Our anniversary has come and gone...there was no romance, nor was there 'real' acknowledgement...BUT<P>We did go out to dinner and a movie...I totally let him pick the movie (Rush Hour 2)...<P>The place he suggested for dinner was a place that we have 'celebrated' our anniversary a couple of times before...it is one of our favorite spots...<P>I gave him a card (nope, not the homemade one...I'll save it)...which said something about memories and dreams telling our story...Happy Anniversary....<P>I wrote<I> Thank you for the new memories we have made this summer. Thank you for being here for me and the boys. I thank God for every day you share with me...for every thought you tell me...for you.</I><P>He read it, said "Thank you, but I didn't get you a card, it's not fair."<P>I replied, lightly, "That's okay, I accept belated cards." and smiled sweetly...I really meant it...besides HE NEVER gets me a card...<P>We had a nice dinner, but he started to get thoughtful and quiet and kept looking at his ring...a couple of times I asked what he was thinking...and he said something about the boys or something else...<P>He continued to be 'thoughtful' when we got home...I was sitting next to him on couch and fell asleep on him...He started jiggling and it woke me up...I asked what was wrong and he said that he didn't want me laying on him....I said okay...and moved...I went upstairs to bed and asked if he was going to follow...he said in a few minutes....a few minutes never happened...<P>This a.m., when the alarm woke me up, I just went down to make sure he was up and said..."The alarm I set for you just went off..."<P>In the past, I would have been very cranky...very unhappy and yelled and screamed...about everything...no card...not talking during dinner...brushing me off on the couch...not coming up to bed...we'd have had quite a row...<P>Funny...it's not like I don't care...but I seem to understand that I can enjoy what I have...that I can control me and my reactions...I can have peace and joy...I AM IN CHARGE OF THAT...I AM IN CHARGE OF ME...<P>Now the trick is doing this everyday... ....patience and consistency...<P>Cali<P>------------------<BR><I>Live Impeccably In Your Word.<BR>Don't Take Anything Personally.<BR>Make No Assumptions.<BR>Do Your Best Always. </I>

Good work Cali! Hey dinner and Rush Hour 2 - that exactly what my H and I did on our anniversary!

I don't think you LBed, but I do believe that your H is feeling like $h!t now. <P>Funny, I just went though this with my WH. It was my birthday, I got two gifts(he went out and bought on my birhtday) but no card. He felt like $h!t. My response was but we went out to dinner and a movie...<P>I think my comments didn't hinder or help...It was something that he needed to overcome on his own.

Doing good cali, passed the snl feels ok test <P>I wouldn't have asked if you are gonna follow though, puts him on the spot...ya know?<P>cali...Funny...it's not like I don't care...but I seem to understand that I can enjoy what I have...that I can control me and my reactions...I can have peace and joy...I AM IN CHARGE OF THAT...I AM IN CHARGE OF ME...<P>snl...You are starting to "get" it. You only have contol over you. I was where you are years ago, I fought with T all the time, as I tried to "make" her love me right. I finally realized I never could, and I gave up (or more accurately gave it up to God), she was the better controller, I threw in the towel. From then on I tried to treat her right, so "I" could look in the mirror. Was not perfect of course, but I did have a certain peace of mind, is only way I would have survived last 10 years. Of course I finally really gave up, and fell in love with another. That is the risk your H takes, this is his time now, to heal with you and find out where you are, and who he is. But the clock is ticking, if your changes are permanent, in time he will become the controller, and you may very well leave. This is the part my wife never understood, yes at one time I was a wannabe controller (as she complains about now), but I reached the fork in the road which says do you want to live like this.....and I said no, I don't, and gave up being a controller....I think you are just about at that fork too cali, when you choose, and it is permanent, you will be ok, no matter what happens. That in part (IMO) is the most important part of plan a and b, finding out who you are, and setting your spouse free to find out who they are....is such powerful stuff when done right. And doesn't it feel soooooooo good cali, like a boulder lifting off your shoulder, I still remember the moment I let it all go, was such a tremendous relief. Controlling, even a little bit, another human being consumes enormous resources, and pays back soooooo little. I kinda laugh now when folks sometimes still accuse me of this (because I am aggressive and self-assured, as well as pretty competent in my own way), little do they know I would rather jump off a cliff than try to control anyone again. Do I regress some, yeah a little when life gets intense, so will you (the are you going to follow comment), but then my recognition kicks in, and no way do I wanna go there, so I "feel" myself just let go (of whatever is going on), the feeling is better than drugs.....not that I would know, never did drugs <P>

Excellent work Cali!! I am so happy you were able to reach inside yourself and do this. That is a very difficult situation not to LB in, way to go!! I am proud of you.<P>HbH

Cali,<P>Great!!! Your progress is good. I am happy for you. Well we can't expect an overnight success with our H's but if they do, we'll accept it right? <P>No LB!!! You should be proud. My brunch didn't have much conversation and H said it was OK. Oh, I went through a lot to make those reservations so I will have to settle for OK. A major bit disappointed but we were together and he was not with OW (although she tried to call 4 times this weekend - YUCK). <P>I am happy for you. Keep it up. I appreciate your progress. <P>L. <BR>

Way to go Cali, I couldn't have done it that way, I would have LB'd for sure. Keep up the good work, he has to be feeling something.<P>GC

I'm glad it went well (at least that's how I interpret it). The potential for disaster was huge, but it truly was in his hands (mostly). It sounds like you gave him several opportunities to blow up, but he chose not to. <P>SnL picked up on the going to bed comment. I picked up on the "what are you thinking" comments. You don't believe that he told you what he was really thinking, do you? He clearly was feeling something deep.<P>When he gives you a "real" answer are the ensuing discussions good or bad?<P>I ask this because W asked me a lot of those type of questions this weekend: "What's wrong?" "Are you o.k.?"<P>It was obvious I was lost in thought when she asked the questions and she certainly didn't believe that I was just noticing the squirrel in the tree (yeah, that was one of my answers). <P>I was thinking about very painful things at the time and was afraid where an honest answer might lead. <P>Soooo, you might want to think about what you really want to accomplish with such questions. I'll bet they seem like innocent questions and just "pop out" on their own.<P>I'm sorry, several posts "triggered" me this morning. I'm pacing my office and I need to get to work somehow.<P>Take care,<P>--Jeffers

It's quite the process, isn't it Cali? Learning to unlearn all the behavior we became accustomed to when married to the same person for so many years. <P>You're making such good strides to becoming happy on your own. Being responsible for your own emotional strength and happiness. <P>Yep, consistency is key. Believing and behaving (actions) the same each day regardless what the FOG may bring. I admire your growth, and hope I can follow in your foot steps even as a Divorced person.<P>Lv,<BR>Jo