. He slept with OW that wk so I asked him to move out which he did for a month . Then came home said he wanted to reconcile but still slept on the couch. I wanted intimacy because I felt SO REJECTED!I asked him to move out again at this point but he wouldnt because he was afraid it would affect his getting custody of our 3 kids if we divorced.( He often suggested divorce to me as his guilt was so bad and he felt our 15 yr marriage was 'over in his head' as he put it to me. But I stayed in plan A instead and bought new clothes makeup etc since I had lost 15 lbs by then!!!I made some new women friends and tried to do things for myself while he was such an emotional mess. OW pressured H to file for D on me which he did then he cancelled it and went into withdrawal= still slept on couch most nights for 2 more months before the he suddenly wanted intimacy with me again- when it DID finally happen after 7 mo without ANY- it was great!!! He said he had to wait for his feelings for me to come back strongly before he could be intimate with me. It really hurt to wait so long but I would rather have done that than had him using both of us at the same time. Good luck! It is possible to restore intimacy after their emotional part of their A starts to cool off. lifeismessy

not us. H came home from being gone 2 weeks and "attempted" (he wasn't ready) a reconciliation - counseling. He slept in the guest room for 3 weeks. He wouldn't give up contact with the OW - needed time to "think" - moved out. SO we're separated now for 6 weeks. He's not interested. I would LOVE to! I miss it so much, grrrrrrr.... but I don't want to until he's STD tested anyway.

I'm a complete no on this question. I was thinking of posting it myself until I found this post, and thankful that I did. My WH began PA in June, after long term EA, and there was no physical contact with me after that. He admitted EA July 25 and PA August 6th - same day she ended A with him - he had ask for divorce the day before and went to tell her. I took this as she didn't want more than a fling, but I don't know that for sure. Her statement to him was she couldn't live with the guilt of being responsible for taking him away from our 7 year-old daughter. <BR> I too am wanting to resume our physical relationship, but don't know if I should push. I too feel such deep rejection, but I really think he and I should wait until he is ready....Heartbreak25130

I have not had any intimacy with my WS since October. DDay was November 19th. She left on Thanksgiving Day. I was in Plan A (didn't know about Plan A or MB until Late January, but was doing it instinctively). She came home in March. We narrowly escaped D in April. I am giving her a safe , comfortable place to sort through what's she has to. Last contact that I know of was in March by phone. She is getting more comfortable, she does give me hugs and small kisses, she told her best friend she is leaning to re committing to marriage, but she will not sleep in our bed when I am there ( she works graveyard, so the only time we could is weekends). As far as sex, I can't even remember what it's like. I have no idea how long this will continue ( I told her I would wait to discuss it with her when she's comfortable talking). I waver between thinking I'm doing the right thing to just wanting to give it up and move on with my life. I don't believe she will be able to reestablish intimacy, unless she talks with me, but that's not happening and I think I'll just see how it goes until September. If nothing moves by then, then it's probably time to end it. We were married in September, and it's as good a time as any to end it. I don't know about the rest of you, but I feel I have tried my best, but you can't make someone want you physically and if they don't, and don't tell you how you can help, what can you do. I have learned a lot from this situation and the one thing I have learned is that I am a good and decent man who has a great capacity to love and if she doesn't want to work on it then I'll miss her terribly, It will break my heart, but I will find love. I need it and deserve it. Sorry for the rambling, but I am getting to the point where I am losing my patience and if I wanted a roommate to "hang with", I wouldn't have gotten married. I told her when we almost filed that It would hurt too much to see her if we split, so either she decides to be in a true marriage or I will never see her again. I hate the thought of losing my best friend and I am not trying to emotionally blackmail her, but seeing her after a D would be too hard for me to handle. So if you are being intimate, you are very lucky and I think you have a chance. Take it from someone who is not so fortunate. The worst feeling in the world is knowing the person you love and desire most in this world, has no desire for you and makes no attempt to discuss it<BR>

My W (WS) and I have had no intimacy since February. She is now supposedly trying to work on marriage (although I caught her talking to OM last week). We are currently separated (at her request as of March). When I confronted her with communicating with OM last week, she said that we should try and experiment - we should move back in together, I can have her cell phone, her calling cards, and put taps on the phones and we will see if this marriage works. I told her why she would suggest that was it only to prove me wrong about the marriage and that she wouldn't try to make it work. She asked what trying meant-did it mean having sex, because that won't happen right away.<P>At this point, we have no physical contact (no hugging, no kissing, not even just holding hands). I think its because she is still in contact with OM.<P>S&C

As a WS I know I couldn't have sex with my ex once I fell in love with the OM. There were a few times before I confessed that I had to give in. But at those moments I drank a lot beforehand and spent some time hiding in the bathroom crying afterward. Upon discovery it never happened again. In regards to the OM. Intimacy stopped with his ex once we got together. After discovery the OM and I broke it off for a bit and he tried to work it out at home. He too was sleeping on the couch. I think one of the mistakes his ex made was trying to push intimacy when his heart was not in it. At first she pushed for a weekend alone and he freaked. Started crying and told her he couldn't do it. He said he'd lay on the couch outside their bedroom and listen to her breath. He'd have panic attacks at the thought of going in there again. You can't "push". My advice is to work on making other areas of your marriage strong and once that happens the intimacy will follow.

Wounded One,<BR>Sorry to hear about your pain. I'm on a business trip, and it is hard to find time to get on the computer. I have a long post a while back about this. My H and I haven't made love since Feb 2000 (18 months now). Some people here have longer - I've seen 3 years. It is the pits, and it hurts me alot. I haven't had time to think much about home right now, have e-mailed home a couple of times, and heard from him - but since I haven't been thinking about sex/love/him because I am not at home, it doesn't hurt. I can only wonder how it will be when I get home. Take care, aftershock

Thans for your replies,<P>I posted this after reading someone else's post where she talked about how happy she was that her WS had made love to her and told her he loved her. This made me feel really sad (for me) I was happy for her, but wondered whether it was only my H who could not be intimate or whether others had WS who were behaving more like mine. I am trying to work on other areas of the marriage and have not mentioned the sex thing since I started plan A. It is so hard because although he says he hasn't seen OW since March, I know he's on the phone to her every day and I have no proof that he isn't seeing her apart from his word. I know that he won't be able to be intimate with me until she has completely gone from his system (if that ever happens). That could be ages. It has helped to know that others have waited longer than I have and that some marriages have returned to "full marriages with sex etc." after a year or more. Keep up the replies to this please. It does help to know that others are going through the same thing.<BR>Wounded One

Our D day was 2 years ago July 3. My H stopped kissing me months before, hadn't met my eyes when we talked, and we hadn'thad sex for ages. His was EA with a best friend. Long story, I won't go into it here.<P>He reluctantly agreed to couples counseling for a period of 6 months. 12 months along he announced in session that nothing had changed, he still didn't love me the way he should and never would. Counseling came to an abrupt halt.<P>He said we would never again be lovers. I divined the truth in an earlier session with the counselor, when I snapped at him "You don't want to cheat on the woman you love by having sex with your wife!" The flash of anger and fear in his eyes when he involuntarily looked me in the eyes confirmed the truth.<P>I moved into the guest room to sleep alone. There is no physical contact of even the blandest kind. He still has contact with the OW. The topic of their relationship never comes up any more.<P>I miss making love. Fearful of my own needs, I am extremely careful not to allow any innocent contact or extended conversation with other men. In church when I sit with my girlfriend's family and she is serving communion, rather than sit directly beside her husband, I position our son between us. When I read at Mass and the other reader is a man, I don't hold his hand during the Lord's Prayer, though if the other reader is a woman, I will take her hand. I keep any conversation with men to a minimum, nothing personal.<P>Any time I feel a warm feeling toward my H anymore, I squash it. Otherwise it is too painful. I got tired of having my affection rejected, so I just stopped.<P>To sum it up, one more poster isn't having sex with her WS either.<BR> <P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess

Thanks for posting Bellevue,<P>The thing you said above "You don't want to cheat on the woman you love by having sex with your wife" has been said in exactly the same words by me to my H. Like I said above we did have sex a couple of days after D day, but it has never happened since. He says "I can't because of feelings...." or "I can't give you a hug because I know that I can't give you what you want...."..."I know I slept with you then ( 2 days after D day) but I can't do that anymore" etc etc........It really hurt doesn't it? We are getting on really well as "friends" but when bed time arrives and we walk to separate bedrooms it really stinks!

Just got off the phone with my H....he apologized for not being intimate & for sleeping so far away from me on the bed.<P>His reason....He feels like a dog. Doesn't want me to misinterpret his physical feelings, wants me to know he loves me for ME not for sex. He also said that like a dog he was waiting for his master to come pat him & say ok "bad Dog" come here & have a hug.<P>Yup...it's strange. This man that cheated on me for 13 years with several different women because I was not responsive to his "sexual needs" etc etc etc.<P>What a crazy mixed up world. Peace

I have asked my H several times what he would do if I just initiated sex...he said he would refuse...he says he just cannot at the moment because of his feelings for OW...it almost makes me feel as though I am the one trying to make him be unfaithful to her! Now I have just had to accept for the moment that he sleeps in the guest room and doesn't want any physical contact from me...it stinks doesn't it?

Im sorry for your pain at having WS not making love but it answers a few things for me my H has been in affair since 6/00 and has been making love to me all that time granted it has dwindled to about once a week he has moved out at my request to get space and try to sort his head out but he still made love to me yesterday although he no longer thinks he loves me and hasent told me he does since last sept so im left feeling very used and unsure part of me thinks how can he be in love with her and do that with me and then part of me thinks maybe its just getting cake and eating it <P>------------------<BR>lizzle

Wounded One.<P>My D-day was April 6th. No sex since. My W said she does not enjoy it anymore, and has not for a long time. It's funny that she said that, because four days before D-Day, we got away from the kids and stayed at a hotel and made love all night long. Believe me, there was no complaints that night. I asked her about that evening, and she has no comment. Go Figure.<P>Dino

Hi Dino, thanks for your reply,<P>Iaometimes wonder whether they try really hard to convince themselves that they don't fancy us in a sexual way any more just because it then helps them to feel less guilty or something. My H has said, however, all along since D Day, that the affair didn't happen because there was anything wrong with our sex life. I think she must have met other emotional needs which I wasn't meeting at the time. I had recently had a baby when the affair started, so maybe he felt even more so than before, that his needs were not being met. Who knows? After a long talk with my sister in law about what my H was like as a child, etc. I have realised that my H isn't the confident person which I always thought he was. I have realised that I never paid him compliments very often, our relationship was always one where we made jokes at one another and also, aparently, his family always did that as well, maybe the OW did/ said things which boosted his ego and made him feel special. Anyway. I've decided that maybe I shouldn't dwell too much on the lack of sex in our marraige because at the moment that is one of MY emotional needs which isn't being met. In order to get him to, hopefully, love me again, I realise now that I must work more on supplying HIS emotional needs, which probably include paying him some compliments and really listening to what he's saying and picking up on what he really seems to want. If I can find some way to show him that I can meet more of his EN then, hopefully the sex will follow later.