Long time no post, but I have a question for those of you that have made a significant emotional and attitude change in your life.<P>How did you do it?<P>It is time for me to make a drastic change or my marriage is out the window along with the prospects for any other significant relationships in my life.<P>Thanks in advance for the help.

By 'guys' do you mean <B>men only</B>?<P>Because I think I have had to make a significant change in my attitudes and emotions or my H would not still be around...that would have pushed him out the door...<P>How did I do it? My question for you is <I>What is the alternative if you don't?</I><P>That's what I can't face...and my changes were necessary for me...with or without him...I will be a stronger, better person...<P>My method...church, God, and lots of reading on a variety of subjects...books especially helpful...<I>Secrets of the Vine, The Four Agreements</I> and <I>The Mastery of Love</I>. <P>I think the last book was, for me, the most powerful...but you should read <I> The Four Agreements </I> first...<P>Anyway, if this is a 'men's' question, I apologize in advance, but I don't think this thing is really gender specific...<P>Cali<P>------------------<BR><I>Live Impeccably In Your Word.<BR>Don't Take Anything Personally.<BR>Make No Assumptions.<BR>Do Your Best Always. </I>

Cali;<P>I use 'guys' as a generic term....<P>I apprecieate your input and since I have to be in a city where I can find those books, I will definitely look for them this weekend.<P>Thank you very much for your words.<BR>Freddyb

I think my change was subconsciously. Just continual plan A of being nice to my H. It has become a habit for me. Now it is unintentional. <P>Practice makes perfect...

ditto Cali.<P>I don't think there's a technical answer to your question.<P>When friends and family asked me how I managed to cope with my son's illness - months and months of torture - my answer was simple and honest.<P>I had to. I had no choice.<P>WAT

I'll tell you one way to pretty much gaurantee you won't change, or get even worse - is to mope around and feel sorry for yourself because of what happened to you. The sooner you accept what has happened and try to make the best of it, the sooner you can start becoming a better man.

I worked my 12 Step program in Al-Anon. I put myself under a microscope and worked at rooting out everything I didn't like. It made no difference if my marriage was going to work or not ~ I wanted to be a better person regardless.<P>I discovered that divorce would not have meant the end of my happiness.<P>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>

freddyb,<P>I think the first thing you need to do is identify exactly what changes you're talking about, then determine if these changes will make you a better person or are you making them to please someone else. If your reason is the former, great. If it's the latter, forget it. You've got to be happy with the person you become.<P>I think when people talk about making changes, they're often refering to changes in behavior. Behavior is a habit, not a predetermined character trait. Break the habit and you can change the behavior until the new, desired behavior becomes the habit. <P>In my case, my temper & criticism were big problems in my marriage, as well as in other relationships in my life. My W helped me see this when she dropped the bomb on me. I made a determined effort to understand why I behaved this way, and once I understood why, it was easier to change the old habits and my behavior. I've used this phrase before on this site, but here it goes again:<P>"I won't let my emotions dictate my behavior, and I won't let someone else's behavior dictate my emotions." <P>Easier said than done!<P>sad dad<BR>

Im having the same problem. I know I need to start acting different or my marriage is going to continue downhill too. <P>I just have trouble thinking about it all the time. It's not like I don't want to do it but I get so frustrated It just gets pushed back in my mind and the anger and frustration cause me to act the total opposite.<P>My challenge is to just keep thinking to myself when I start to revert back that either I change or I'll have to get used to being alone.<P>Good Luck!<P>tlamallory

Mallory, you do indeed want to change. We should all want to change, no matter what. Never be satisfied with what you are. Bettering yourself isn't something you can ever "finish". I know that sounds like a cheesy "inspirational poster" with a kitten doing chin-ups on it or something, haha, but it's true. <P>And if your changes turn out to be inadequate to draw your WS out of the fog, then you don't have to "get used to being alone" you need to accept God's will (or your fate, as it were) and trust that you'll find someone better, who will not forsake you or betray you. But the changes are important, no matter who you are with. <P>Show trust, she might show love in return.

For me the actual changes I made were easy to undertake. The hardest part was deciding if I wanted to at all. (AKA did I really love my wife enough after what she did to make the effort to change save our marriage?) After looking at what we had before and what I saw in our future I made my decision to change and try to save things.<P>The next step was to find out what changes we BOTH needed to make. After reading the HNsHNs book and a book called the "Five Love Languages" among other readings we quickly found we out what the basic problems were in our relationship. <P>Obiviously the next step was to apply the concepts we had been learing to the problem areas. We did and we actually made our 25+ year relationship better than it ever had been. Honestly!<P>What I found out was my wife's top three emotional need were affection, affection,and affection. She had literally begged me for affection for years. I WAS rather stingy with the "I love you's, the hand holding, the hugs (At least the ones while we were fully clothed...LOL), and most signs of affection in public. [I came from a family that showed very little affection] Soooooooooo I changed all of that and the difference I saw in my wife immediately was worth whatever initial uncomfortable feelings I had doing that 'silly'<BR> stuff (LOL) . And it only got better when she really realized that the changes were permanent. <P>Now it is second nature for me to meet her need for affection constantly in the 'language' she needs to hear it. But I do not take it for granted that I am doing the 'right stuff, the right way'. Now and then I stop and take a 'reading' with and without her input to gauge how well I am meeting her needs. I do not want to backslide<P>Anyway that's 'how we did it'. And it was so worth it.<P>Good luck

I read something on this site once and I run it through my head often.....Instead of asking "Why doesn't she love me?" I ask "Why should she love me?". That, with a productive Plan A and no LB's...these things have brought our love back 10 fold. It does help that she also had re-dedicated herself to the marriage as have I.<P>It does work, it does come back <P>------------------<BR>...Keeping a stiff upper lip. Life begins on the other side of despair.<BR>-Scarlet Pumpernickle<BR>s_pumpernickle@yahoo.com

I, too stayed away because I didn't want to crash a "men only" post. <P>I can pretty much ditto what Cali said. Read the H2y "Worth the Read" thread for more ideas. <P>I read lots of relationship, confidence, and success books. I pray, and have moved closer to God. I am determined to learn to love, accept, and support others, instead of criticize, condemn, and judge. I now exercise and diet to take care of my health, and so I will be less focused on myself and more on others. I smile, and listen to people.<P>I decided all this, because of what everyone has said already. And you have already decided as well, as you mentioned. You want every chance you can to save your marriage. And these changes will improve every relationship in your life. <P> <P>------------------<BR>Faith1<P>"Then Jesus answered, 'Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.'"<BR>Matt 15:28

To all;<P>Thanks for all the disscussion. I do slip in to the depressed 'pity me' moods alot and I must stop that.<P>As was said, the real reason we mudt change at times is because there is no other real choice. In my case, I have married a wife with a real forceful, positive personality. I on the other hand have a wishy/washy, easygoing personality.<P>As usual, most of our problems center around sex or the lack thereof. I have to decide if very little to no intimacy is worth the friendship and companionship.<P>Again Thank you all and God Bless You.