My WS, since D-day, has maintained that her and OM are just "friends" now because he ended everything physical with her because she betrayed him as well. She had told him she was divorced. He had called our house twice and I answered the phone. Afterward, he told her not to call him anymore because he did not trust her and wanted nothing to do with her. Both times she told him that I was just there to visit the kids. So he took her back. All this time I still did not know about the affair.<BR>One week after the second time he broke up with her a mutual friend of ours told me that indeed their was an affair going on. After I confronted her with what I was told, she absolutely denied it and told me that she wanted me to think there was an affair going on because she wanted to get my attention. The day after I confronted her, she called me at work, crying and telling me that she called her mother about the situation. She told me that her mother said that because I did not trust her and was trying to discover something that "wasn't there", she should leave me. Of course, I bit and ended up apologizing with her for thinking such a thing.<BR>One week later, D-day.<BR>After discovering her car at his house and knocking on his door in the early morning, he looked really shocked to see me and promptly kicked her out. He told her to never call him again. She called me at work about 5 times that day to make sure that I did nothing to hurt him. I basically told her that I would make sure that his career was over. She cried and pleaded and I relented.<BR>The next day, I went to his office just to see him and let him know that although he was lied to, he had to know it was completely over. He didn't even have the guts to come out of his office and see me. He immediately called my wife to tell her "I thought I told you this over! Your husband just came here looking for me." As soon as I got home she had already called and left a message for me. She got beligerent when I told her "I just wanted him to know it was over." She said "I already told you it was over. You know what, you are never going to see me again. I want you to know it is your fault that I'm going to kill myself today." Now, my wife has always had a flair for drama, she is really a hot-headed and impulsive person. But I took her incredibly seriously and promised not to say anything else to him. Later that day, she came home and said "that is it. Our marriage is over. She went to lawyers the next day, and, when she found out how much it would cost for a divorce, she decided that she just "needed her space for a little while."<BR>Fast forward two weeks later: She finally got the OM to talk to her again, but, according to her, nothing physical will ever happen again between them because he does not trust her. Supposedly, he even told her that I seem like a really good guy and she might be making a mistake in leaving me. According to her, she really values just having him to talk to. But this REALLY irks me!<BR>She started telling me every time that they would meet, she even has slept over at his house a couple of times. She swears that he would have nothing to do with her, she just slept on the couch. Now, I'm reaching the boiling point, but I am still trying to Plan A and it is kicking my a**.<BR>The other night was the final straw. I got home from work and she was talking to him on the phone. She didn't hang up or anything; she says she is being totally "honest" with me now, and besides, now she is doing nothing wrong. She told me that the next night they are going to dinner and a movie. I said "ok, that's fine" in my best fake Plan A mode. But inside, I was burning up. It took me about five hours to get to sleep that night and I decided I was gonna fry his a** the next day. He works for the State Department, I am in the Army, I was going to get him by sending an e-mail to my congressman, Sec. of State Colin Powell, and I was going to notify my commander of this situation.<BR>I told her about my plan and she started the suicide talk again. She even went so far as to say "you know what, I'm gonna do it right now." She went to the kitchen and grabbed a knife and put it to her throat. I had to fight her to get the knife out of her hand. She told me that she could not live with me anymore because I would get pleasure out of hurting an innocent man (OM). She says that he is so mature (in more ways than one, he is 20 years her elder) and she really needs him to talk to because he understands her more than I ever did. And she appreciates the fact that he wants nothing in return; just being her friend is good enough.<BR>The point is, I want this relationship to end. I want to call this guy or send him an e-mail to let him know we are not divorcing yet (which she has told him we are, because I told her I was going to a lawyer), and that I want to fix my marriage. But I am afraid he is going to just tell her about it or forward the e-mail to her e-mail address and she is going to do something crazy. HELP!

Can someone explain something to me? I thought that Plan A was conditional upon the WS ceasing all contact with the OP. Is this not correct?<p>[This message has been edited by Dana114 (edited August 17, 2001).]

Personally, I think all her so-called "suicide attempts" are nothing more than an attempt to control and manipulate you. [and it's working great!] If I were you I wouldn't use this as a threat, I would just DO IT - send out that email to him, Colin Powell, his boss, etc and let the chips fall where they may.<p>[This message has been edited by Dana114 (edited August 17, 2001).]

A Good Man, (and Dana),<BR>No. Plan A is not conditional on anything. Here's a link to plan A basics. YOu both should read all the basic concepts on the MB web-site, as well as the General Topics under the Just FOund Out Forum. But check out this link to begin with. <BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html</A> <P>Good Man, You need to take a deep breath. Anger, violence and threats will get you no where. We don't mind you venting here, but don't carry out anything you are talking about. Read about Plan A and begin it immediately, if you want any hopes of saving your marriage. You can not control your W, and she is going to have to make some choices on her own - good or bad. YOur subject was "WS has the advantage". Yes - she does right now. But you have to decide if you're willing to make some sacrifices to save your marriage. You're here - so I'm assuming you want to do that. She has told you a BIG NEED of hers - just a friend. YOu can BE that to her.<P>How long have you been in Plan A - a good one? COnstantly checking up on her, asking her about the OM, etc, are big LB's, and as much as we all want to do those things, they ruin your Plan A. Don't contact the OM, ok? You can read through some other posts to see how that works - or doesn't work .<P>I am concerned about her suicide threats. It's bad news to assume it is simply manipulation. Has she seen a counselor/therapist about this?

Hi A Good Man:<P>I believe you really are a good man...but right now you're letting your emotions run away with your good sense. Your wife is an individual...with rights and ideas of her own...and one of those rights is the right to choose whom she wants as a friend...as bad as it may appear to be to you. And you can threaten or try to force her, but you may not like the outcome.<P>There is nothing to gain from ruining OP...he is not your problem...your wife is your problem...if not him it could be someone else just as easily.<P>Force yourself to be a man now...a good man handles things in the most admirable way possible. And the most admirable way to handle this is to take hold of your emotions and try to deal with what is going on with your wife and why....how much is your fault...how much is hers...you have a lot of questions to ask on both sides...and a lot of answers to uncover. This kind of effort might bear far better results then threats, reprecussions, or revenge ever will.<P>Moving pass angry is truly the first step to moving forward.<BR>It has been for me...but it is the hardest step to make...and the most necessary.<P>Faye<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by buffy:<BR><B>There is nothing to gain from ruining OP...he is not your problem...your wife is your problem...if not him it could be someone else just as easily.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I agree and disagree. He needs to realize that his wife's problems are her problems, although they pain him greatly (boy, do I know this). He cannot fix her; he can only fix himself. He has to get himself to a point where he's a better option than the OM.<P>After that, it's her call. If he can't get there, divorce. If she can't believe it to be true, divorce. <P>His tools are:<P>- compassion<BR>- forgiveness<BR>- understanding<P>Sound like anyone you know?<P>Bob<p>[This message has been edited by BamaAngst (edited August 17, 2001).]

Dear GoodMan,<BR>This is the closest thing I could (quickly) find on how to handle someone who might be suicidal. After all, depression leads to suicide. Check it out...<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5014_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>What to do with a Depressed Spouse</A>