I am worried. My husband is travelling to Malaysia on a business trip next week. During this trip he will be attending casino nights, beach parties, James Bond theme nights, etc. I am scared he is going to be unfaithful to me. I am afraid that he will meet a woman more beautiful than me and won't be able to resist her. I have a problem accepting that he will be faithful - I don't know why as I have no reason to believe that he has been unfaithful before, it's just a feeling I have. I'm not sure if I don't trust men or I don't trust myself and therefore cannot trust him. Although, I have not been unfaithful to him either. My fears may also stem from the fact that many of the men I work with were unfaithful to their wives (both at my present workplace and the last place).<P>I don't know what kind of answers I am looking for - I just need to get it off my chest as it is starting to overcome me. My husband does not know of my fears - I'm afraid he will see me as a jealous, clingy wife, I suppose. I don't know what to do as I know that I will obsess about this when he is away, especially because of the time difference as when I am only arriving at work, he will be already socializing at his parties.<P>Thanks for listening.

You know, I think that sometimes instincts or "feelings" can be valid if they can be backed up with EVIDENCE. And in your case, you simply have no evidence. Nor has anything happened because he has not been there yet and you say that he has never been unfaithful in the past. The only evidence you offer is that some of your male co-workers have been unfaithful! That has nothing to do with your husband. I'm sorry, but that makes no sense at all. That is simply not realistic.<P>It sounds to me like you are scaring yourself unneccesarily because there is no rational reason to be scared. Why are you doing this to yourself? Not to be overly crude, but when I torture myself in this way, I call it mental masturbation.

Hi Elberry! I was just wondering if your H has ever given you any reason to believe that he may have an affair, or is it possible that something has happened in your past that makes you fear your H may do this to you?<P>For me, it was my biggest fear in life that my H would have an affair and once he started having issues I quickly became consumed by it. I worried frequently and wanted to control my husband to try and MAKE HIM not have an affair. All I succeeded in doing was to push him farther away from me. <P>At the time it all started, my husband probably would not have had any type of affair had we handled the situation differently, I know this now, but at the time I was just consumed with fear and just kept trying my hardest to make it not happen...<P>There's some reason you feel this way, you need to find out what it is so that if your husband is NOT having an affair, you can prevent it FROM happening. If he is having an affair and your fears are warranted, then you also need to deal with that.<P>Come here, vent, let us know how you are doing, k?<BR>HbH

Hi Elberry,<P>I understand your worry. Let's try putting this in a more palatable form. Sounds like what you need is reassurance. So instead of asking him if he is having an A, ask him for reassurance. Watch his eyes. Note the tone in his voice. Then when he is away, pay special attention to what he says to you. <P>Don't be paranoid. That could trigger him to not trust you either. Show love and concern for him and let him know you have a need for reassurance. <P>Unless he is a real good liar, most can not provide good reassurance and have an A. Why? Because the A drains a person of their resources (financially and emotionally). Signs of that drainage are evident by checking out the bank account (unless they are wealthy enough to do both) but also emotionally (your love bank and his). Now this is not a fool proof method of checking but worth a shot. Maybe others can offer you more suggestions. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.<BR>

Elberry, it may help you too to tuck love notes in his suitcase. Sometimes when H goes away, I do up a little card labelled for each day just mentioning a happy/funny memory or why I love him. Give him some reasons to think about you back at home. <P>If he has not been unfaithful before and is not showing signs of it, try to relax. He married you and therefore you are his first choice. May you always be his only choice <P>------------------<BR>Fresh Start

Please don't be afraid. Fear draws the negative thing to you just like the force of faith draws positive things.<P>Remember when Job (in the bible) had all his troubles? I mean he lost everything. What did JOB say? HE said that the thing HE FEARED THE MOST has come upon him. God didn't do that to him.<P>The devil had to get permission from God to steal everything from Job and God said okay as long as you spare his life. God protected Job's life and He will protect yours. Don't hand over your "stuff" to the enemy without a "GOOD FIGHT OF FAITH!"<P>This is what you can pray, "Dear God, please help me! Because if you don't help my faith, I'm going to be afraid and I don't want my husband to see me in this light. Help me to be strong and joyful knowing that YOU are my comfort and my protector. Amen."<P>I'm in agreement with you for God's peace to cover you like a blanket. Be strong in the Lord and in the power of HIS might. He is with you and you are never alone!

That was beautiful, BTDT.<P>I'm joining you in your prayers, Elberry. God will watch over you and your H.<P>Jo<P>

I know that most of the time when my H traveled, I didn't worry about an affair, at least until I found out about his first one---and then I worried a lot. And he would do things to let me worry(Like not calling all night after saying he would, calling from the lobby of his hotel--before he even checked into a hotel, staying out late when an old mistress wrote to him that she would be in town and would love to see him. Pretty bad, Huh?!!!! <P>There are signs tho that something in the relationship may not be quite right. Some things to think about:<P>1. Does your h make you feel special? Does he make you feel like you are beautiful to him?<P>2. Does your h compare you to other women. Make comments about their body parts, stare at their boobs, etc?<P>3. Does your h read pornography or Muscle Magazine and constantly make comments about the beautiful women in them?<P>4. Does he walk down the street and visiblY stare at other women and then joke about it. Or does he do that and then notice that you saw, and comment on how beautiful you are to him?<P>5. Does your h really make love to you..or go through the motions without looking at you, telling you he loves you, and saying thank you when the "act" is over?<P>6. Does your h make it a point to let you know that other women approach him? How does he respond to that. Does he let you know he is flattered. Does he make you feel insignificant to him. Does he care about what you are feeling?<P>I wish I had asked myself these questions over 10 years ago. I have lived with that type of attitude our whole marriage--25 years of being together--married for 21 years. You know even with all that--I still stood by him and loved him. I feel pretty foolish now. Guess I should get off, I am feeling pretty down tonight. Tomorrow will be a better day.<P>Just think about how your H treats you. Is it with love and respect. If not, either get help or get out before 25 years has passed. <P>

Thank you all so much for your replies.<P>I am almost 100% sure that H is not having an affair - I fear one night stands more. I think I fear that lust & temptation will overcome him when he is away - I don't know why I fear this, my parents are devoted to each other after 29 years of marriage. My H's parents are devoted to each other after 38 years. My only guess is a boyfriend I had when I was aged 16 - 22, he was very attentive and made me feel special, etc. but there was something extremely secretive about him that I couldn't put my finger on and in the end it put such a wedge between us that I fell in love with a friend I had since I was 8, who now happens to be H. I suppose that it was my ability to fall in love with a friend while still more or less dating my old boyfriend that causes my insecurities. I was not dishonest to either of them though - as soon as I realised I had feelings for H I immediately ended the relationship with my ex before embarking on courtship with H. Surprisingly, it's not the thoughts of an affair that scare me, but a drunken, spur of the moment decision to spend one night with someone because they are good-looking - I suppose that is a jealousy thing on my part. <P>Also, I love my husband and I know he loves me, yet when I went to answer the questions that miserynmissouri put to me this is what I discovered..<P>>>>1. Does your h make you feel special? Does he make you feel like you are beautiful to him?>>>> No, he doesn't, he appears to have a inability to compliment me or tell me I am beautiful.<P>2. Does your h compare you to other women. Make comments about their body parts, stare at their boobs, etc? Not that I know of. (I don't know what he is like with male friends)<P>3. Does your h read pornography or Muscle Magazine and constantly make comments about the beautiful women in them? (Again, not that I am aware - he knows how I feel about pornography)<P>4. Does he walk down the street and visiblY stare at other women and then joke about it. Or does he do that and then notice that you saw, and comment on how beautiful you are to him? (I have noticed him looking at women but he doesn't know that I have noticed nor does he comment on them)<P>5. Does your h really make love to you..or go through the motions without looking at you, telling you he loves you, and saying thank you when the "act" is over? (A little bit of both here - sometimes he is loving and sometimes he can be quite a selfish lover)<P>6. Does your h make it a point to let you know that other women approach him? How does he respond to that. Does he let you know he is flattered. Does he make you feel insignificant to him. Does he care about what you are feeling? (No, he doesn't make a point of it - he is flirtatious, but in a harmless way - more friendly than sexual - he also sings in a band and quite often I have become upset by his "friendly" approach to women.<P>Another thing which posting here has help me discover is that I can ask God to help me. I have very good, strong faith in the Lord and I suppose I can ask him to protect my relationship. I always pray for God's love and protection for my family and for his help for the sick and poor yet I have not thought of asking him to protect my marriage - I must start right away!<P>Thank you all once again.<P>Elberry,<P>xxx<P><BR>

I would discuss your concerns with your H. Not in an accusing way, or course, because you don't think anything has happened yet, but just let him know how devastated you would be if he were to succumb to temptation.<P>My H travelled for several years. He called me every single night. He also had sex many many times while he was there. Isn't that lovely, he called me either before or right after he'd slept with another woman! He had 5 different women that I know of, 2 were just one trip and he never went back there, but the other 3 were places he continued to return to, seeing the same woman, for months or a year! Calling you every night doesn't guarantee he is being faithful, unless he has a sense of guilt that will stop him from doing it after he hears your voice (which mine didn't).<P>I don't want to worry you, because looking back I know if my H and I had communicated better, had had a stronger marriage, it wouldn't have happened. He feels terrible now, knowing how much I've been hurt by founding out about all of these trips, all these women. <P>I think you should just bring it up...fine if he thinks you're insecure, just a little. Don't go way overboard and accuse him of anything, don't even imply that you think he would be looking for something. Just say that you understand sometimes things happen if you're not careful, not guarding yourself, and you want him to guard himself from it!<P>Good luck!